Wow, what a season of celebration! 90 Day Fiancé has come and gone and we are all the wiser for it. I think if there is one thing we can take from this season it’s that true love conquers all — it conquers objective reason, rational thought, and one’s biological instinct to protect one’s children. Everyone on this show is in love with something: Jonathan is in love with his barely legal bride, Leida is in love with her own misperceptions of the American dream, and Stephen is in love with himself. But none of these loves can compete with the castmates’ overwhelming obsession with Larissa and Coltee. For a couple they claim to despise, they seem to be the only thing anyone can talk about.
Somehow, every cast member has worked against their best interests to make this 90 Day Fiancé tell-all The Larissa and Colt Show, which would have a 13-episode order at TLC if not for the fact that Coltee filed for divorce on January 10, after Larissa was arrested for the third (third!) time for first-degree domestic battery. Coltee and Larissa don’t need any help establishing their storyline, because on any given day the threat of deportation or incarceration is more present than the light behind Deb’s eyes.
Yet, the cast spent 12 hours filming without Larissa and Colt and somehow managed to make them the centerpiece of every conversation. I commend Larissa and Colt for sucking up attention in that room, as it is not an easy feat. With the Oedipus complex personified, a large adult baby named Asuelu, and Mr. Tinder-Fingers over there, being able to dominate that room is like having an open flesh wound on a public bus. You have to be completely unsettling to make anyone look up. Larissa and Coltee have those type of personalities that grab your face and smash it against a wall.
This is what we in the business call “reality TV magic.” Coltee and Larissa have cracked the code, prompting them to get a one-on-one sit-down with Shaun Robinson despite being a part of an ensemble cast. This allows Larissa to clear up any confusion about her ass selfie on the police car that she posted apparently to uplift her fans. I’m happy that Larissa has such a lighthearted attitude about the justice system that will undoubtedly send her back to Brazil. Life is nothing without the laughs we share in between court dates.
The truth is that I don’t have anything bad to say about Larissa and Colt other than the obvious. Larissa is not a stable person, but I love that she states that Colt is a software engineer in arguments like it’s a trump card to shut haters up. Colt is just weird. I can’t get a hold of what his intentions are with Larissa. He says he loves her and that she reacts to situations emotionally, which I believe he means. But somehow he’s always at the center of drama without ever claiming any responsibility for his behavior. The more I think about Colt, the more I suspect he’s horny for drama in addition to apparently just being horny all the time.
Eventually, the other castmates, who are as desperate for attention as Steven’s newborn baby, get tired of not being in the spotlight, which is when they slowly resolve to give Larissa “one more chance” and go out there in front of the cameras. Spearheaded by Ashley (and the producers who just want to see their families again) the group hive bumbles their way back to set. It’s at this moment that Steven advises Jonathan to be a real man and not say anything to Coltee and Larissa. This is not bad advice, except Steven and Jonathan call our favorite Nevada residents trash. If Jonathan and Steven are our nation’s examples of class, please bury me in the gutter.
I don’t know if I have brought this up enough, but Jonathan seems to have started dating Fernanda when she was underaged which is … not classy. And they aren’t even together anymore, so all that creepin’ was for naught. And Steven, don’t get me started on that Olga-hating ogre. No man on this show is a good example. Even Asuelu seems to have some dark rage lingering in him that feels like a big reveal in the last 15 minutes of a Law & Order episode. Who knew this man had such a potty mouth? I’m guessing the censors who decided to take this hour-and-a-half off.
But the worst man of all is Eric. I can not stand him or his Sound of Music haircut. Eric’s relationship with his daughter should embarrass him. It embarrasses me to watch him pick Leida over his family under the guise that he’s teaching Tasha a lesson. He believes that Tasha made him choose, but as someone who believes in personal responsibility, he owes it to himself to not use that weak excuse. I truly do not know how anyone could sit there and humiliate their child and then have the gall to demand an apology. Eric is wrong and he’ll learn that when he realizes just how alone he is with Leida as she continues to demand a lifestyle he’s unable to give. Eric refers to Steven’s opinion on his marriage as that of a “snowflake” and I can hear the dog-whistling all the way from Baraboo, Wisconsin. Whatever Eric’s hate-based politics are, he’s a horrible person for what he’s doing to his family and that’s the only thing to say about him.
And as far as Leida is concerned, pretending to do her nails while Tasha is on video chat is just disgusting. When it comes to Leida and Eric, these are two monsters that I’m happy have found each other. There clearly is no adult in the room, because Eric and Leida arguing about who called who names with the lady Skrillex is just unproductive. I support Tasha in this dark time and I look forward to her emo band’s debut single, “The Bitch Stole My Dad.” #IstandwithTasha.
Other things happened but are they really worth our time? Ashley and Jay’s relationship hangs on by a string of her bleached-blonde hair. Ashley is unsure whether to stay or go, which is a certain kind of purgatory that no one but a man who downloads Tinder on his wedding day deserves. One of the weirdest details of this reunion was watching Jay casually hit on Fernanda, exalting her as an example of class and poise as Jonathan subtly stiff-arms him away. Asuelu and Kalani are still having a baby … Asuelu closes out the tell-all ceremony by performing a traditional Samoan dance. It is both sweet and troubling, but I will ignore the racist undertones of a group of people making Asuleu dance to for their entertainment because I appreciate that he brought his culture to the show.
The tell-all ends with an additional tell-all recorded via Skype where they react to the reactions of the other 90-day fiancés. The production leaves a lot to be desired, but we do get a couple of gems. Steven apologizes for not previously apologizing to Olga. That’s good. Jonathan and Fernanda are still saying Coltee and Larissa are irrelevant, which … is sad. And Ashley and Jay are still not NOT together. Over the course of a season, it seems like we’ve come so far only to land back where we started. And isn’t that the premise of 90 Day Fiancé? Committing to something without really knowing what you’re getting into, only to look back on the time you’ve spent together and wonder why you got involved in the first place.