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Late Night’s Roast of Roger Stone

Photo: NBC

It’s true what all the old men say: PC culture has ruined comedy. It used to be that late night was dominated by fat jokes, wife jokes, and fat-wife jokes. And we were grateful! But today, jokes about people’s appearance are relatively off-limits. But when an evil guy dresses weird, even the most progressive comedians are off to the races. When Roger Stone was indicted, you could hear writers rooms across America begin to drool. They’d done every variation of “Mitch McConnell looks like a turtle” and “Trump is orange.” It was time for a fresh new sound. And like jazz, Roger Stone burns are all about variations on a theme, improvising within the chord. Here are all the appearance-based slams created by the artists of late night this week.

Willy Wonka Nods

“[Stone was] charged with seven counts of witness tampering, making false statements, and impersonating the owner of a candy factory.” —Seth Meyers

“Rival candymaker hellbent on stealing the recipe for the Gobstopper Roger Stone.” —Stephen Colbert

“[Stone] spent most of the ’70s traveling the world in a glass elevator he stole from Willy Wonka.” —Seth Meyers

Batman Villainy

“There’s speculation that the FBI’s target was not Mr. Stone himself, but his electronic devices. They went after everything: his computers, his phones, the umbrella he uses to defeat Batman. [Cut to Stone at his most Penguin-y.]” —Stephen Colbert

“Here he is on the way to the courthouse. [Footage of Burgess Meredith’s Penguin.] Unusual for a defendant to drive himself, but Roger Stone is an unusual fellow.” —Jimmy Kimmel

On His Tattoo

“There’s a lot more to Roger Stone than a conehead and a Richard Nixon tattoo. Actually, that’s about it, but let’s talk about him anyway.” —Samantha Bee

“Not pictured: where he has one [a tattoo] of Trump. Let’s put it this way: t’ain’t on his back!” —Stephen Colbert

“[It’s] possible that the tattoo just burned onto his skin while he was sleeping.” —Seth Meyers

“You know it’s bad when you get a picture of Richard Nixon on your body and it’s an improvement.” —Samantha Bee

“The cover-up is the crime. He would have known that if he had asked his tattoo.” —Samantha Bee

“He’s easy to spot because he dresses like a Dick Tracy villain. He also has a tattoo of Richard Nixon on his back and — I believe — a Henry Kissinger tramp stamp.” —Brian Stack on The Late Show

“We got him on lying, witness tampering, and answering the door in an open bathrobe. You don’t wanna know where his G. Gordon Liddy tattoo is.” —Brian Stack on The Late Show

On His Age and Steampunk-Esque Nature

“Roger Stone was arrested on Friday by FBI agents, who were wearing ballistic vests and carrying guns. Although, by the look of him, all they needed was a stick to jam in the propeller of his airship.” —Seth Meyers

“If he weren’t a political consultant, he’d be the world’s oldest chimney sweep.” —Seth Meyers

“I didn’t know Downton Abbey had a pimp.” —Seth Meyers

“Mueller arrested him for seven counts of perjury and five counts of looking like Teddy Roosevelt’s deadbeat dad.” —Seth Meyers

“[As Stone] I’ll steal that dog of yours and then it’s off to Monte Carlo in my autogiro!” —Seth Meyers

“The FBI actually had to raid early in the morning because that’s exactly when Roger Stone gets back into his coffin for the day.” —Samantha Bee

And just like in dog shows, all the miscellaneous ones go into …

Nonsporting Group

“What Mike Pence would look like after one drink.” —Trevor Noah

“He dresses like he crashes British weddings.” —Trevor Noah

“He may go to jail, probably not even collecting $200! [Cut to picture of Mr. Pennybags.]” —Trevor Noah

“[Describing video of him protesting his treatment by the FBI in giant sunglasses] Calm down, fourth blind mouse.” —Trevor Noah

“Now if you’re not familiar with Roger Stone [cut to series of primates evolving into man], he’s the third one.” —Seth Meyers

“Did Quentin Tarantino remake Lincoln?” —Seth Meyers

“He looks like he got kicked out of the Magic Castle for vaping.” —Seth Meyers

“[Responding to a series of various Stone lewks] These look like the headshots on a poster for My Mother’s Italian, My Father’s Jewish, and I’m Going to Jail.” —Seth Meyers

“This guy was begging to be arrested. I mean, he imitates Richard Nixon, he quotes from The Godfather, and he dresses like Hannibal Lecter.” —Seth Meyers

“That’s silly. You don’t need a passport to travel via magic umbrella.” —Seth Meyers

“It’s easy to make fun of Roger Stone. He literally looks like an Easter Island statue.” —Samantha Bee

“Of course Roger Stone likes The Godfather! He thinks he’s James Caan, but he’s actually the horse.” —Samantha Bee

“Roger Stone’s parents hadn’t been that disappointed since the doctors said, ‘Congratulations, it’s a traffic cone!’” —Samantha Bee

“Bob Dole was so traumatized by imagining Stone having sex, he lost the ability to get an erection until the miracle of Viagra saved him.” —Samantha Bee

“He’s going to go to jail and no one will miss him. Except, of course, for Mrs. Peanut.” —Samantha Bee

“It’s taken decades of countless lies, deeply stupid acts of grandstanding, ferocious loyalty to criminals and losers, and a presumably very tired haberdasher, but now Roger Stone is getting credit, and it’s finally for shit he actually did.” —Samantha Bee

“If H.R. Pufnstuf had got to Slytherin.” —Charles Pierce on Jimmy Kimmel Live!

“Roger Stone today pleaded not guilty to charges in the Russia investigation, which raises the question: What does he wear when he pleads insanity?” —Seth Meyers

“Please, if you applaud every joke about how Roger Stone dresses tonight, you’re going to have blisters on your hands. I’m just saying, pace yourself.” —Seth Meyers

Late Night’s Roast of Roger Stone