The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Maybe it’s because I’ve spent the last four hours watching WWE with my boyfriend, but this episode felt like an emotional Royal Rumble. (If you’re unfamiliar, the Royal Rumble is a WWE match in which 30 wresters enter the ring — one every 90 seconds — and are eliminated by being thrown over the top rope and hitting the ground.) I felt like there should have been a countdown clock in the corner of the screen this episode. Every 90 seconds, another woman’s emotional baggage would walk down the ramp and slide into the ring, ready to throw some punches. In addition to flipping people over the top rope, there’s the strategy that just involves hiding under the ring until you’re the last one standing. Marlo and Eva were definitely in the flip-people-over-the-ropes camp, and by the end of the episode, NeNe was hiding under the ring.
Before we get into everything, let me just say — this Japan trip is DELIVERING. We’ve got everything: geishas, a punctual tour guide, vegetarian food for monks. Everyone is jet-lagged and trying to pull together a look before they have to meet Aya for a cultural excursion. We’re running on some intense emotions. Let’s get to it.
We pick up the episode without opening credits and in the middle of the Tanya/NeNe fight. I do not get what Tanya’s endgame is here. She can’t hold her own next to NeNe, who is so bereft of fucks that tumbleweeds roll o’er the fields where her fucks once lay. Tanya, if you and your sort-of-husband are happy and don’t want to get a regular marriage, so be it. Hopefully you’re getting laid and someone is buying you a Valentine’s Day gift. What do you care what other people think? Also, Tanya, if you’re not joking to your sort-of-husband’s face about him being replaceable, are you even living? Tanya bursts into tears and it feels like when you’re playing around with your siblings and maybe you’re all being a little too rough but then one of them bursts into tears and it’s not fun anymore. Shamari says that maybe they should just exchange those vows under God and Marlo says, “Single is okay, too.”
Instead of dealing with any of Tanya’s emotions, NeNe just gets up and leaves. The sheer audacity it takes to get up from a lunch and walk into the crowd in a foreign country. I think NeNe walked straight into the sea.
Kandi is still refusing to eat any of the local cuisine and is eyeing a McDonald’s. Kandi is willing to have wild sexy parties and threesomes but she can’t try sushi? I need her to bring that adventurous energy to the plate. The ladies get back into the bus to head back to the hotel. Aya brings them some McDonald’s. That night they’re going to head to the red-light district for some karaoke.
Eva sets the dress code at “sexy casual” and that means no sneaker wedges. The fact that people are still out there in sneaker wedges is a nightmare. Marlo takes the opportunity to tell Eva’s “Birkenstock-wearing ass” about herself. This UNLEASHES a 30-minute fight between Eva and Marlo. Marlo has been coming for Eva’s baggy T-shirts and Eva is ready to come for Marlo’s janky-ass wig. Eva has been holding onto these insults; you can tell that she’s been waiting for this moment. One of my favorite moments is when Marlo needs a little break and just throws out a “your mother” and Eva comes back with “play mothers with Shamari.” Shamari is like, “Wait … hey … ” Shamari can’t catch any breaks with these women.
Eva is unrelenting. When she yells, “If you don’t pick up your göt2b glue and put down them edges,” I fucking SCREAMED. Marlo says, “You have two kids by two fathers,” and Eva says, “You have what? Nothing? That ill-fitting wig is what you got.” I AM WEAK, EVA. This was Eva’s “Back to Back.” I have never been more proud of Eva and I watched her win ANTM live on television.
Once they get back to the hotel, some of the ladies head to NeNe’s room to catch her up on the epic battle and see if she’s okay. Eva heads to Tanya’s room to continue to defend herself. Eva says, “She must be jealous because it takes so much effort for her to be fly and so little effort for me to be fly.” Eva is wearing a T-shirt that’s no fewer than three sizes too big. Ma’am. Please be in couture the next time you say that. Marlo finally gets her luggage and she’s ready to show out.
They head out to karaoke and Porsha is too tired and too pregnant to come out. Once they get to the red-light district, Kandi is disappointed because there isn’t public nudity. Karaoke is a fun li’l montage where Bravo only paid the licensing fee for the Xscape song they end the night with.
The next morning, Eva gets a message from her mom that her family is getting ready to pull her grandfather’s life support and he’ll probably pass away within a day or so. Eva is broken down and wants to head home. Tanya calls the other ladies to come support Eva. Marlo is wearing a geisha-inspired wig that is not appropriate for the situation or the context. Nonetheless, this is a sweet moment between Eva and everyone else, especially when Porsha suggests they go out to celebrate her grandfather, because it’s what he would have wanted.
It’s time to leave for the geisha cultural experience. The departure time is 11:15 and Aya is not waiting for anyone. She pulls off at 11:16 and NeNe comes downstairs at 11:17. Tanya is pleading with Aya not to leave NeNe. Cynthia calls NeNe and NeNe speaks with the cool, calm, and collected manner of someone who is waiting for a shipment of poison to arrive. The ladies arrive at the geisha demonstration and a sweet Japanese woman has to find the words to ask them to shut the fuck up. Tanya is running her mouth about an episode of Sex and the City where Carrie gets her shoes stolen and this woman is trying with all her might to be polite when she asks them to be quiet, for God’s sake.
How do the ladies like the geisha demonstration? According to Porsha and Cynthia, the cheekbones are high, the bodies are snatched, the lace fronts are SIT-TING.
Meanwhile, NeNe is lying in her hotel room when a producer comes in and NeNe tells Marcus to get out of her room. Apparently, Gregg is not answering her phone calls or her texts and when he does, he’s got an attitude. Things are not going great.
After a few games and prizes, the ladies head to lunch and NeNe meets them there. She is … not in a good mood. Gregg is testing every last bit of her patience and Porsha is trying her best to relate to NeNe. When it’s time for them all to leave, Cynthia can’t get off the floor and Marlo’s faux-geisha wig nearly falls off again. Outside the restaurant, Tanya wants to chat with NeNe. GIRL. NO. NeNe is making the same face your significant other makes during a fight when they’ve already decided they’re going to break up with you. They’re just letting you get whatever this is out and will be calling for a moving truck in the morning. That’s where NeNe is at emotionally and Tanya is just prattling on about how they have to turn up for Eva. NeNe is about to turn up on that ass.
To be continued …