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90 Day Fiancé Recap: High Stakes, Low IQ

90 Day Fiancé

Backed Into a Corner
Season 6 Episode 9
Editor’s Rating *****

90 Day Fiancé

Backed Into a Corner
Season 6 Episode 9
Editor’s Rating *****
Photo: TLC

Wow, we are at the penultimate episode of this season of 90 Day Fiancé and I feel like so much and so little has happened. I mean … several families were destroyed, but were they ever whole to begin with?

We start this week with Ashley and Jay packing for their romantic Vegas wedding. Their conversation is interrupted by Ashley’s friend, whose name I forget but whom I’ll refer to as Tiffani because, well, she looks like a Tiffani with an “i” at the end of her name. Tiffani bangs on their door, which is justifiably frightening to the couple, considering they’ve received multiple death threats. She then proceeds to warn Ashley about the dangers of marrying Jay. I don’t know why she is speaking so loudly and in such a truncated way, like a teenager on Maury bragging about hitting her mom. Apparently, Tiffani believes that Ashley is making a huge mistake because “these people” are probably using her to get a green card. The fact that she refers to Jay as the menacing “they” lets me know she’s definitely called the cops on a black person minding their own business before. I wouldn’t trust Tiffani’s judgement because she drives a scooter and has Ashley in her phone as “My best friends emoji emoji emoji.” Clearly, she is not in a position to be doling out advice.

I will say that Ashley and Jay are making a terrible mistake by getting married because they don’t respect each other. In Las Vegas, Jay keeps screaming about how he’s going to lose his freedom, which … is the worst approach to a lifetime partnership with your supposed best friend. Alternatively, Ashley insists that she would prefer to marry a man, not a child, as if she’s not about to immerse herself in holy matrimony with someone who is not legally allowed to drink in all 50 states. This couple is doomed, if only because Jay wants to have sex three times a day, and his fiancé refuses because she is not a horny teen.

In the less glamorous part of Nevada where there are no poolside lounge chairs or manmade waterfalls, Coltee dangles Larissa’s prospective citizenship over her once again. Upset that Larissa threw her engagement ring at him, Coltee prepares to book her flight back to Brazil. The way that this family throws Larissa’s visa in her face whenever they don’t like what she’s doing says everything you need to know about their character. It’s abusive. Either break up with Larissa or get married to her — this back and forth in which Coltee and Deb and that rude cousin with the mute wife negotiate whether or not Larissa will get to be an American is inappropriate. And I say that as someone who is viscerally uncomfortable with everything Larissa has ever done. Especially when Larissa and Coltee go on a double date with his friends, Angela and Andrew. These unsuspecting suburbanites do not deserve to be caught in the middle of this domestic dispute, yet they are trapped in a car and forced to listen to two people who claim to be in love throwing insults at each other. Coltee calls Larissa batshit crazy after she insists that he is a horrible person for not complimenting her. He goes on to say, “I can feel the death in the air, the darkness.” This is not something I would say to my worst acquaintance let alone to that woman I am going to marry. But as we all know, Colte and Larissa hate each other and they are just staying with each other because of sheer momentum. Maybe these two deserve each other? Who knows.

I did appreciate that when Coltee calls Larissa the most beautiful woman in the world, she rolls her eyes. Eventually, the couples get to dinner and Larissa admits that she is a crazy bitch with a good heart. Andrew agrees that she is insecure and Larissa adds that sometimes she needs Coltee’s assurance. Everyone bonds at the table over calling this woman insane, which is both beautiful and oh-so troubling. (It’s mostly troubling!)

Back in Russia, Steven is fixing to abduct that baby. This man has no regard for Olga and treats her like utter trash. What else is there to say! I don’t like anything about Steven. I don’t like that the fate of this child is uncertain and we’re supposed to be entertained by this tension, when this is a real baby and a real mother having to bend to the whims of this emotionally erratic man. Baby Richie got his American citizenship, which is great, but it now poses the threat that Steven could legitimately steal the child from his mother and never see her again. Steven likes to excuse his behavior by citing the fact that he was raised without his father, and he just wants to be in his son’s life. While that may be true, I think Steven is just selfish and pigheaded. If I remember correctly, he was jealous of this newborn baby 14 minutes ago. Steven only cares about his own feelings and won’t even stop to consider that if he wanted to be in his son’s life he could move to Russia or go back to the United States and impregnate a local girl. Okay … maybe not the last idea, but my point is that Steven has options that don’t involve him torturing my sweet Olga.

