vulture lists

All the Game of Thrones Characters Who Should Bone Before Everybody Dies

J + D? Photo: HBO

On Sunday, the heroes on Game of Thrones will likely fight for their lives; a lot of people will die. In episode two, “A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms,” all the characters try to live their best night, believing it will be their last. Sansa and Theon eat a Bowl O’ Brown, Jon Snow gives Daenerys bad news, and Tyrion rallies a group of former enemies to get drunk and sing by a fireplace.

But Arya Stark has the best idea: She does sex with Gendry. Because this scene gave Arya control, it worked well. And unlike most of the sex scenes on this program, it was intimate, and meaningful, and did not in any way involve Littlefinger delivering an expositional monologue with boobs, butt, vag, and more in the background.

There are plenty of other characters that should bone before everyone dies, from the expected pairings like Jaime and Brienne (duh, this needs to happen) to the unexpected, like Daenerys Targaryen and Jorah Mormont (I’m rooting for them after all this time). Here are the Game of Thrones characters who should do it before everyone dies, along with how it should happen.

Jaime Lannister and Brienne (plus Tormund)

Photo: HBO

Jaime and Brienne will do sex. They have to! They are in love. Game of Thrones is not complete until this happens. While fighting wights and White Walkers, Jaime stares longingly at Brienne, who is kicking ass. She’s killing wights like it is her job, because it is her job, and she just got a promotion. This turns Jaime on. He politely asks if he can pull her in for a kiss, and she’s like, “What? I’m working.” But he says, “The dead don’t know love.” SO they make out passionately, unbothered by their enemies. Jaime asks Samwell Tarly, the smartest person nearby, to marry them in the Light of the Seven. He does, though he’s unsure if he’s allowed to do this. This is reminiscent of the scene in which Elizabeth Swann and Will Turner get married amid a battle in Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, except no one is cursed by the sea, and in this scenario, Tormund Giantsbane sweeps in to make it a threesome. Jaime and Brienne are shocked at how much they enjoy this, but agree to never discuss it again. They go back to fighting, and neither of them die.

Davos Seaworth and his wife (he has one!)

Photo: HBO

The Immortal Onion Knight who will never die deserves some nice, sexy times before he does not die! As Winterfell’s caterer, Davos routinely scoops a ladle into a pot and gives every hungry person his signature Bowl O’ Brown. But his routine is broken when he hears a familiar voice. “Davos,” the voice says, “it’s me, the wife you have who is alive but has never appeared until now.” Davos gets some guy to take over Bowl O’ Brown duty, then has a private, intimate reunion with Marya Seaworth, who loves him so much that she’s not even mad he abandoned her for years to serve Stannis Baratheon and then some other guy called Jon Snow.

Sansa Stark and Tyrion Lannister

Photo: HBO

Sansa has grown — in age and mind — since she was forced to marry Tyrion Lannister in King’s Landing all the way back in season three. Remember when that happened?! Yikes. Sansa is a woman now, and her horrific journey throughout the series taught her that Tyrion is a good man. So here’s what’ll happen: Sansa and Tyrion spend a majority of the Battle of Winterfell in the crypts. Sansa, who has finally realized that Peter Dinklage is very hot, takes Tyrion deep into the crypts where they’re all alone. Sansa tells Tyrion to take his own pants off, inspired by what her sister Arya told her she did with Gendry. “You’re hot and this union is good for me, politically,” Sansa says. Tyrion says: “There is no man worthy of Sansa Stark in all of Westeros.” Sansa agrees, but she also reminds him that he’s very hot, so they do it real quick. From the grave, Tywin Lannister screams because he’s mad that the match he once made to ruin his son’s life actually worked out in the long run. But no one hears him, because he is dead.

