a mess!

Sean Penn Wants to Give Bradley Cooper an Oscar With ‘Balls’

Sean Penn. Photo: Michael Loccisano/Getty Images

While Bradley Cooper is off feeling like a failure for not getting a best director nomination out of A Star Is Born, Sean Penn, we now know, is outraged on his behalf. In a new “editorial” posted by Deadline, Penn lights into all those who would diminish the merits of Star and its director. In the post, titled “Sean Penn Says Bradley Cooper Has A Problem,” the man who once interviewed El Chapo says, “Bradley is a star … He’s young … he’ll have plenty of opportunities,” giving voice to the presumed inner monologues of industry professionals who have failed to honor Cooper for his talents this awards season. “If this, as I suspect, explains outcomes in other awards voting, voters will have certainly missed the point. This isn’t Bradley Cooper’s opportunity, its theirs to appreciate the depth and value of this film before its legacy outlasts their chance to participate in it.”

After chastising the members of various guilds for missing their chance to be part of history by recognizing A Star Is Born, Penn enumerates the film’s achievements. It does not pander to “the politics of the day.” It does not dazzle “with the deceptions so many delight in.” It is not a “perishable trend-piece.” It is, in point of fact, “the achievement of one artist who had the courage to stand naked and jump from the edge of a vertical cliff, bringing his whole cast and crew with him, and simultaneously catch their fall. It’s a triumph.”

After gifting us with the image of a bearded Bradley Cooper base-jumping from a cliff, Penn then leaves us the reader with an equally evocative parting shot — that of Penn giving a toast while holding an anatomically correct Oscar, like the drunkest uncle at Ally and Jackson’s wedding, that he dedicates to Cooper, the forgotten man of awards season. “To spare myself potential disappointment, I’m raising a glass in advance to Bradley Cooper and A Star is Born. Surely a raised glass is as legitimate as a globe of gilded gold or a male statuette minus a penis (also gold gilded). God forbid it have balls this year!”

Sean Penn Wants to Give Bradley Cooper an Oscar With ‘Balls’