In Utah, Kalani is pregnant again. Usually pregnancy is a cause for celebration, unless you’re a grandparent on Teen Mom, but in Kalani’s case she’s extremely depressed. She doesn’t know how she’s going to provide for another child, knowing full well that her soon-to-be-husband’s only marketable skill is smashing coconuts. I am not going to judge Kalani and Asuelu for accidentally getting pregnant. What I will do is explain science to any readers who are concerned about getting pregnant themselves. When you have unprotected sex, the semen is able to fertilize an egg and that’s how babies are made. Thus, if you do not want to get pregnant, you must use protection. That may come in the form of condoms, IUDs, birth control pills, or other contraceptives that you should consult your physician about. Again, this is no judgement on Kalani and Asuelu, but … they shouldn’t be surprised that they got pregnant after having unprotected sex. Especially since that’s how baby Oliver got here in the first place, we should all know that Asuelu is not shooting blanks …

My heart goes out to Kalani, who is in a very tough position. She is about to go from having to two kids to three, if you count Asuelu, who is just a man-child with an overactive libido. Ultimately, Kalani resolves to marry Asuelu because she’s loved him since she met him. Now, it would be rude of me to mention that she met Asuelu like nine months ago, so instead … I’ll mind my own business … But I will say that Kalani’s not telling her family that she’s pregnant because she doesn’t want to raise any more red flags is counterproductive.

We head back to Baraboo, Wisconsin, where we find that Eric has chosen Leida over his own flesh and blood. Eric justifies betraying the only family he’s ever known by reasoning that Tasha won’t leave the country and never come back, thus he can hurt her and eventually mend the relationship. This is the stupidest logic I’ve ever heard. Has he ever watched an episode of Law & Order? Children hate their parents all the time and go on to live long, healthy lives full of resentment and malice! He better pray that little Alessandro is taking care of his nursing home arrangements because Tasha will definitely get him back for this one. That Eric and his daughter will repair this is not certain. The only thing that’s certain are the scars on Tasha’s heart, which also happens to be the name of her punk rock band.

This turmoil brings Eric and Leida closer together and they kiss for what I believe is the first time in their engagement. I guess the wedding is going full steam ahead, which prompts Eric and his father to get haircuts in preparation. Their entire conversation is just one big subtweet as Eric’s dad asserts that he wouldn’t kick his child out for being a slob, saying, “It’s not always easy to sit by and watch your children make mistakes and bite your tongue … ” This prompts Eric to cry in his confessional as he makes the case that the right decision isn’t always the easy decision. The right decision would have been to not evict his daughter over speakerphone on national television. The easy decision is not to get married to a woman who is willing to put a wedge between him and his children. But this man has horrible judgement, as is demonstrated by his Sound of Music haircut … if you catch my drift … (He looks like a character from after the midpoint of the film when the movie gets real dark … if you catch my drift …). Eventually, Leida meets with Eric’s ex-wife to not-apologize for her actions. This meeting is actually pointless because Leida lacks the emotional maturity to be an adult and accept any wrongdoing. She won’t beg the kids to come to her wedding because she has pride. If there is one thing that’s clear it’s that Leida plans on doing everything she can to isolate Eric’s family from Eric and her son.

Lastly we have Jonathan and Fernanda, two empty bottles of Red Bull who are hell-bent on making as much noise as possible before walking down the aisle. These two have the healthiest relationship of all the 90-day fiancés, so any tension producers attempt to drum up falls on uninterested ears. The problem with their relationship is there are no real stakes. The other couples have abductions, estranged daughters, secret pregnancies, hate crimes, and a mother-wife who just won’t quit. But Jonathan and Fernanda? If they were to end their relationship right now, Fernanda would go back to Mexico and remember this moment in her life as her wild year studying abroad. Jonathan would get married to someone else (or not) and the world would keep turning. Nevertheless, we’re expected to keep up with their drama. Jonathan gets a drink with his friend, and Fernanda is upset because she is home alone. Both of them refuse to listen to the other person’s perspective. The only real tension comes when Jonathan throws all the things he’s done for Fernanda in her face. If he really is so resentful of getting her an apartment, college tuition, a boob job, and a car, he shouldn’t have gotten those things for her in the first place. Oh, well. They will get over it and have a beautiful wedding next week. Until next time …

90 Day Fiancé Recap: High Stakes, Low IQ