Photo: Isabella Vosmikova/Bravo
We’ve only been away from our favorite prestige television villains for six months and when we return it’s like everyone has a new haircut. Well, not everyone. Katie will never get rid of her Lana-Del-Rey-in-a-windstorm long locks and Brittany hasn’t changed her hair since she got it done for the senior prom, but some of the other changes were dramatic. Lala’s hair is jet black, which looks absolutely amazing, especially since Randall is officially her man and she can spend all of his money on Erika Jayne-esque pink floral dresses covered with ruffles. She looks like the Black Swan became a street style blogger.
Scheana’s hair is also dramatically different. It’s not just that color of black that’s so black it absorbs light, it’s also so black that it absorbs thoughts — but, luckily for us, Scheana doesn’t have any of those, so she’s entirely safe. Her new ’do also has some kind of beach wave thing going on, which gives it a “Dirrty”-era Christina Aguilera vibe. Hostess Billie Lee now has a Breathless Mahoney-esque curly blonde bob and it is the worst decision she has ever made in her life.
Kristen’s hair is now blunt and short, kind of like her ex-boyfriend James. (SICK BURN!) It looks better than ever, and the same goes for her other ex, Tom Sandoval, whose hair is finely coiffed, short, and doesn’t have any Day-Glo extensions or other ridiculousness in it. It’s like everyone is challenging Ariana for her hair supremacy. Well, everyone except for Stassi, whose look is like a mosquito stuck in amber, and Tom Schwartz, who will never stop cutting his own hair in the bathroom mirror while he’s half-drunk from seven rounds of “half-shots”.
Aside from all of the hair reveals, the major event of the episode is that Jax proposes to Brittany over a plate of crab legs at an open-air seafood shack in Malibu. When Jax told everyone he was having a limo take them to Malibu, I was thinking of a restaurant with white tablecloths and huge glass windows overlooking Yolanda Hadid’s lemon orchard. Instead we got a self-serve seafood place with yokels in bandannas gawking while Jax fumbles in his junk for the ball-sweat-scented ring he stashed there.
Everything about Jax’s proposal is totally wrong, and that’s without taking into account that a serial cheater is finally going to tie the knot with someone who is never going to be up for key parties. First of all, he spends his entire inheritance from his father on an enormous (and quite tasteful and beautiful) ring. The jeweler says it would “usually” cost $70,000 for the stone alone, which makes me wonder if the ring was more than that or if Jax got some kind of a discount for “promotional consideration.” Jax says he sunk all of that money into the ring so that every time he looks at it he could think of his father.
First of all, Brittany Cartwright is not the kind of woman who wants a $70,000 ring. Brittany is the kind of woman who wants him to take that $70,000 and put a down payment on a house. While I’m sure Brittany loves bling, she is a practical person above all else and would rather have security than something giant on her finger. Second of all, if, God forbid, they ever break up, she gets to keep that ring. Then he can think about his father every time he thinks about how dumb he was to give his entire inheritance away to someone else.
After Jax’s weird Malibu proposal (maybe that place has some significance to them as a couple, but if it does it was never explained to the audience) he’s going to take Brittany back to their apartment where there will be a surprise engagement party. A party right after the engagement is always a bad idea. If she says no or it goes poorly, it’s just going to ruin the party. If it goes well and she wants to knock boots, then you can’t, because your house is full of people who you then have to clean up after and you’re not getting any nookie on the night you get engaged and that seems like a damn shame. Maybe that’s what the limo is for?
But Brittany says yes and seems genuinely moved and excited by it, so who am I to judge Jax’s proposal? Oh, I guess that’s kind of my job. Consider yourselves judged. Speaking of which, I’m going to wait a little bit longer until I judge Beau, Stassi’s new beau. He seems nice, normal, funny, and very handsome. I can’t seem to find anything wrong with him, but then why, pray tell, would he be dating Stassi, a voodoo doll stuck together with want and heightened self-regard? It doesn’t make sense to me, unless Stassi is actually a cool, smart chick and she was only driven to that awful behavior by dating Jax for all of those years. Maybe everything we know about Stassi is wrong. Holy shit, I just blew my own mind. Please hold while I assemble the skull-chunks that are now scattered about my study.
Okay, better. This premiere holds a few other small storylines — Lisa’s brother committed suicide and she’s really sad; Tom and Tom are trying to come up with a cocktail menu for Tom Tom and really only want to make diamonds out of ice cubes; Lala got her ears pierced — but the other major event is another dustup between Jax and DJ James Kennedy. Jax is mad because James was freestyling on the mic at his signature DJ night, See You Next Tuesday, and made a joke about Jax cheating with Faith while Brittany was standing right there. Then Brittany went home and cried.
Let me tell you something about Jax and DJ James Kennedy: these guys are two drops of piss off the same dick. The reason they hate each other so much is because they both hate themselves. They see themselves in each other so they can’t keep that hate down, no matter how many pairs of limited-edition underwear they buy each other. What James did was childish, impulsive, and idiotic. He did it for a quick boost to his ego. The same thing can be said for Jax’s cheating with Faith, which James is making fun of. Without Jax there could be no joke.
When Brittany goes home and cries, it’s because Jax gave her something to cry about first. Now he’s getting mad at James for “making his girlfriend cry” when he should really be angry at himself for treating her like shit in the first place. James is hiding behind the fact that his freestyling is “art” and that he’s just trying to express himself. But come on. As much as he likes to compare himself to Kanye, what he is doing is not art. The crowd at See You Next Tuesday is not there for art. They’re only at SUR because it’s Disneyland for Real Housewives fans. The crowd only reacts to his line because it is something they knew from the show, not because it was so incredibly creative they couldn’t help losing their minds.
Somehow the stupidest thing about this whole fight, which is really really dumb, is that James is wearing a See You Next Tuesday long-sleeve T-shirt with the hashtag #CUNXTT. What does that even mean? The joke is that See You Next Tuesday is supposed to spell CUNT, and the hashtag is not even that, it just has an extraneous X in the middle and two T’s for no discernible reason. It’s like saying, “Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” “Madonna’s version of ‘American Pie.’”
Around the corner at the future site of Tom Tom, Tom Sandoval finishes shaking a stainless steel cocktail shaker, fits a strainer into its rim, and pours the contents into a chilled martini glass. He raises the mint green cocktail to his lips and takes an exploratory sip. “Oh, I think this is it,” he says, turning to Schwartz, who is standing next to him behind the partially built bar.
Schwartz takes a small sip and starts to smile. “It seems like it’s made with that special ingredient.”
“Lisa told us we can’t put CBD oil in any of the cocktails,” Sandoval says.
“No,” Schwartz says, reaching his free hand around Sandoval’s backside while putting the cocktail glass on the bar. “I meant love.” They both laugh as Schwartz pulls Sandoval in close, and they’re still smiling as they start kissing. They hold each other in a tight embrace as their kisses get deeper and deeper, and Sandoval can still feel the cold chill from the drink on Schwartz’s tongue as they wrangle in each other’s mouths. Yes, Sandoval thinks, tasting his latest mixological marvel yet again on Schwartz. But then he isn’t sure. Is it the liquor or is it his man? Maybe it’s both, maybe it’s everything, he thought as Schwartz lowered him to the floor and started grappling with his shirt buttons.