“Have we secured the asset?”
A severe ABC Executive looks at a wall made up of screens. She takes a swig directly from a bottle of expensive scotch. “We’ve put a lot of money and time into the asset and I will not allow my show to end this way.” A meek production assistant comes through the door, trembling.
“You better have good fucking news.”
“I do. We do. Chris Harrison did a light jog and found him.”
“Thank god for that khaki-wearing idiot. Was the COLTON in one piece?”
“Yes, but we’ll have to … reprogram it. The COLTON might be on the verge of realizing that we actually don’t give a shit about him and are more interested in wringing tears out of him as we find a way to televise his virginity.”
“Has the FCC approved our request to air his deflowering on live TV?”
“Nothing yet. What do you want us to about the awakening?”
“Install the Fight for Her protocol.”
“Oh, and one more thing. Make his hair do something very stupid.”
Boy, oh boy. They really didn’t have enough footage for these last two episodes, did they? They’re trying to make a meal out of a single Cheez-It that fell on the floor. To start the episode with Host Chris doing a full montage about the entire season is INSULTING. Also, peep how they threw Hannah B. in there to make sure we’re ready for her inevitable ascendance to Bachelorette. Host Chris wants us to know that this will be the most dramatic and emotional finale in history, even though we all watched Becca’s heart be ripped from her chest in unedited, unlit footage. Host Chris also never wants us to forget that Colton’s virginity is still on the table, and even though he’s about to break up with two women and just got dumped, he could still fuck … the sea? Let’s get to it.
All of the producers shouting “COLTON!!” into the inky blackness made me think “Colton” would be a great name for a dog. Their puppy got out and they’re worried he’s going to nap in someone’s backyard. Once they find human Colton walking silently down the street in Algarve, a producer tries to pull him out of the street, but Colton doesn’t want them to touch him. Colton is big mad. Chris Harrison manages to catch up with him and Colton says he doesn’t have his phone so he has no idea where he’s going and he’s done. Host Chris’s big suggestion is to ride back to the hotel because it’s too far to walk. Chris, Colton sprinted to that spot three miles from the hotel and he hasn’t broken a sweat. He leapt over a fence in dress boots.
The next morning, Colton’s delusion has been fully downloaded and he says he’s a good judge of people and has a good gut instinct. Sir. Sir? You had no fewer than six women all telling you that Cassie wasn’t ready to get married, and she even told you herself, but you still kept her around until she broke your heart. But you’re a good judge of character? Colton says that his heart shut down once he fell in love with Cassie and it wasn’t fair to Tayshia and Hannah G. Guys, Hannah G. is still around. She’s just sitting in some hotel, journaling her little heart out.
Anyway, Chris asks the question that should be the most important thing here: What if Cassie just isn’t into you? Colton says that he knows that Cassie loves him and she’s just scared. He’s going to fight for her because she completes him.
Let’s just talk about this goddamn narrative. The idea that someone can reject you, tell you that they don’t want to be with you, but your response is that you’re going to completely disregard their wishes and “fight” for the relationship is fucking selfish. If Cassie wanted to be with you, she’d be with you. Now, we can debate exactly how much Cassie’s decisions are being made by her father despite her being an adult who has appeared on two reality TV shows, but you can’t just decide deep down in your very fallible gut that she’s wrong. That you know what’s best for her and what’s best for her is what you want. Let this episode be proof that men view their emotions as rational and their decisions as final but the emotions and desires of women as completely up for negotiation. Burn the patriarchy down.
Before Colton can run to the arms of a woman who does not want him, he must break up with the only two women in this whole charade who are in love with him. How is your greatest fear ending up with someone who isn’t ready for marriage and you’re about to eliminate the two people who have expressed directly to you that they want to marry you? I can barely joke about this ding-dong because every single decision he’s making is preposterous.
Up first is Tayshia. Colton heads to her hotel room and knocks on the door. Tayshia is excited to see Colton for approximately three seconds until she looks into Colton’s eyes. His speech is very bad. He says he can’t be in love with two people so he picks Cassie and that they deserve better. Tayshia realizes exactly what’s happening and asks to go inside away from the cameras. The camera crew scrambles to get out of sight but still be in range of her microphone.
When Tayshia and Colton are alone, he starts weeping and she apologizes?!?! Bitch, for what? She also spends the entire time asking him if he’s okay and telling him it’s fine. Nothing is fine. When Colton’s tears dry, Tayshia breaks down and repeats, “It’s okay. It’s okay” to herself as she gets her very Instagrammable straw purse.
