We’re all taking a quick break from Cabaret rehearsals this week in order to get down to business. David and Stevie have some actual business. Alexis and Ted have some kinky business. And Johnny and Moira have some spa business. The most important of businesses. As much as I’m into the journey to Schitt’s Creek’s Cabaret, I don’t hate this pit stop.
Patrick’s off at a tax seminar — which sounds boring to us but you just know that guy was jazzed up about it — leaving David and Stevie to man the Rose Apothecary booth at the local flea market. Since they’ll be otherwise occupied, David begrudgingly asks Alexis to hang out at the store and wait for a package to arrive. I use the word begrudgingly because David has very little faith that his sister can handle any type of responsibility. This all goes back to a little incident from their childhood involving six murdered Tamagotchis. Listen, I get that David is traumatized from the incident — being a parent to a Tamagotchi was a big deal — but I also understand Alexis’s position: Six is a lot, and those little fuckers were hard to keep alive sometimes.
But David has no choice. Once he and Stevie arrive at the flea market, he has little time to worry about what his sister is murdering back at the store. Instead, he runs into his old boss from the Blouse Barn, Wendy, who is there to test out her new business idea “Wendy’s Marketplace.” It is a blatant ripoff of Rose Apothecary and comes from the mind of her business partner Antonio, who looks, dresses, and acts like a Bizarro World David. It is insane. I believe the phrase David uses is “What the actual fuck?!” Obviously, David will not stand for this. The fact that Wendy’s Marketplace sells the exact same products as he does but at a fraction of the price is an affront to his person.
Thankfully, there is some good news. Well, good news for David, terrible news for Wendy. After Roland purchases some foot cream from Wendy’s booth — he can’t quite figure out how David is in two places at once — David and Stevie discover that the whole thing is a scam. Antonio has just bought discount products and slapped labels on them to make them look locally sourced and high-end. He is a con artist. David, bless his heart, decides he needs to tell Wendy. She’s grateful that he stops her before really going into business with the guy — but doesn’t know how she’s going to break the news to her fiancé, Brad. The problem is that Brad is Antonio’s “roommate” and they really needed this money — they share a very small one bedroom in which they have to keep the mirror on the ceiling. Oh, this poor lady is being scammed on all fronts. David isn’t ready to get into that whole mess, but he does suggest that it might be “best to shut all that down.”
Poor David goes from one mess to another. He arrives back at the store to find Alexis and Ted and a broken sink in the brand-new bathroom. They tell him a story about the delivery man coming in, breaking the sink, and leaving without delivering the package … and yet still leaving a “sorry I missed you” note behind. We, of course, know that it was actually Ted and Alexis who broke the sink during one of their various “let’s hook up in the store because it’s a little risky” sessions. It involves role-playing, and Ted is just as bad at it as you would guess. Like, “My grandmother passed away this morning” levels of bad. The broken sink is a true mystery and a real headache for David, but luckily they just installed security cameras in the store. Alexis advises that he does not watch those. In the end, David’s angry with Alexis, sure, but mostly he’s just disappointed in Ted.
While the kids are dealing with drama in town, Johnny has decided that it’s time he and Moira get “reacquainted with [their] bodies” by taking a spa day. As most things in their life do, the plans go to shit pretty fast. Before they even make it to the spa, Johnny hits a cat in the middle of the road. It has a tag, so it clearly belongs to someone, and that farmhouse across the street with the cat windmill might be a good place to start.
Poor Moira and Johnny get sucked into, as Moira calls it, a “gothic horror show” as the husband and wife who own the farmhouse force them to apologize to Sergio the Cat’s owner, their daughter, Baby. Baby, as it turns out, is an adult woman who doesn’t care for Cabaret, but would take free tickets to that “kinky shoes” show. However, she will settle for a spa day, so Johnny and Moira end the day very much not getting reacquainted with their bodies. Watching Johnny and Moira squirm will never not be a delight.
The Wig Wall
• Moira tries to soften her and Johnny’s actions by explaining that it seemed as though the cat wanted to die. Sergio “stumbled out on the road, poor thing, presumably to end it all.” What a story!
• Okay, but what is “100 percent moist liquid?” Also, the fact that it smells like “pennies and burps” is so wildly specific and revealing.
• Stevie really needed a break from Cabaret and Moira in general. Apparently her director is prone to texting her at 3 a.m. with one-word messages like “leggings.”
• I enjoy that Alexis waves good-bye to David, who has just berated her about murdering Tamagotchis, making full use of her middle finger.
• Moira should write copy for spa brochures: “I promise to enjoy the 60 minutes I’ll spend having my deepest tissue palpated.”
• Dan Levy’s reading of “Well, isn’t that a compliment … for him.”
• “John, don’t get too close, dear. We can’t afford you contracting mange.”