On the night of the waxing moon, three powerful witches come together. They’re not there to conjure the dead or bring plague and madness to the Earth. No, they’re there to warn a burgeoning fuckboy about his penchant for blonde influencers. Combined, their powers are formidable, even if their goal is some basic-ass shit that no one should have to deal with past the age of 16. The witches three — Sydney, Katie, and Demi — hold hands and turn their gaze to the sky:
“Hear now the words of the witches:
I call upon the ancient power.
Google Wifi your powers to we ladies three!
Show us who is here for the right reasons!
Show us when Colton jumps over that fence this season!”
With that, somewhere in an outdoor shower, Colton feels a shiver down his spine. Because he has been cursed by three women who wore full faces of make-up in the Vietnam heat and didn’t even smudge their mascara. They have more magic in them than any of us can ever know. Let’s get to it.
It’s hard to know exactly who’s on this show for the “right” reasons but the fact that the two women of color are so guileless as to believe that they’re going to be the final two together should be proof enough that they aren’t there to deceive anyone. So that leaves the content creators, former reality stars, and beauty queens … all women whose careers and brands would benefit from being Colton’s fiancé. I look forward to the new Sue Grafton novel, R for Right Reasons.
But before we can get to the mystery, there’s still this business of the interrupted rose ceremony. Nicole and Onyeka go home. Like … c’mon. The remaining women head to Vietnam for the next week of dates. Everyone’s hair and skin is looking a little frizzy and dewy. Colton starts the week with another Snapchat video on the beach and his anxiety levels are rising. The ladies all arrive at their hotel and lightly jog to their rooms. Then they all lean over a balcony and scream “GOOD MORNING, VIETNAM!” Because there is clearly nothing else to shout upon waking up in Vietnam.
The first date card for the week arrives and it’s for Hannah G. The three witches, Sydney, Demi, and Katie, are entering a deep and powerful enchanted meltdown as they see their chances for a one-on-one date slip away.
Colton and Hannah G. head off to a spa-themed date. They get wrapped up in big leaves and Colton tells her she looks like a sexy sushi roll and he wants to eat that sushi roll. He doesn’t get Sydney’s “whack my weeds” but he can make that innuendo? Colton spends the majority of the portion of his date with Hannah G. making out with her and lifting her up in the outdoor shower. Their date looked like the intro to a porn called “SneakySpa Hidden Cam Virginity Massage.” Hannah G. says if they have an overnight date, she will take advantage of it. That’s just a bizarre turn of phrase that sounds … too sexy.
On the evening portion of the date, Colton says his favorite part was “SHOWERING.” Colton decides it’s time to ask Hannah G. what is wrong with her and her answer is, “My parents are divorced.” I was about to write it off as her trying to pass off what is now a completely common childhood experience as her origin story, especially when she said the thing her dad valued the most was the lawn, but then she said her mom drove over the lawn to get her stuff. I need WAY more information, and preferably photos. Colton’s parents are also divorced (I don’t remember this being his emotional damage on Becca’s season. I guess his virginity made for a lot of character development) and he relates to Hannah G. She really opened up by telling a tame story of a seemingly typical childhood with the acceptable amount of hardship. She gets the one-on-one rose.
Colton also says that he’s falling in love with Hannah G. and this feels WAY early in the season for this.
It’s time for the group date. Cassie, Heather, Tayshia, Caelynn, Katie, Hannah B., Sydney, and Demi are ready; Demi, Sydney, and Katie stare into the middle distance before beginning full-body sobs, causing the lights to flicker and cats to make unnatural sounds. No one is happy and everyone is pissed, so what better group activity than vovinam, a Vietnamese fighting style. How many combat-based group dates are we going to suffer through this season?
The trouble with this date is the fighting is too real. The ladies are instructed to face each other down with regular-ass boxing gloves and just go after each other. They look like that GIF of those babies who are doing martial arts and just kick near each other, only with more hair extensions. Demi decides this is the best moment to channel her rage and just screams, “PUNCH ME IN MY FUCKING FACE.”
What. Is. Happening. Now.
When we look back on this season and wonder when we all stopped having fun, this was the moment. Colton decides to call it and says everyone should put their shoes back on. This is the saddest and weirdest moment of the season so far.
