The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Have you ever had that thing happen where one of your friends gets a new friend and they keep talking about them? Okay, that’s not that annoying, but the really annoying thing is when they expect you to follow this strange third friend’s drama. Like, I don’t care if your co-worker’s boyfriend’s aunt keeps coming over to their apartment right before they’re about to have sex! I don’t know who Jessica is! Her boyfriend Cliff and her aunt Roberta mean literally nothing to me.
That’s how I feel right now with The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Who is Yvonna and why is she shouting at me? Why am I getting a tour of Tanya’s house? What happened in the Real Housewives Cinematic Universe that I now know that Tanya has a combination panic room-closet? Who are these women? Am I supposed to care about them? If I see Yvonna fighting over a bedroom on a trip, I will lose my damn mind. Let’s get to it.
This episode starts and Cynthia is cutting up fruit like she’s never handled a knife before. Coming down the stairs is a mystery man. He’s got some beautiful boots and it’s … Leon!
Okay, this summer, I organized this pretty big event and as a result, I got to participate in the Bud Billiken Parade in Chicago. As if that wasn’t already a black bucket-list item, there were all kinds of black celebrities walking around. I was sitting at a picnic table waiting for the parade to start and the crowds parted for a moment and I found myself making direct eye contact with Leon. I had never seen … nay, never experienced another human with that level of magnetism. I was ready to risk it all in that moment. Leon could have told me anything.
Back to the show: Leon is in Atlanta to help Noelle off to college. Noelle wants to go off to Howard and major in pre-dentistry and get an off-campus apartment. It appears that Leon’s the Bad Cop in the Bailey household, while Cynthia is applying her grown-ass woman logic to college. Yes, a 51-year-old woman would like to live in an apartment with a private bathroom and a bathtub, but your child is in college. She can live in the dorms. It’s okay.
Shamari and Kandi head out for a lunch double date. The producers keep telling Shamari to bring up her open marriage even though it’s clearly killing DeVoe. It’s eating him from the inside out. Shamari fell in love and DeVoe maybe banged a couple people. Kandi and Todd say that whatever works for them isn’t their business (so please stop talking about it). The more Shamari talks about her relationships with women, the clearer it becomes that Kandi is more … threesome-positive than bicurious. Shamari was about to throw it all away. Kandi was just around some vaginas at parties.
Most of the episode is heading toward a couples’ dinner party NeNe and Gregg are throwing. The theme is Boobs and Bourbon.
BOOBS AND BOURBON. NeNe must have a bag of words that she uses when putting together her party themes.
The most ridiculous thing is, the only drink NeNe serves at the party is WINE. The party does not deliver on 50 percent of what it promised. At least the All-White Seafood Extravaganza Girls & Gays Never Forget Soiree was ALL OF THOSE THINGS.
But before we get to the party, Kandi and Porsha sit down to clear the air. This is some half-baked drama. Kandi had half of the information required to start some shit and Porsha is completely ignoring any red flags from Dennis the Hot Dog King to get worked up. Let’s just move on.
It’s time for the B00BZ + Bourbon Bash and all these miscellaneous bitches are showing up. I gotta know who Rick is?! Yvonna is one of NeNe’s customers at Swagg. Marlo also shows up in what can only be described as designer dominatrix wear with a man who could only be described as a Michael Chiklis stunt double. A Twitter account was livetweeting the episode and referred to him as “Marlo’s bae.” I don’t think they are fully aware of Marlo and “Kevin’s” relationship.
Yvonna is DRUNK. She is FUCKED UP. Eva introduces herself and Yvonna is furious that Eva doesn’t remember her. They allegedly went to college together and Eva is best friends with Yvonna’s best friend. See? This is the kind of shit I’m now supposed to remember. I don’t have the space in my brain. Yvonna goes on a rampage shouting about how she was, is, and continues to be THAT BITCH. Well, you must not have been because you have nary a peach.
This is all a set-up for a couples’ trip. Lord give me strength.
Finally, Porsha heads to Dennis’s loft to assign his private chef to cook them a fancy breakfast. Dennis is drinking champagne for his birthday and Porsha is drinking something else. When it’s time for his presents, Porsha sits him down and gives him some tiny bedazzled baby shoes and a baby onesie.
This is impossibly sweet. His reaction is very cute because he keeps shouting “WOW!” over and over. She shows him the pregnancy test and they cry together. Looks like he’s gotta get a new tattoo.