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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Catty and Dogs

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Fifty Shades of Shade
Season 9 Episode 6
Editor’s Rating *****

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Fifty Shades of Shade
Season 9 Episode 6
Editor’s Rating *****
Photo: Bravo

The nicest moments of this episode are the small laughs and intimacies Kyle Richards shares with Lisa Vanderpump. First it’s the two of them leaving a dinner where Denise Richards shared with the world that her future husband Aaron has an enormous penis. Now that’s out on the table. I wish that he had gotten up and actually slammed his proper appendage on the table and all of the plates and flatware jumped like there had just been a seismic event, or the Titanic just hit the iceberg. As Kyle and Lisa leave the restaurant, they’re clutching each other’s arms and cackling in shared delight over just how wasted and forthcoming Denise was the entire dinner.

We see them being partners in crime again in the back of Ken’s Bentley after they leave Camille’s 50th birthday party, which Kyle was physically unable to leave until she had done the splits. Kyle is as wasted as Denise was at dinner, and she’s screaming to Lisa in the back seat about how cute she is and how cute her vagina is even though she just dragged it on the floor of what seems to be a third-tier suburban country-club dining room. These are the moments I’m going to miss, because we know it’s only a matter of weeks before Lisa Vanderpump takes her toys and goes home, refusing to film with the women for the rest of the season.

The Lucy Lucy Apple Juicy Affair continues for week six when Erika goes to Dorit’s house, Surely Rented Manor, for a photo shoot for JMG magazine. At this point I am convinced that they are just making these publications up so they can have fake photo shoots. I loved that Erika was there, telling Dorit and model Barbie Blank (which is the most appropriate name for a model I have ever heard in my life) how to “be more pussy” and reminding them, “We’re selling ass, we are not selling cookies.” I even kind of liked Erika’s Something About Mary jizz bang. Sure it looked silly, but at least it was a reference.

The thing I couldn’t stand, though, was Dorit going on and on about how it feels so good to have a job again and be a working mother. Beverly Beach is barely a real company, which she has supposedly sold and is the subject of all sorts of lawsuits. Anyway, Dorit sits down with Erika and tells her about her lunch with Lisa and the textseses from Teddi. Now Dorit feels like two friends of hers colluded behind her back to make her look bad. Well, usually no one needs any help to make Dorit look bad, her blunt-cut ponytails do it on their own, but in this instance she is exactly right.

As all of the women seem to be taking sides of either Lisa or Dorit/Teddi, the only person with the absolute correct stance is St. Camille of Grammer, who is turning 50 years old. How are both Lisa Rinna and Camille over 50 and look that good? Lisar talks about finding all of her doctors and potions so that she can continue to look young, and whomever she found must be working. I’m a good ten years younger and Lisar looks like a goddess and I look like a half-melted Cookie Puss.

While Camille is talking to Lisar she says that she is mad at both Lisa and Dorit. Her claims against Dorit seem to be unsubstantiated, but Camille says that Dorit makes the hairs on the back of her neck stand up, like there is nothing real about her. Camille says what all of us at home are thinking: Dorit comes off as fake, her financial situation seems tenuous at best, and she just doesn’t trust her. When I heard that my eyes lit up and my brain made the sound of a pachinko machine paying out a jackpot.

In the most damning evidence in the episode, Camille says that she has been a victim both of Lisa Vanderpump’s “character assassination” and her scheming behind the scenes. She says that Lisa is the one who told her to bring up the allegations that Russell Armstrong was beating his wife Taylor way back in the tragic second season. There is even previously unseen footage of Camille confronting Lisa at her front door saying she brought that up because Lisa told her to and then Lisa threw her under the bus. I went back and rewatched the episode where Camille reveals that Taylor said her husband beat her and the clip we saw last night was not in it. That means that someone went all the way back to that raw footage to prove Camille is right. It seems even the editors have turned on LVP.

This is another link in the chain that is now shackling Lisa in this argument about Dorit and the stupid dog. What also doesn’t help is that Teddi has come clean about her involvement in the scandal at the prompting of her therapist, who meets her in public for walks in the park on camera while wearing ridiculous hats. Never trust a therapist in a hat.

Teddi is even willing to show her textseses, which she reads from her phone and we see a screenshot of on camera. I feel like textseses have even more power when they’re still in the phone, like printing them out in a font that Madonna could see without her readers somehow robs them of their potency. Teddi’s textseses seem to show that John Lizard was totally talking to Lisa, or at least talking to John Sassa who was talking to Lisa, about setting Dorit up. Lisa, meanwhile, claims that she had never talked to John Lizard before and had no idea any of this was going on.

It all comes to a head at Camille’s birthday party, which, shockingly, is not attended by her longtime friend and lover (at least in my head) D.D. The rest of the women are all there, and Kyle and Lisa roll up as Dorit, Teddi, and Erika are all talking about the textseses in front of the restaurant. Kyle and Lisa don’t want to get involved but soon everyone is rounded up into the conversation, including Denise, who would rather be rubbing her fiancé’s third leg through his dress pants than dealing with any of this bullshit.

Teddi gives a stellar performance, no longer giving a shit now that she has totally copped to her “cattiness” about setting up Dorit and the dog. Lisa says that she didn’t know that Teddi “was involved in the machinations of all of this” but then she also says “of course I knew you knew.” Both of those things can’t be true. As we established in the last episode, for Lisa to tell Dorit that Teddi knew about the dog, she had to know that Teddi was involved in the machinations. Everyone, including Kyle, believes that Lisa totally did this to stir up drama and now refuses to admit to it.

Teddi and Dorit both demand that Lisa admit her part in all of this, but she will never do that. She will take this to her grave. Finally Teddi says, “If you can live with yourself doing this then go for it. It’s been working for you for a long time,” which elicites an, “Oh shit,” reaction from just about everyone, but especially from Kyle.

“I’m fine with that,” Lisa says, either acknowledging that she was a part of it and won’t accept responsibility or just trying to brush Teddi off. Teddi says that then they will just coexist, but Lisa can’t accept that either. She wants to win. She needs to win. She has to come off as blameless as a cherub in the corner of a Michelangelo masterwork.

As everyone leaves the party and Kyle and Lisa have a last drunken romp in the back seat of the car, things look dire for Lisa Vanderpump. For the first time ever no one wants to be caught on her side, and it seems like her entire legacy on the show, even way back to the first seasons, is being called into question. The fight between her and Kyle must be looming, and it’s gonna be a doozy.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Catty and Dogs