Christmas is an innocent time, full of wonder and wholesome family cheer. But as kids grow, their desires turn from toys to other things. Santa meets up with the elves on the shelves, who report on their kids. Every child has been very nice, and not at all naughty. All except Jason Momoa’s kid, who has just discovered crankin’ it. Poor Elf-moa doesn’t have the words to explain to his asexual compatriots what exactly his kid, Marshall, is doing. But on the plus side, Santa doesn’t seem to think masturbation is naughty, and therefore Marshall will be getting some new soft socks for Christmas. Honestly, this is the least creepy Elf on a Shelf has seemed. Suddenly we’re all supposed to be cool with indoctrinating our children into the surveillance state? Doesn’t seem very merry.