The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
This week on our favorite television show Rich Women Doing Things, the rich women do things. They take their kindergarten-aged daughters to be models at a photo shoot for JonBenét, a line of makeup for little girls. They plan a trip in an RV that absolutely no one wants to go on. But mostly they spend their time reliving their youth in the clubs of New York and the clubs of MTV, when they go to see Boy George and Billy Idol perform in concert. They all sing the same songs, but no one has the exact same face.
Dorit invites all of the women to see her good friend Boy George’s concert at the Greek Theater and a good time is had by all. They are all even dressed well, except for Kyle’s navy blue felt fedora, which is the evil stepsister of the maroon felt fedora she wore when she was getting cussed out by Lisa and Ken. Before the show they go backstage and hang out with George, who brings in Billy Idol, who is just there hanging out. Do you think all ’80s rock musicians are friends? Do you think they went and had lunch the next day with Cyndi Lauper and Terri Nun from Berlin? Could this be a reality show?
During the concert all of the women get a little bit lit and “Margarita Kyle” comes out. Margarita Kyle is a little bit like Tequila Katie from Vanderpump Rules, except Margarita Kyle has fewer needs, more lime juice, and a propensity to do the splits whether or not people want her to. As they’re twerking about to “I’ll Tumble 4 Ya,” St. Camille of Grammer, her halo a bit tarnished after last week’s political skirmish, says to Lisa Rinna, “Everyone’s getting along so well.” Lisar replies, “When is the other shoe going to drop?”
Little do they know that Dorit’s husband PK, a taxidermy ferret infested with maggots, is dangling the other shoe by his pudgy finger. As everyone is joking around backstage after the show, he says to Kyle, “Maybe you have issues. You’re not even talking to your best friend.” A groan rumbles through the room like the hostess at an Olive Garden just told the entire restaurant that they’ve run out of breadsticks.
Kyle immediately turns sour because she does not think it’s funny. Both Dorit and PK, a Scotch Egg covered in pubic hair instead of breadcrumbs, say that it’s his “British humour,” which is the lame excuse he and Lisa both use when they take the piss out of someone and no one laughs. The problem with this joke is that it isn’t funny at all, and also something everyone is currently sensitive about. Dorit and her man are so sensitive about it that PK, an open-air urinal in Soho on the day of England’s World Cup defeat, is talking to Ken to try to get him and Lisa to forgive them.
Kyle says that Dorit is in the same boat as she is, so it’s not really that much of a joke. She also thinks that Dorit and her husband are trying to throw her under the bus to get back in Lisa and Ken’s good graces. It doesn’t help that Margarita Kyle seems to be behind the wheel of this particular luxury go-kart, and the whole thing devolves into a mess as the women wait on the curb to go home because their party bus driver seems to have been detained by the producers until this thing comes to blows.
Dorit comes outside and tells Kyle that what PK said was stupid, she admits, but that it doesn’t come from a bad place and Kyle should forgive him. I never like to say this, but Dorit is right. It’s all just a stupid misunderstanding. Somehow, as these things do on Real Housewives shows, this fight turns into three separate fights. Suddenly Teddi is interjecting and Dorit is screaming at her that she, “just wants to talk to Kyle for five seconds.” Then Teddi’s mad that Dorit yells at her whenever there is tension. Then Camille is mad at Teddi for always having a big mouth. Then the party bus driver is mad that he’s going to have to listen to screaming all the way home and that he hadn’t even finished his Subway tuna melt when they all screamed at him that it was time to go. I mean, it is just a spiral of recriminations.
The only people to miss all of this are Erika, because she left early, and Denise, because she stayed at home to be with her family instead of going to the concert. I love Denise, and I am about to tell you all the reasons why, but this is the one thing I don’t like about her: She doesn’t seem here for it, and by “it” I mean the show. Sure, I love watching her and Aaron sit around the house, particularly when he is in states of undress, but she needs to mix it up with the other women if she wants to be a good Real Housewife. She needs to be at that concert adding to the fight, not sitting at home talking about how Charlie Sheen can’t pay his child support.
When she talks about it, though, that’s when I love her. I love when she says she could have taken half of Charlie’s money but she didn’t because she’s “not a greedy fucking whore.” Then, in the next breath she says Charlie should have given it to her because she would have held onto it for him so he couldn’t spend it. What’s amazing about that is that he totally should have, because Denise would have done just that. Charlie, her awful ex, could have come back at any time and Denise would have just had it wisely invested for him and making money. She’s like a stealthy Suze Ormond.
My favorite scene of the evening was when Denise and Aaron go to the gym together. First of all, we learn that their daily routine is to wake up, have sex, and then go to the gym together. Every day. Every day! I would go to the gym every day if I got to have sex every morning. I’m lucky if I get it twice a week and that’s on the week of my birthday. Denise gets it every day that ends in Y and she has a house full of teenage daughters. What am I doing wrong?
Even better is when they start working out and Aaron is lifting tons of weight and getting sweaty (yum) and short of breath (amazing) and really into the workout (schwing). Denise is, like, lifting three-pound weights and complaining the whole time. She’s not even “glistening.” She’s texting with the kids and having a good time and Aaron is at “Diamonds Malibu Gym” trying to get ready to play The Mountain in the Game of Thrones prequel show. Denise is not just a mood; Denise is a lifestyle.
Denise doesn’t really see any of the ladies this episode, but she does go out to lunch with Lisa Vanderpump, and this gives me hope for Denise’s future with the franchise. She listens to Lisa’s side of the story about whatever went on. She’s calm and understanding, but she always stands her ground. She reiterates to Lisa that the other women love her and care about her and she should at least open up the doors of communication with them to get the matter settled. Lisa doesn’t take the bait — she is far too into controlling her own narrative to do that — but she does seem to enjoy having a sympathetic ear.
The key moment, though, is when they’re about to leave and Lisa says, “I don’t want you to have to worry about defending me,” and Denise immediately says, looking across the table with the Malibu sun shining in her eyes, “Oh, I’m not defending you.” Game. Set. Match. Denise is the once and forever victor. That is what makes Denise so refreshing on this show. She’s letting Lisa know that just because she’ll listen to her, that doesn’t mean she’s going to be her patsy. She’s showing Lisa she can be understanding and empathetic while completely disagreeing with how she sees both this situation and the world. I think the world could use a little bit more Denise Richards right now.