The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Can you imagine being Shamari’s two regular friends when this entire party went promptly to hell? “Just come to the party. It’ll be fun. NeNe’s always got some good food and you’ll be on TV. Would you drive? Would you also pack an extra outfit for me?” Either Shamari knows herself well enough to know she’d need another outfit, or her friends know her well enough to pack another outfit. That is who Shamari is — she’s the type of woman who needs an extra outfit when she’s going out drinking.
But this isn’t about Shamari. Even though she laid waste to the party in her own way. This is about NeNe. Oh, NeNe.
She should have taken this year off. It’s hard for me to say, and I’m sure even harder for NeNe to even begin to think about, but my God, this woman is really going through it. Everything in her life is just letting her down. In addition to being bad at asking for help, she’s even worse at accepting it. NeNe wants to lecture her friends about how she needs help and then do no other steps. Maybe she doesn’t know how to do anything else but god damn, it’s clearly freaking everyone out, including NeNe.
PLUS — Bravo has been teasing this fight at NeNe’s house, and it turned out to be about her closet?! Who is that shaken up about their closet? Let’s all speculate wildly about what could be in her closet. Drugs. Guns. A portrait of herself that’s getting older. Continue speculating in the comments. Also, you know when Bravo starts having fun with on-screen graphics that we’re about to get an episode. Let’s get to it.
The episode starts with Kandi auditioning dancers for her Welcome to the Dungeon show. When is this thing opening? I would like an entire episode devoted to the tech rehearsal of Welcome to the Dungeon. There are over 65 people waiting to audition, and that doesn’t sound like a big number. After they see all 65 people, DonJuan brings in one extra dancer: Cynthia. Cynthia has arrived in lingerie and she’s brought her own whip. She wants to represent the over-50 crowd by awkwardly dancing and letting Kandi touch her booty. There is a simmering homoeroticism between the women that’s always under the surface. I’m both confused and thrilled by it.
NeNe is dealing with Gregg being re-admitted to the hospital because he had a blood clot in his leg after surgery so the only way to deal with those complicated feelings is to throw a BYE WIG PARTY.
THESE. THEMES. Who is helping NeNe come up with these themes? Or is the problem that no one is helping NeNe with these themes and she’s just throwing them out there with no one to give her feedback. To gain attendance to this party, you must show up with your natural hair. As a person with natural hair who has never regularly worn wigs or weaves, this party still felt like an attack. And for someone like NeNe, whose natural hair is still … stiff, that party theme is a choice.
NeNe sits down with Yovanna at Swagg Boutique. NeNe is really trying to make us like her friends. I don’t want to be friends with your friends. I have never been excited to meet a woman that visits my friend’s job. That’s who Yovanna is.
Before we get into the real mess of the Bye Wig party, we’ve got to check in with the mess that is Eva. Eva is constantly walking around without a bra, drinking a full glass of alcohol, stressing out about not having a reception dress. She’s our modern-day Betty Draper. She manages to pull her head out of the freezer long enough to meet with her wedding planner, who informs her that she has an extra 85 guests that she neither planned nor budgeted for. So she’s $50,000 over budget. I’M SORRY WHAT. Tell your third cousins to stay home. Also, Mike has to live within the city limits in order to run for mayor again, so they’re also moving now, which means any down payment that could be spent on a new house has been spent on some medium-delicious chicken for 85 distant friends.
It’s time for the Bye Wig party, and everyone’s natural hair pretty much falls into one of two camps: deliberate and coiffed curly hair and “Lemme just bump those ends.” Marlo and Porsha arrive late because they had to get their ends bumped. If you’ve never had your ends bumped, this party is not for you and you are a visitor. Cynthia took another route and the one I take most often when I do not have time to get my hair in order: two lil buns. I’m #TeamLilBuns.
After an evaluation and a track check, it’s time to sit down for the meal. Did anyone notice that Shamari’s two regular-ass friends didn’t sit at the table? Porsha arrives and she begins posing her hand very conspicuously to show off her new ring. Everyone is happy and excited, but that doesn’t last long.
NeNe uses Porsha’s arrival to lecture her and Marlo about promptness. NeNe is able to button every criticism of another person by going “My husband is in the hospital.” Don’t tell Marlo that. She knows! Gregg was texting her and asking her to come help you.
The story is a little hard to decipher here but NeNe is furious at Marlo for being a little harsh with her when Marlo raced over to take care of NeNe. Gregg decided to text Cynthia and Marlo and say that NeNe was in a bad way so Marlo rushed over and NeNe went out shopping. Everyone is mad at somebody and they don’t exactly know why because they’re mad. Both of them have a point, but for some reason I’m #TeamMarlo on this one. I fully acknowledge that I am a monster, but there has to be room for Marlo’s feelings. Plus, this doesn’t seem to be about Marlo. That becomes very clear when NeNe completely bursts into tears and everyone arranges themselves around her like a Renaissance painting. I would like to hang an oil painting of this moment over my bed. After a moment, they realize that they’re just fighting in circles and the most important thing is their friendship. GIVE. MARLO. A. PEACH. You don’t get that kind of emotional drama out of a friend of the show.
While NeNe and Marlo head upstairs to collect themselves, Shamari takes over. She has been drinking. She has been trying to bite Eva’s nipples, figure out how to pronounce Yovanna’s name, and declare herself a citizen of Ho-kanda. Shamari slips away while everyone is chatting about if NeNe is going to come back downstairs. We all know that slip away. I threw a party in college and a guy quietly went to the bathroom. We all asked where he was too and when we went to find him, he had covered my entire bathroom in vomit. This move will be called a Shamari from now on. The ladies run to help her and she repays them with vomiting on Eva’s shoes. This causes a vomit chain reaction where Eva starts to vomit in the sink and Porsha runs to the other bathroom to vomit.
WHAT. IS. HAPPENING. It’s only 8:27.
Eva heads upstairs to get an outfit from NeNe to wear home. I guess she should have brought a drunk outfit like Shamari. Kandi and Porsha head upstairs to say goodnight to NeNe and that’s when it all goes sideways. How is this the part when it goes sideways?
Kandi decides to take advantage of the moment to see into NeNe’s closet. Porsha and Kandi go into NeNe’s closet and this sets NeNe OFF. I don’t understand because my parents just moved and my mom showed my boyfriend the inside of every single closet and drawer in their house. I think what really sets NeNe off is the camera guy decides to go into the closet to follow them up. NeNe jumps up and starts screaming “I WILL FUCK YOU UP” as she rips his shirt off him. She starts to throw every single camera man around. Porsha whimpers “Take my mic off. I don’t wanna be here no more. I’m scared” which is the line of the episode.
To be continued … ?