It’s time for the group-date cocktail party, and suddenly, a hero emerges. Sydney begins to realize that she’s not getting what she needs and maybe dating a guy who is simultaneously dating up to 30 women isn’t anyone’s love language. She sits down with him and tells him that she needs more and that maybe he isn’t giving their relationship everything he can. When he’s regularly rolling around in a bed with other blonde women, it’s easy to feel like you’re not getting enough attention. Colton cycles through everyone and the women of color tell him they’re feeling anxious. Hannah B. smiles at him with an unwavering gaze that’s absolutely terrifying. It’s the kind of smile that you’d see on a woman who just murdered her neighbor, put on all her jewelry, and went to American Girl Place to buy a doll to be her new best friend. Hannah B. also tells him that she’s not just cute and sexy. She’s going to wear his skin at some point. Demi decides that this moment is the ideal moment to show Colton that she’s soft and sensitive because she read in a Teen People magazine that men want women who support them and have no other interests or ambitions. She also decides that this is the best moment to call her mom, since her mom has been released from federal prison.
Demi is either a genius at playing this game or an impossibly dumb child. After watching this episode, I’m going to have to say it’s both. Demi tells her mom that she hopes she’s being a good girl and getting to introduce Colton to her over the phone is a memory she will cherish forever.
Sydney and Tayshia commiserate that they take this whole experience seriously while there are certain people who are taking this whole thing lightly. Cut to Demi chuckling to herself drinking a martini and Hannah B. napping in a pink jumpsuit. Sydney decides that she’s had enough and goes to fetch Colton from between Cassie’s thighs.
She sits down with Colton again and tells him that she still feels like he’s closed himself off to her and she needs to know if he can get there with her. She can see Colton getting to “that place” with other people and he can’t get there with her. Right now, Colton is more interested in making out with hot women in interesting locales than really getting to know them. There isn’t much to any of Colton’s relationships beyond “chemistry.” Even when he tries on sincere, it feels like he’s using lines from another season of The Bachelor or Bachelorette. Who tells someone they feel like home? Becca did when she was with Garrett. Sydney says she knows what she needs in a relationship and she’s leaving. I think … I would … die for Sydney? She is my new queen. When she’s on her way out, she says that Colton needs to find the wonderful women in that group and he shouldn’t’ get distracted by shiny objects. I’m not interested in referring to women as literal objects but I am interested in these women casting curses on Colton’s house. Colton tries to spin Sydney’s exit and Tayshia gets the group date rose as an act of overcorrection.
In another act of overcorrection, Kirpa gets a one-on-one date. This definitely feels like a date Colton felt he had to go on because Kirpa is a serious, thoughtful woman. I bet he thought he had to prove that he wasn’t just interested in the more playful women. Because he keeps saying “I know our relationship is moving slow but that’s fiiiiiiiiiiine!” The biggest thing she reveals is that she was engaged to someone she dated for EIGHT YEARS and he was also a virgin. She tells Colton that she feels comfortable with him since she already dated someone who was saving himself for marriage and Colton is like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. I’m not saving myself for marriage like some WEIRDO. I’m just saving myself until I decide not to be a virgin anymore. I just haven’t gotten around to it.” Kirpa gets the rose. She’s not long for this world but Colton feels like he’s picked someone who is READY TO BE ENGAGED.
After Kirpa comes home from her one-on-one date, Demi decides that her time is now. She gets all dolled up in her best cut-offs and nude lip and walks in the dark like a Stepford Robot to Colton’s hotel room. She has been rewarded for this type of behavior one too many times and this is NOT the week to try to rock the boat. You already had him call your mom as she tries to reacclimate to the outside, maybe just hang back until the rose ceremony, girl. Demi is incapable of hanging back or playing it cool so she decides to head to Colton’s hotel room to tell him that she’s falling in love with him. Oh, honey, noooooo.
Colton looks at a safe point on her forehead and calmly tells her that he really appreciates her saying that and she makes him feel really special but he’s just not feeling it. He just can’t see himself with her at the end of this. Demi heads out into the humid night and says that this feeling is the reason she hasn’t gotten into a relationship in a really long time. She’s 23. I need her 23-year-old ass to just relax. She’s still got time for her ill-advised first marriage and first divorce. Demi tells the girls that she’s leaving and that triggers the rose ceremony to not have a cocktail party.
Hannah B., Caelynn, Cassie, and Heather all get roses. Katie is the only one eliminated at this rose ceremony and Colton walks her out. He tries to overcompensate and use his jacket to shield her from the rain. She says, “Don’t worry about it.” LOVE THIS ENERGY. She tells him there was this growing disconnect between them and she knows she could give him what he needs. Colton tries to tell her how incredible she is and Katie looks into his soul and tells him, “You know who’s ready and who isn’t. Just be smart about these girls.”
A pox on his house. That’s now three witches who have warned him about someone or everyone’s intentions. Tayshia says the tea is brewing and she wants someone to spill it.
Toil and trouble,
JUMP THAT FENCE, BITCH.