After a year hiatus, Samantha Bee was nice enough to revive her aptly named Not the White House Correspondents’ Dinner to bring some roasted cheer to all, especially since that other dinner going on was completely devoid of any comedic entertainment. (Still, the headliner got some solid Trump burns in. Good for him.) Special guests aside, Bee allotted herself five minutes to roast as many people in the Trump administration as she possibly could, devoting most of her time to, surprise, our POTUS himself.
“Donald, I’m going to roast you as if you were here. I’ve thought, What would I say if I were ever in the same room as you? I mean, after, ‘Hey, let go, I’m not a bowling ball!’ It’s funny because he’s a sexual assaulter,” Bee began. “There are so many things you could say about this president: That’s he vicious, vindictive, stupid, unattractive, unloved, and will die alone, but what can we say that Melania hasn’t already said?” She continued:
I want to focus on what a fucking coward he is. Imagine being the most powerful man in the world and you can’t listen to a comedian razz you for five minutes? Barack Obama did it, George G. Bush did it. You know who else has been roasted? Justin fucking Bieber. Justin Bieber is braver than you and he once let a monkey go to jail for him. Here are some people that are braving than you: Christine Blasey Ford. 23 women who said you sexually assaulted or harassed them. The undocumented immigrants who worked at Mar-a-Lago and spoke out about you. Trump is a classic bully. So he loves to push people around, but he’s too insecure to handle even the slightest ridicule.
Bee also took care to avoid criticizing the appearance of press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, in fear of what transpired at last year’s dinner:
Sarah Huckabee Sanders’s looks are the best thing about her. She has shiny hair, pretty eyes, and a lovely complexion. On the inside: hideous as a pinworm on the anus. On the inside: That woman is 90 percent taint, and I mean that medically.
That’s an crucial PSA, folks. Please periodically check your organs for taint.