Schitt’s Creek Recap: A Bashful Clam and a Backpack of Cheese

Schitt’s Creek

The Hike
Season 5 Episode 13
Editor’s Rating 5 stars

Schitt’s Creek

The Hike
Season 5 Episode 13
Editor’s Rating 5 stars
Photo: Ian Watson/Pop

When did you figure it out? When did you realize something truly special was about to happen? I had my first inkling after Patrick reacted so strongly to David’s incessant complaining about walking too far just to eat some cheese. Patrick gets annoyed with David sometimes, but he never gets that upset. Not our Patrick. This hike felt like more than a hike. Then David pulled a bottle of Champagne from Patrick’s backpack and I started to preemptively tear up. Did you? You must have, because, guys, David and Patrick are engaged. I’m still screaming. Once it was announced that next season would be the final season of Schitt’s Creek, you must have known we’d be getting something like this. Not to bless us with at least one Schitt’s Creek wedding before this thing wraps up would be a crime. Moira Rose redefining mother-of-the-bride fashion is reason enough.

But before David and Patrick get to the lovey stuff, they must hike.

Patrick has planned a romantic picnic, and David is excited. I mean, obviously because of the cheese, and definitely because it gets him out of folding 500 Cabaret programs for Moira, but also because it’s just so sweet! They are in love. But when they pull off to the side of the road and Patrick tells David they’ve arrived, it doesn’t feel like love: They’re going to strap on two heavy backpacks and go on a long hike to reach the picnic site? Sounds more like torture — and David makes sure Patrick knows it. After a while, Patrick is over it. If David hates it this much, why keep going? Patrick is mad.

But just as Patrick turns around, he steps on a tree branch that pierces right through his hiking boot. David has to remove it, and since Patrick had no room to pack a first-aid kit because of all the cheese and the ice packs to keep that cheese, David takes out his hand sanitizer and puts that on the cut. You guys, Patrick’s face in this moment kills me. In his own subtle way, he looks so relieved to have found a partner in David, and David apologizes for not appreciating Patrick more (you guys, I KNOW). He wants to keep going.

And as any true partner would, David carries Patrick on his back the rest of the way because Patrick is limping. (David is kind and loving, but he also fears the wrath of his mother should the star of her show be injured the day before it opens.) So that’s how the two of them arrive at the cliff overlooking a gorgeous view; it’s the perfect place for a picnic. Patrick still thinks that the moment has passed, that he ruined the romance with his outburst, but David pushes on.

He has Patrick direct him in how to set everything up — take the blanket out of there, get the cheese from here. And then Patrick tells him to grab something from the front pocket of his bag. As David turns around and finds a jewelry box, Patrick gets down on one knee. You guys, I am crying while I’m writing this! Please tell me you’re crying too! This is too much! David gasps and immediately starts to cry as Patrick tells him that this spot is where he used to come after he started developing feelings for his business partner and didn’t know if his business partner felt the same way. And now here he is, the love of his life. You want to know the best part? Okay, actually it’s all the best part, but something that is just perfectly Schitt’s Creek? David opens the box to find four gold bands, just like the four silver rings he wears every day. And you know what? Who cares if they’re 24 karat? David says yes. WE ALL SAY YES. It’s simply the best. Hey, you’re welcome for that, and I’m not apologizing!

But the next step in David and Patrick’s love story is not the only story line that might give you some feelings. Honestly, the “Johnny needs to go to the hospital” story line brought me just as much joy. Well, that sounds wrong, but you’ll understand soon.

After helping Moira load some furniture from the motel onto a truck to bring to the theater for the Cabaret set (“Our motel is the only place sad enough to pass for a prewar Berlin brothel,” Stevie explains), Johnny doesn’t look good. He’s out of breath, sweaty, and weak, and he’s having chest pains. Stevie’s the one to suggest they get him to the hospital. Roland agrees, saying he looks just like his cousin did when he died of a heart attack. Not a great sentiment to express at the moment, but it gets them all moving.

Just when you think Moira can’t have any more surprises, we get to see her react to her husband possibly being in grave danger. She is panicked. Catherine O’Hara, always a dream, is ridiculous in this scene in the best possible way. She yells at Johnny as if he can’t hear her (“Follow the sound of my voice” makes me laugh every time) and then takes on a low, slow tone as she orders the others around, prepping to get her husband to a doctor. I have no earthly idea where that voice comes from, but I know we are blessed that it’s here.

In the waiting room, she’s even worse. She has things she wants to express to her husband, so she does so — loudly. “You are the most important thing in this world to me. You know that, don’t you? And I include Caroline in that, and I’ve had that wig for 40 years!” Oh, you guys, that line so perfectly sums up this show. There’s the insanity that Moira compares her love for a wig to her love for her husband, also implying that she loves that wig more than her own children, but all of that is anchored by her obvious, undying love for Johnny. I’ve said it before, but their relationship grounds this show. Believing that they truly care for each other helps when there is absolute craziness going on around them. Which is always.

Someone else really loves Johnny too: Stevie! She is so upset as he goes off with the doctor — SHE HUGS HIM — and starts crying when he comes out and the doctor tells them it was just severe heartburn and he is fine. Sure, she says it’s just because she can’t run the motel alone — she doesn’t “do math” — then blames it on the thought of having to fold programs again, but we all know the real reason she’s so emotional: He’s like a dad to her! Be still, my heart!

The Wig Wall

• Alexis is getting freaked out by plans for the Galapagos — thoughts of malaria and hard-core insect repellent will do that to you — and it doesn’t help matters when Twyla reads Alexis and Ted’s tarot cards and sees boats capsizing and people attending fancy funerals. What’s really bothering her is this new feeling she can’t describe: that she’ll get to the Galapagos but be thinking about her family in Schitt’s Creek. She’s worried about David because she’s “basically his only friend,” and she’s worried about her dad because she’s “basically his only friend.” Ted has to explain the concept of homesickness to her. It’s all very sweet. Alexis is growing as a human being!

• When the doctor takes Johnny back for tests, Moira asks, “Is test code for ‘open heart surgery’? You can tell me, I once played a nurse on M.A.S.H.

• Add this to Alexis’s growing list of accomplishments: Turkish Cosmo once included her on a list of the World’s Best Sarongs.

• Ted tells Alexis to think about getting vaccines like getting Botox. Her response: “Eww, Ted, what am I, like, 32?” I feel personally attacked.

• Still making me laugh: Moira yelling at Johnny for not telling her he wasn’t feeling well all day. “You keep everything inside like a bashful clam!”

• Ronnie’s look when Alexis rubs her shoulder as a greeting at the café is truly perfect.

• The opening scene in “The Hike” is one of the show’s best: Moira lovingly wakes her kids up with coffee and a box of pastries from “the most charming petit patisserie” and definitely no ulterior motive … until they realize she wants them to fold 500 theater programs, the pastries are the cinnamon buns from the lobby, and there’s not actually coffee in the coffee cups. “Oh, it’s just a gesture, David. Stop being so literal!”

• Moira tries calling David from the hospital to tell him what’s going on but can’t get through (no reception on that hike!). When she’s asked if she tried Alexis: “There’s an idea! Does anybody have her number?”

Schitt’s Creek Recap: A Bashful Clam & a Backpack of Cheese