the maria bamford questionnaire

Judd Apatow Answers the Maria Bamford Questionnaire

Judd Apatow. Photo: Valerie Macon/AFP/Getty Images

If you’re like us, you’re deeply in love with the comedy of Maria Bamford for how thoughtful, unique, honest, and vulnerable she is and always has been. And more than most comedians, Bamford is known for being notably curious and empathetic in interviews, often turning the tables on interviewers to ask them questions instead of the other way around. So we recently wondered: If Bamford were to interview comedians, what questions would she ask them, and what kind of answers would it inspire? Thankfully, Bamford agreed to send us 30 questions for what we are now calling the Maria Bamford Questionnaire, and for the very first installment, Judd Apatow, comedy filmmaker and executive producer of HBO’s Crashing, agreed to choose a handful of questions to answer.

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What just happened in your life?
I went to a yogurt store. Leslie waiting in the car. I put tons of chocolate toppings on the yogurt, then ate just the toppings in the store, and then came back pretending I got a small yogurt.

Who was the most difficult person to listen to (for you) recently?
Kellyanne Conway. She escaped from the movie Dr. Strangelove.

What do you like to eat and/or drink right before bed?
Sun Chips, chocolate espresso beans, Have’a Chips, ice cream, and orange soda.

What is the last thing you read — labels, Us Weekly, and texts count. Can you give us the gist of you learned?
I read a good tweet about how Trump has already golfed more than Obama golfed in eight years.

What religion would you choose to follow if you had to?
Buddhism, or whatever Oprah is into that week.

If you had to be the face of a product, what would you choose?
Pert Plus Shampoo.

Solution to a social ill of your choice in five words or less!
Trump in jail helps all.

Describe something that was funny to you.
My children follow many dogs who reside in Asia and are heavily groomed to look fluffy and perfect. Sometimes people post videos of them in slow-motion as wind machines blow on them. It’s funny.

Describe something that is not funny to you.
Hitting people when they are down.

Would you rather have the difficulty of losing 25 pounds or accepting an extra 25 pounds?
I feel like I am experiencing both of these right now, all the time. If you sit and watch 90 Day Fiancé, it is easier to accept.

If you could take a brain ride in anyone’s consciousness, whose would it be? What do you think they’d be thinking?
I would like to take a brain ride in Al Roker’s consciousness. He seems genuinely at peace with who he is, his positive role on earth, and is funny. I think it would be a nice vacation to be Al Roker.

What are you jealous of in a family member?
That they get to tell me what to do.

How many colors has your hair been?
Three. Jon Lovitz told me to use this shampoo, Control GX, which makes your hair less grey. I used too much and instantly looked exactly like Paul Manafort. Why was I seeking grooming advice from Jon Lovitz?

If you had to immigrate to another country due to political instability where would you go?
England. And I will very quickly learn the accent so I get in.

What’s the best thing you’ve ever learned from someone you don’t like?
I learned that if people think I do not respect them they will try to destroy me.

What’s your most repetitive, long-term fear?
Not dying.

Judd Apatow Answers the Maria Bamford Questionnaire