The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Real Housewives of Atlanta? I would like to tell you one thing: Do NOT do a flash-forward then rewind to the beginning of the story if you’re not going to give us the entire fight. Don’t tease me with a pregnant Porsha going after Kandi because when we finally get to the fight, there is only like seven minutes left in the episode. I know I shouldn’t be excited that a pregnant woman and a mother were about to come to blows, but it was way more exciting than some other storylines in this episode. Listen, I’m not saying I wanted a fight, but if you’re gonna give us a fight, give us the whole thing. We’ve been doing TO BE CONTINUED thing for a minute now in the Real Housewives Cinematic Universe, so let’s just get to the continued!
So the main storyline this episode is this scuffle at Todd’s birthday party. Can we just talk about this birthday party theme? Todd wants to have a Michael Jordan themed birthday party because Jordan’s last number in the NBA was 45?!?!?!? This is a reach for a theme, Todd.
ANYWAY. The episode cuts between Porsha with NeNe, Cynthia, Shamea, and Lauren and Kandi and the rest of the Kandi Factory talking about the scuffle at the party. The short version is one of Kandi’s employees (or “workers” as Porsha calls them) and one of Dennis’ exes greeted Dennis at the birthday party and tried to give him a cheek kiss. Porsha decided she didn’t like the looks of this one bit and followed the ex around the party for a bit. Kandi’s staff asked Porsha to leave and the next morning, the scuffle was all over The Blogs. Porsha is mad that Kandi hasn’t called her to apologize and Kandi is mad that Porsha hasn’t called her to apologize.
The most preposterous thing is that Porsha thinks this whole thing was a set-up. By who? For what? To make her do what? If someone was trying to prove that Porsha is quick to lash out and maybe more than a little insecure about her relationship, they didn’t need to set up this Operation Valkyrie. You could have just waited patiently. The moral of all this is any truce or resolution between Kandi and Porsha was a lie. They were both just waiting for the opportunity to go after each other.
The next major storyline is about Cynthia’s boyfriend Fox Sports Mike Hill coming into town. Normally, when he comes into town, Noelle is at Cynthia’s so he has to stay at his mom’s house. But now? Mike is going to stay with Cynthia. From the moment he arrives, their lips are so firmly placed together that no light or air can pass between them. Mike is READY. Cynthia is giggly and nervous because she thinks that Mike is going to propose. Oh, Cynthia. Y’all, Cynthia is so incapable of being alone. She needs a deep and co-dependent relationship and Mike is just trying to bang her on the counter next to the container of Moe’s Southwest Grill guacamole.
Mike’s big question? “Will you be my lady?” He’s 48, she’s 51, they’ve been dating for five months and this is what he had to ask her? Dear God, fix men.
Meanwhile, NeNe is inviting Peter over to have a drink and hang out with Gregg. Ugh. Why? NeNe asks Peter about Cynthia’s new man and his response is “I don’t watch Fox Sports, I watch ESPN” and NeNe reacts like it’s the read of the century. Trying to shade your ex-wife’s new boyfriend’s job ain’t it, chief. Just date your 25-year-olds and leave Cynthia alone.
Can I just say I’m not here for Tanya? As a person, I’m sure she’s fine but she seems a little too … choreographed? She doesn’t really fit in with the OG ladies of Atlanta. She’s a little too Jack & Jill for this cast and I say this as a former Jack & Jill kid. Get Tanya in Potomac where she belongs. Tanya is not a bad bitch and Atlanta needs to be full of bad bitches.
Eva and Tanya want to throw a trip that’s a last hurrah before Eva’s wedding. That’s different than a bachelorette party for contractual reasons. They spin the globe a few times until their fingers land on … Tokyo! FOR ALL THE REAL FANS OUT THERE, Tokyo is where Eva secured her place as one of America’s Next Top Models. My dad still talks about her challenge win where she got Mikimoto pearls.
Also, I’m going to say this: Shamari has not delivered the television that I wanted from her this season. We’re 10 episodes in and it feels like she doesn’t know any of the other Housewives and the majority of her footage is her describing her problems to a family member. If one of my writing students brought in these scenes with Shamari, I’d tell them, “What does this character want? Are they going after what they want? They’re just talking about what they want without going after it! Also, add more sound effects.” Between Shamari and Tanya, the new additions this season just aren’t giving me the Oh-Ah-Ah sensation that I’m looking for. So far, the biggest drama is whether Porsha remembered Shamari. That’s the best you got, girl? Accuse someone of racketeering or being an illegal wire-haired terrier breeder. Big swings, Shamari.
The end of the episode is Eva and Tanya’s hibachi party where they’re going to introduce the Tokyo trip. Everyone arrives at Tanya’s house because she has a private hibachi room. As someone who has dragged my family to Benihana for more than one birthday dinner, I gotta give respect where it’s due. A private hibachi room is GOALS.
Kandi arrives first and Cynthia and NeNe grill her about the birthday party situation. Kandi basically says if the girl was on her way out, why did Porsha need to follow her and antagonize her? Porsha arrives in the middle of Kandi laying out her story. Kandi asks Porsha, “What did I do to you?”
Porsha says that Kandi has been throwing lies to the press, refuses to apologize for her staff’s actions, and yapping about Dennis and his past relationships. Kandi says that Porsha has a lot of nerve to act like the victim when she was the aggressor. Kandi gets up to leave when she shouts at Porsha that Porsha doesn’t know how to control herself, and then Porsha gets up and is about to run at Kandi even though she’s a pregnant person. Ma’am, please return to your assigned seat. You are fully pregnant. You can’t get in a fight on Tanya’s deck.
TO BE CONTINUED… (Ugh.)