The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Did you ever think we would see a day, in this season in particular, without Ms. NeNe Leakes? Everyone was certainly trying their absolute best, but NeNe’s absence was definitely felt. That blonde wig looms large. Even in an episode where they put on a show, we needed more to resolve Closetgate, we needed to know what was going on with the belt, and we need any and all footage from the rest of that night. You can tell that the Bravo editors really enjoy when they can play with the footage. Someone had a lot of fun putting together that “previously on” montage. Let’s get to it.
You know things have turned all the way around when Porsha, Kandi, and Marlo are getting together for lunch. Seeing Porsha sit down with Kandi made me lose my mind. It was like watching some kind of weird Suicide Squad. Also, Porsha has continued to shop at whatever boutique specializes in only bodycon dresses with multiple accent belts. I already plan to wear only caftans for any future pregnancy, so I admire her commitment to the sexiness. She has bruises on her arm and Kandi thinks it’s from NeNe, but she was really just getting her blood drawn. When it comes to completely inorganic conversation starters on this show, this one is pretty good. Marlo arrives and she says she needed two days to herself. Porsha also says that NeNe must have clicked in another personality by now. While Porsha, Kandi, and Marlo talk about NeNe, Shamari heads over to Eva’s house.
Oh, Shamari. Oh, Eva. These two messy tragedies make a lot of sense together. Shamari wants to apologize for puking on Eva’s shoes and dress. (It might just be because I’m an Amazon fanatic, but I think Eva’s dress was a $25 Amazon purchase. If it wasn’t, wherever it’s from has been ripped off by a sketchy Amazon retailer.) Tanya also shows up and is overly cheery and tries to spin Shamari puking on everyone’s outfits as a bonding moment. Someone in college puked all over my bathroom and I do not see that dude as my brother. Shamari also doesn’t remember grabbing on anyone’s titties or crotch.
Both groups start to recap the NeNe Closet explosion. Porsha says she’s never felt that kind of anxiety or fear because now she’s pregnant and she’s mostly shocked that NeNe put her hands on the crew. Apparently, NeNe took Porsha’s belt off and something happened. WHAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED?!? Did NeNe spank Porsha with her own belt? Porsha wanted to wait to check in with NeNe after conferring with Kandi, but Kandi already texted NeNe. Porsha is not pleased about that. Porsha also isn’t pleased that NeNe used to lecture her constantly about fighting and look at NeNe now.
The lunch ends with Porsha saying a bunch of birds on the ground fighting are like them at the party. They always find a way to laugh together and that’s admirable.
The main thrust of the episode (pun intended) is the preparation for Kandi’s Welcome to the Dungeon party. It’s part party and part performance. We take a few detours to commiserate with Eva and her wedding that is 100 guests and $50,000 over budget. My God. Why does she need a reception dress? If you’re looking for places to cut back, maybe buying a second ballgown is an easy way to save a few thousand dollars.
To get ready for the wedding, Eva and Cynthia go get colonics with one of Eva’s seven bridesmaids. Are we still getting colonics? Is this a thing? Do you really have to answer if you want to put the tube in yourself? Plus there’s like a saddle?! Cynthia FaceTimes with her boyfriend while she’s letting the colonic do its magic, and that is a level of relationship closeness I’m not eager to achieve.
Shamari is upset that Ronnie won’t be able to make the Dungeon Party but he’s going to come to the rehearsal. Once he hears about her throwing up on everyone’s shoes, he decides he’s going to lecture Shamari about her drinking. He says that when she’s drinking that can lead to them fucking around with other people and that leads to separation. OKAY, SIR. Weren’t you the one who, like, banged ten people when you two had an open marriage? His tone sounds more than a little threatening, and it all comes down to Shamari sort of apologizing for embarrassing the family? I really, really do not like this dude. He’s a particularly terrible Housewives husband in a long line of garbage ones.
Meanwhile, Porsha is busy planning her gender-reveal party, which involves a marching band — when the dancers pull off their tear-away pants, their shorts will be either blue or pink. Also, there will be multiple confetti cannons. She decides to invite everyone, despite any weirdness, and see where the dust settles before Eva’s wedding.
After a rehearsal where Cynthia’s boyfriend and Ronnie watch Cynthia, Eva, and Kandi debate making out onstage, it’s the day of the Dungeon Party! It’s four hours until the performance starts and Kandi is freaking out. They haven’t done a full run-through and Shamari has completely lost her voice. Bitch, are you serious? Kandi jokes that Shamari can be singing all the damn time but when it’s time for an actual performance, she’s whispering her way through the day. The most she can give is a harsh hum.
My favorite moment is when Kandi is talking to the choreographer with DonJuan and she’s freaking out about running the show in full. The choreographer says “We don’t have to run the show” and DonJuan says “We should run the show” and the choreographer says “I know, we should run the show.” I do not have faith in this man’s abilities.
Eva isn’t going to make it because she’s getting ready for her wedding and NeNe went down to Miami and Porsha is pregnant so she can’t stay out too late, but Tanya, Yovanna, and Shamea all show up for the party in some wigs. Bravo also keeps slapping EXPLICIT over photos of the event because it’s too sexy. It’s time for Kandi and Shamari to share the stage, and Shamari lip syncs for the performance.
Now it’s time for Cynthia’s appearance. She comes on stage and Kandi kneels between her legs and asks her to repeat dirty things. In the audience, Tanya goes “this is hilarious,” and she’s saying it in that way when a sex scene happens in a movie when you’re with your friends and you’re turned on but everyone else is laughing about it. Y’know. That thing. Kandi says that Cynthia is too innocent, otherwise she would have pushed her further. FURTHER?
After the show, Marlo tells Shamari that she drinks too much, and Shamari has to do an interpretive dance to clapback. Tanya defends her by saying that Shamari is a mother of two and therefore, she needs to party.
After the show, Kandi says she’s finally reclaimed “dungeon” after the Porsha drama. Sure. Sure, Kandi.
Next week is Eva’s wedding and I cannot wait because, much like Marie Kondo, I love mess.