Cersei Lannister and Harry Strickland

Photo: HBO

Cersei’s night with Euron Greyjoy was probably a disaster, since the Queen of the Seven kingdoms (sort of?) did not allow it to end with a sleepover. But Cersei’s in the mood. One evening, Harry Strickland, leader of the Golden Company, finds more purpose on the show when he enters Cersei’s bedchamber to apologize for not bringing elephants to Westeros. He explains that given the time constraints, budget, and weight capacity of the Golden Company’s ships, he couldn’t make it work. Elephants are heavy! Cersei ignores him, and bluntly asks if he’s better at sex than Euron Greyjoy. Strickland says that Euron told everyone in the Golden Company that Cersei likes a finger in her bum. Cersei takes a sip of wine, grins, and tells The Mountain to get out of her room. It gets weird, because Harry keeps shouting, “I’M SORRY! I’M SORRY ABOUT THE ELEPHANTS!” This annoys Cersei, so she immediately plans a way she can kill him while keeping the Golden Company on her side.

Daenerys and Jorah

Photo: HBO

Moments before the Battle of Winterfell, Jon Snow tells Daenerys Targaryen that he is her nephew and therefore has a better claim to the Iron Throne, which she’s been fighting for her entire life. She is upset, scared, but also horny. And while the nephew thing doesn’t bother her at all because incest is Targaryen tradition, Daenerys is mad at Jon Snow and doesn’t want to look at him, let alone touch him. She rides Drogon onto the the battlefield and picks up Ser Jorah Mormont, who she just realized has been really hot this whole time. She brings him to her bedchamber, and they do it on a bear skin rug. Jorah of Bear Island thinks this is a dream. But it is very real, especially to the folks in the crypts who can hear his continuous cries of “Khaleesi!!!!!” from all the way down there. Daenerys delivers Jorah back to the battlefield, where he fights more confidently than he has in his life. He slaughters hundreds of wights and White Walkers and dies heroically, happy, and in love.

Beric Dondarrion and The Hound

Photo: HBO

Beric and The Hound aren’t a conventional couple, but trust me: It makes sense. After Arya Stark leaves the “two old shits” to drink alone together the night before battle, Beric goes on and on, once again, about the Lord of Light. He looks sexy, because of the eye patch, and because of his voice. Sandor Clegane thinks this, but keeps it to himself. “The Lord of Light has brought us together even though I tried to execute you in season three. This is his moment,” Beric says for the 15th time that day. Instead of telling Beric Dondarrion to shut his mouth, Sandor Clegane kisses him on the mouth. They’re both into this, and do it like it is their last night in this world — because for Beric, it probably is.

Yara Greyjoy and Ellaria Sand

Photo: HBO

Back in season seven of Game of Thrones, Yara Greyjoy and Ellaria Sand almost have sex on a boat, but they’re cut off by Euron Greyjoy’s attack. Cersei gets Ellaria locked away in a dungeon, forced to eat while she watches her daughter, Tyene, rot. But: Guided by some kind of sex sense, Yara sails for King’s Landing, sneaks into the Red Keep, and saves Ellaria. They pick up right where they left off: doing sex on a ship in the Narrow Sea.

Dolorous Edd and Melisandre

Photo: HBO

Dolorous Edd won’t be a sad virgin anymore! By the end of the Battle of Winterfell, Edd will be a Lover of Ladies, just like his brother of the Night’s Watch, Samwell Tarly. Before battle, Melisandre discreetly returns to the North because she’s a sneaky, sexy lady who burned a child. While Edd gets in position to defend Winterfell, Old Mellie uses her ancient charms to seduce him. Edd’s like, “Listen, you’re scary and I’m into this, but I have a war to fight.” Old Mellie says, “This is your destiny, Dolorous Edd.” They have sex repeatedly, until Old Mellie has given birth to 100,000 shadow babies. The Battle of Winterfell is won by an army of shadow babies with the face of Dolorous Edd. Then Davos kills Melisandre, and everyone is chill about it.

Qyburn and The Mountain

Photo: HBO

Qyburn is into dead things. Remember how fondly he looked at the wight hand in season seven? He’s got a fetish, and it’s dead people. Qyburn and his on true love, The Mountain zombie, show their fondness for one another in Qyburn’s laboratory in the Red Keep. Sadly, Qyburn’s own experiment is the death of him: The Mountain zombie is so strong that this kills him. But this is what Qyburn wanted all along. It’s a classic “Frankenstein bangs his monster and it kills him” tale. Cersei finds his body, and the only reason she is mad is because she had plans to kill Qyburn herself: He knew too much!

All the Game of Thrones Characters Who Should Bone Soon