The worst part of this entire episode isn’t Lala’s shiny silver dress that looks like a smock worn at a two-star spa, or even Sandoval doing a Champagne spray wearing a fedora in an L.A. hotel room like he’s celebrating the 20th anniversary of the release of his favorite film Swingers. No. The worst part is something the gentlemen who write the score for this show came up with. “Super stars, super cars, we’re living, yes we’re living in Beverly Hills.”
Oh, that little earworm is going to stick with you for days. Just like the baby that shimmies to the Pump Rules theme song, try to keep yourself from dancing to this little musical interlude. I want this to be the new theme song. I want this to be remixed by DJ James Kennedy. I want this to be the song of the summer with a guest verse by Cardi B wearing an Ariana Grande ponytail and one of Kristen’s T-shirts that are sold exclusively at the Flip Flop Shop. This is the “Don’t Be Tardy” for the post-Trump world and it needs to be on Spotify right now.
The music cue for Kristen Doute this episode wouldn’t be a catchy tune, it would be a sad trombone played underwater that turns into the groaning of a dying seal. She’s just an absolute mess during the entirety of the girls’ trip to Solvang. The highlight of her messiness, of course, is when she tries to run from Katie, trips over a settee, and twists to the ground in a Tilt-O-Whirl of drunken limbs. I have never in my life seen a better illustration why a girl prone to messiness should wear a jumper, because the only thing keeping Kristen from flashing the camera is a small slip of fabric in between her legs.
That’s the culmination of the day’s messiness, which started last episode with eating lavender and getting lippy with the people giving them wine tastings. Speaking of which, what the hell was that wine tasting they went to in what was essentially a Spencer’s Gifts for rich people? They’re supposed to be in Solvang Wine Country and they’re trying out Cabernets in a retooled Sharper Image. Who organized this, Lala’s unpaid assistant?
While they’re there, Kristen finds out that DJ James Kennedy has got a gig at Lisa’s restaurant Pump, and she freaks out about it. She says she’s upset because Lisa gives James a million chances but is still pissed at her for something she did five years ago that got her fired. Why is Kristen getting mad about this? Kristen has the best gig on the whole show. She gets to be in the main cast but doesn’t have to pretend anymore that she works at SUR. Her, Stassi, and Schwartz are all sitting pretty collecting their TV money without having to debase themselves for tips at the EPCOT Center for Housewives fans that Lisa Vanderpump runs on a corner of Santa Monica Boulevard.
Regardless, Kristen barges out of the store without her phone and is just wandering around in the windmill graveyard that is Solvang. Finally a car drops her off at dinner. That couldn’t be an Uber because she didn’t have a phone. Was that a producer? Did she have to be rescued by someone filming the show and we didn’t even get to see the footage of that? I feel robbed. (Which was something Scheana said every episode last season. ZING!)
At dinner we forget about Kristen for a bit because all of the drama revolves around Scheana, whose hair looks like a hat made out of kale chips. Katie asks Scheana whether she’s sleeping with Adam, the fetch bartender she’s trying to make happen, and all of a sudden Scheana clams up about it. Just two episodes ago she was running around asking if people were talking about the two of them and wanting everyone to know that they’re banging. Now she’s all like, “That is too intimate a conversation to be having with Katie because she won’t come braid my hair.” Scheana is more exhausting than running a marathon wearing a backpack full of bricks and shoes made out of lead.
Finally, after dinner, the real crazy Kristen comes out after a text from Carter about something that we can’t figure out because she does that stumbling exit and drunken mumbling before we can reveal the truth. What does come out is that Kristen and Carter hate each other but are still together. The girls talk about this and Kristen has been insinuating it all season, but we’ve barely seen any of it. Why? Squabbling crazy people would be way more fun to watch than DJ James Kennedy crying about losing his job every week. This is what I want. This is what I need. Please give it to me. Love, Brian J. Moylan, president and founder of the Real Housewives Institute.
Katie tries to call Carter (on her Android phone like a carpool mom) to figure out what is going on, and this is when the girls’ weekend in Solvang finally connects to the parallel track of the boys’ night back in L.A. It is seemingly tame in comparison. Sandoval invites James to join them and not everyone is happy about it, but he’s trying to fit in. James, if anything, is the male version of Scheana on this show.
They also invite Peter, who is dangerously close to looking like an extra from the Pirates of the Caribbean show at Universal Studios again. Peter meets some girls while they’re at the bar and brings them back to their hotel room. Blah. Nothing too crazy here except that Sandoval is such a human fedora that he brings a “cocktail kit” with him whenever he travels so he can just whip up Moscow mules in a pinch. Seriously, dude. Can’t he just have a Smirnoff Ice and chill the fuck out?
When Peter heads off to one of the bedrooms with one of the girls, everyone else decides that they’re going to have a model walk-off in the room. What is this, a rainy day on Fire Island? None of them are even in heels. Not one of them even made an impromptu wig out of a coiled up towel. They weren’t even playing RuPaul’s “Cover Girl.” What kind of lame walk-off contest is this?
To make it even worse, Beau and Jax go out on the porch and call Brittany and Stassi and tell them that there are girls at the party and it is making them really uncomfortable. This is the dumbest thing they could have possibly done. Now all the girls are going to do is worry about what their men are up to back in Los Angeles. There is no way I would trust Jax in that room with some random skanks. What they should have done was just hang out with the girls, not do anything with them, and then tell their partners later. Either way they’re not going to believe them, but if that is the case, why even give them days to stew about it, just making it worse in their minds?
It’s not even the girls they need to worry about. After Peter made out with Dayna or Stephi or Pijayma or whatever her name was, he asked them all to leave. He then huddled James, Schwartz, and Sandoval into one of the two bedrooms in their suite at the Mondrian. They all disrobed and Tom and Tom put their heads together and started making “Om” sounds. James came over next to them and both Toms reached out a hand to let them into their embrace. Without breaking the magnetic hold of their lips, each of their hands found one of James’s solid, awaiting butt cheeks.
Peter, completely naked, went out to the balcony where Jax and Beau were still worrying about what their girls would think about the little ladies that had joined them earlier. They looked up to see Peter swinging toward them and they both smiled. “Hey guys,” Peter said. “We’re playing Sean Cody’s Tahoe Weekend Getaway in the bedroom if you want to join.” Jax’s shirt was over his head before he even got in the door. Beau, new to the group, flushed a little bit and stayed stunned in his seat. He looked confused by the game.
“It’s all cool,” Jax said. “It doesn’t count if it’s your guy friends. Also, for all the shit that comes out of it, James can do amazing things with his mouth.”