The Real Housewives of Atlanta
When I was on the verge of tears during the “Previously on …” montage, I knew I was in for the most dramatic episode of Real Housewives in a while. This episode got me. This episode fucking got me. How dare these women make me FEEL THINGS. I’m fully invested in their lives and I just want the best for them. Which is really the sign of a truly amazing reality show. I don’t think I like most of these women and I don’t think I could spend a full day with them. But I am deeply involved with their emotional lives. I know these episodes were filmed months ago and edited for maximum emotional impact, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t full-on weep when Dennis got down on one knee and delivered the strangest proposal words of all time.
Let’s just start with the most emotionally impactful story line and work our way to the least. Up first is Porsha’s proposal. I bet you’re asking: Why isn’t NeNe’s story the most emotionally impactful? Listen, I have to follow my heart and my leaky eyes and I was shedding tears when Porsha realized she was getting proposed to. Porsha and Dennis head to a baby store to start picking out things for the baby. Neither of them have kids so everything is shiny and new and confusing. Dennis is positively perplexed by the concept of a nursing bra. Has he never wandered into the maternity section of Target when he was looking for a swimsuit? Porsha says that a good nursing bra will let you unleash the titty. Goddamn. Put that on a tote bag. Dennis is also unwilling to acknowledge that maybe Porsha’s titties are for something other than his amusement.
While they’re looking at strollers, Dennis points out that they’ll have to buy up to four strollers since they don’t live together. THEY DON’T LIVE TOGETHER?!? Porsha explains that they probably shouldn’t live in Dennis’s bachelor pad and she basically tells him to sell his place. Porsha is very good at telling him something that sounds like a suggestion but it’s totally not. She also says she doesn’t know what his proposal status and he says it could be in the next 24 hours, the next 72. He’s got people on it.
HE DEFINITELY HAS PEOPLE ON IT.
But before he can propose, Dennis and Porsha head to a go-kart track with Shamari and Ronnie. Can we talk about this motherfucker right here? I’m SICK of Ronnie. Dennis is talking to him about how he’s planning a big proposal for Porsha and how he feels like he’s been with Porsha for a long time even though their relationship is new. Ronnie replies that Shamari put tons of pressure on him and he was “kicking and screaming” for about three years. That is your partner of 17 years. Your whole thing is being “couple goals” and doing that damn shoulder thing. Your wife plucked a booger out of your nose during this very episode.
It’s time for the proposal. Lauren is filming Porsha getting ready and she’s talking about the charity event and how she wanted to stay home but Dennis looked really disappointed. She’s incredibly focused on getting a proposal but missing all the clues. Ladies, if he’s suddenly interested in you getting your nails done, he’s proposing.
Porsha and Dennis head off to their helicopter date and they’re just giggling. When they arrive, Porsha asks why there isn’t anyone else there. She’s so sweet. Dennis says they have to pick everyone up one helicopter at a time. These two are made for each other. They go inside and Dennis has arranged for photographers, rose petals, candles, and Lil Mo. When I saw it was Lil Mo, I fell out. This is the most specific engagement singer you could hire. Their song is a Lil Mo song and she sings a 13-minute version of it so they can slow dance and freak out. Dennis then gets down on one knee and says “Would you like to be Mrs. McKinley?” Bad proposal, Dennis. V. bad. Porsha says yes and they kiss and I ugly-cry alone in my robe.
The next most emotionally impactful story line is NeNe’s struggle with Gregg. Oh, NeNe. The most telling moment is when NeNe is driving Gregg to his latest surgery and she’s upset and she tells him she’s got stuff to worry about and he says, “What stuff?” What stuff?!? Most of it is your stuff, Gregg. You’re totally allowed to need a new relationship with your wife and you’re allowed to feel intense feelings about your diagnosis and treatment, but you’re definitely now allowed to ask your wife “What stuff?” NeNe explains that they were having problems before Gregg’s diagnosis and things haven’t gotten better. She invites Marlo and Cynthia over to talk about how hard it is and how she needs help but ignores their suggestions to hire a nurse or reach out to them for help. If the “next week on” is any indication, shit is about to get real.
Up next in the emotional roller coaster that was this episode is Kandi and Todd trying to decide if they’re going to use a surrogate to have two more kids.
Does Todd think he has to like … marry the surrogate in order for the baby to arrive? He’s weirdly hung up on if he has to hang out with her. He also keeps acting like surrogates are some crazy newfangled invention when they’ve been around since like the ’80s. Kandi starts explaining why they’d need a surrogate when they meet Shadina, the potential surrogate, and she breaks down into tears. In her confessional, she says “I’m fine” in a tone and a register that I’ve never heard from any human before. Someone hug her. Todd, do some research about what a surrogate is. I also should point out that one of Kandi’s concerns is that the surrogate might steal the baby … like in a movie.
Finally, we have Eva. Eva is hanging on by a thread. The fabric for her reception dress no longer exists on this human plane, so her plan to have three wedding dresses is no longer possible. But couldn’t she just wear her ceremony dress for the reception or wear her farewell dress as her reception dress? No. No, she could not. So she asks her friend and bridesmaid to find her several new dresses and try them on with her. The ones that fit won’t work. The ones that work don’t fit.
But her dress is not her only issue — she’s somehow almost a hundred people over her limit and the floral and catering cost is putting everything over the edge. Eva … maybe you don’t need almost 250 people and three wedding dresses. Maybe cutting back on literally any aspect would help with the cost and the stress. She’s very open about the fact that her grandfather’s death is weighing on her, but girl, cut out a dress. Her friend tells her to put together a list and she’ll figure it out. Eva collapses on the floor and her flop sweat is indistinguishable from her excessive highlighter. When she collects herself, she heads downstairs and makes herself a cocktail. She’s gonna need it for next week’s episode.