We finally did it, folks. After weeks of anticipation, we finally got the moment in which Larissa screams, “All those against the queen will die!” It was everything I had hoped and dreamed for — sharp, loud, and terrifying.
But the journey is more important than the destination, as the road to this moment was one xenophobic escalation after another. Larissa starts this week looking for a wedding dress with two women who absolutely hate her, Debbie and John’s wife, who from my light research does not have a name. (Perhaps she does, but she doesn’t have a a chyron and no one ever refers to her. In fact, now that I think about it … maybe she’s a ghost. Can y’all see her, too?) Larissa does not want to look like a “slut” on her wedding day, much to the dismay of her fiancé, who would prefer her to wear a life-sized condom.
Once again, the Coltee Clan find themselves shopping in a place they can’t afford to shop, wasting another underpaid sales associate’s afternoon. When Larissa finally finds a dress that fits Coltee’s cleavage standards, Deb is shocked to learn that it costs $2,400. As someone who’s watched more than 10,000 hours of Say Yes to the Dress, I can confirm that this is as cheap a wedding gown as you could buy short of going to Gap and belting a white shirt. Still, Deb insists that if Larissa is to get such an expensive dress, she’ll have to sacrifice and postpone her green card for another six months. While Larissa definitely has some flaws, the way that Coltee’s family taunts her about her citizenship (or lack thereof) is xenophobic.
Things go from bad to worse for Larissa when Coltee invites his cousin John and his nameless wife over for a barbecue. Larissa can barely eat her recalled beef before John starts going in on where Deb will live when Coltee and Larissa get married. Again, Larissa’s delivery is … imperfect, but I wouldn’t want to share a two-bedroom apartment with my mother-in-law as a newlywed, either.
The conversation gets derailed when John says that Larissa is using Coltee for his money, which would be like using Guy Fieri for his sophisticated techniques in French cuisine. This is a point Larissa herself makes, reminding us that if Coltee drives a car with no air-conditioning, he has no money. The fact that Coltee just sits there silently and watches his cousin berate his fiancée is disgusting. Backed into a corner, Larissa lashes out, disinviting everyone from her wedding so that her special day will be so intimate it’ll only be between her, Coltee, and her closest TLC producer. As we know, this is when Larissa screams, “Who is against the queen will die!” While this seemed unprompted in the teaser, I think this is an adequate response to xenophobic and misogynist attacks from a dude wearing a shirt that says “friendly.”
Ultimately, Deb has had enough of all the yelling and screaming and Larissa has had enough of yelling and screaming. This prompts the two women to hide in their respective rooms, with Larissa throwing her wedding ring to her doughboy fiancé. For some reason, Coltee puts the ring on his finger, probably reminiscing about better days, during his last spree.
Back in Baraboo, Wisconsin, Leida and Eric continue their explosive confrontation in the car. The crux of their problem is that Leida doesn’t think she can get married to Eric knowing that he’ll always have to pay child support. She’s unsure whether she is making all these sacrifices for him or just to stay in America. In case it’s unclear, she is definitely making all these sacrifices in order to get American citizenship. This argument is so stupid to me. Eric will not waive his parental right and thus he will continue to pay child support. That’s that on that! Either Leida can accept this or she can break up with her extremely sweaty fiancé, but there isn’t much more to talk about.
Yet somehow we find ourselves rehashing this conversation in an abandoned park. My only complaint about 90 Day Fiancé is that it has a way of beating a storyline like a dead horse, or if we’re using PETA language, feeding a fed horse. In Eric and Leida’s conversation I’ve heard 100 times before, Leida expresses that she isn’t happy that Eric has the baggage of a child, completely unaware of the Alessandro-sized irony sleeping on the box spring next to hers.
Eventually, Eric and Leida agree to disagree, but not before Leida assumes the role of evil stepmother and pushes Tasha to tears. I have so many mixed feelings about Tasha and her rattail. I hate that she says, “get the f*ck out of my country” because this language reminds me of what put Baraboo on the map in the first place. However, I feel guilty when her father demands over speakerphone that she get her stuff out. That is a horrible way to treat your daughter, even if she is an adult cosplaying as Skrillex.
Somewhere in Russia, Steven is plotting to kidnap a newborn baby. While applying for American citizenship for his son Ritchie is easy, there seems to be no progress on Olga’s K-1 visa. Honestly, I see this as god’s plan because Olga deserves better than a verbally abusive man-child with a criminal record. The problem is that Steven wants to take the child to America, and he’s not going to tell Olga about this until the very last minute. This is a red flag. When Steven meets with Olga’s best friend, Anna, he tells her he doesn’t know if he’d be with Olga if there wasn’t a baby. This is another red flag. Also, when Anna asks about the tension with Olga, Steven again reiterates that she is too focused on the baby. This is a third red flag in a red sea of red flags. If I was Olga I would never take my eyes off of Steven and the baby because one minute he’s there, the next minute he’s reenacting the plot of Raising Arizona.
Otherwise, not much else happened during another 14-hour episode of 90 Day Fiancé. Fernanda and Jonathan were somewhere being attractive together and crying about some deep-seated mommy issues. These two have the strongest relationship, which is good for them and boring for us. Jay and Ashley are canceling their wedding to go elope to Las Vegas because they are afraid to get hate-crimed. This seems like a good decision for the couple, although this saddens Ashley’s friends, who have now prepared for three (3) weddings without ever seeing one come to fruition. And Asuelu and Kalani need to work on communication in their relationship. Asuelu finally expresses that he spent a long time cuddling with his pillow in preparation for cuddling with his wife, thus it makes him cry when she doesn’t want snuggle him. I am not surprised that Asuelu’s love language is touch, as tactile learning is a huge part of early development. All in all, it was a wild episode of our favorite show about sad people looking for love in all the wrong places.