Now it’s time to continue to emotionally torture Tayshia … er … I mean … put her in the hot seat to get closure. Host Chris says it’s rare to see someone who takes care of the person breaking up with them, and women all across the country throw their heads back in laughter.
Colton has impossibly dumb new hair, and as someone on Twitter pointed out, it’s the same dumb hair as Cassie’s dumb dad. I guess the only way to get her dad’s approval is to become the dad.
When Tayshia asks if he has any regrets about how it went down, he returns to his excuse of “I was feeling something so I said it.” You’re not 5. You can pick your words or create a moment that’s less hurtful, COLTON. You could also, I don’t know, apologize to Tayshia. Does he apologize to anyone? No, he just repeats that he gave his whole heart to Cassie so it’s okay, right?
Also, how did neither of these women say, “I fucking told you so” when they were face to face with Colton?
Up next, it’s time for Colton to crush Hannah G. She’s just blissfully journaling in her cute Reformation-inspired outfit about how excited she is to see Colton that she’s not even suspicious about why her hotel room has been lit and she’s been mic’ed up. She’s ready to spend the rest of her life with him. Oh, sweet Hannah G.
Colton arrives and sits down with her and delivers THE EXACT SAME SPEECH he gave Tayshia. How does this goober think it’s appropriate to say the exact same thing to both women when they’re on a television program? This is even more proof for my file that Colton is a robot who doesn’t actually have a single original thought in his head, plus he’s not very considerate, so he just copies and pastes his break-up speech.
The absolute WORST part about what he does with Hannah G. is he tells her he thought she was going to be at the end with him and that he doesn’t know if he’s making the right decision. FIGURE THAT OUT BEFORE YOU GO TALK TO HER. He tells her how she always made him feel better and secure and that she still reminds him of home. He tells her that he’s trying his best. Fuck off, dude.
My favorite part of this break-up is when Hannah G. says “I’m about to go home and I don’t even get to explore ……………………… (don’t say Portugual. Don’t say Portugal) …………………… us.” There’s a brief moment where Hannah G. looks completely done and when he holds her, she’s no longer into him at all. Fly free, Hannah G.
Colton says “I don’t know if I’m giving up a sure thing for something that’s impossible.”
Colton. You are. You are kind of an asshole right now, too.
Hannah G. sits down with Colton and she’s just hurt by how blindsided she was. She points out that he kept saying, “You remind me of home,” which is something I’d never heard before Becca said it about Garrett but also completely insensitive to say when you know you’re not going to end up with someone. Colton has this habit of saying what he thinks people will want to hear, instead of just being honest. He most likely wasn’t falling in love with all three women but he knew he had to say something, so why not just repeat what they’ve said back to him or go with the script this show gives you?
Before Colton comes out, Hannah G. says that she’s not in love with him anymore and two women in the audience try to start a round of applause. Hannah wants to know why Colton could give every other relationship a chance but not hers. GOOD QUESTION, HANNAH. She also wants to know if maybe they had her actual date, or had more time, he could have gotten there with her. The reality is if the fantasy suites had happened, he would have eliminated Tayshia and then it would have come down to Hannah and Cassie and Colton still would have picked Cassie because he seems hellbent on making the absolute worst decision.
The most likely explanation is that Colton isn’t ready for marriage, or a real relationship scares the crap out of him, so instead of picking one of the two women who are ready for marriage and are in love with him, he’ll pick the one who is willing to run away. So any pressure to be an adult in a grown-up relationship is gone. Perfect plan where no one gets hurt.
Hannah G. also calls him out and says that what Cassie did to him, he did to her. This is where the round of applause should have broken out. She says it was a slap in the face when he said he was thinking about Cassie on dates with other women. See? Incredibly inconsiderate and short-sighted.
Host Chris wraps this whole thing up by saying there are literally no women left and Colton is still a big ol’ virgin. He actually says “Not looking good for him to lose his virginity.” Goddamn, they wanted this dude to get laid so badly. Chris brings out Oatmeal, Blake, Jason, and ugh … Garrett to talk about something. They had two hours to fill and not a lot to fill it out.
Why not interview Becca? She’s actually been dumped on camera, knows Colton, and has been the lead of this show. She’s got the expertise. But no, they literally lose her in a crowd.
We get some quick shots of Colton working up the courage to show Cassie he’s willing to fight for her love, and Cassie packing her bag to go home. Host Chris asks, “What the likelihood of Colton losing his virginity? Find out tomorrow.” Sure.