Schitt’s Creek really knows how to do a season finale, doesn’t it? I mean, I still tear up thinking about the end of season two, after Johnny tells off his friend for, well, shitting all over Schitt’s Creek and the whole things ends with a Rose family dance party at Mutt’s. But every season seems to end in a way that is the Most Schitt’s Creek. Hilarious and heartfelt through and through. Season five’s final bow is no different. Of course with the premiere of Cabaret upon us — I have never been so excited for local theater in all my life — you would think the episode would highlight our debut director, TV’s Moira Rose, but instead, this episode is very much about Miss Stevie Budd.
We pick up the morning after, say it with me people, David and Patrick got engaged (doesn’t that just feel good?), and the two guys are figuring out how best to make the big announcement. Both fear the wrath of upstaging Moira Rose the day of the big show premiere. No one steals Moira Rose’s thunder and lives to tell the tale. David suggests they wait until after the show that evening, gather a few friends and family at the motel, pop some Champagne, make a speech which will surely cause an epidemic of tears to sweep across the room, and tell everyone they are getting married. Not that he’s thought about it or anything. So that’s the plan. They won’t tell anyone until that evening.
Well, except, there’s no way that David can keep this huge secret from Stevie. And although Oprah getting new espadrilles is exciting, Stevie knows it cannot be the true reason David looks beside himself with joy. And so he spills! She could not be happier for her best friend. She cries! This is two episodes in a row, Stevie is so emotional these days. Has Moira’s theater training opened the floodgate? Or is something else going on?
As the hours toward showtime grow closer, and more and more people accidentally find out that David is engaged, it becomes clear that Stevie has gone missing. Naturally, Moira blames all of this on David for selfishly choosing this moment to tell Stevie about his engagement. “What a unanimously disastrous day this has turned out to be!” she exclaims, mere minutes after learning that her son is engaged to the love of his life. Ah, Moira Rose, Mother of the Year.
But, of course, the show must go on! The only logical option is to have Moira take over the role of Sally Bowles. (Apparently at one point, Moira thought about having Gwen understudy for Sally, but unfortunately that is a gift we will never receive.) As the rest of the cast is getting ready (hello Patrick as the Emcee), Moira shows up in costume. One might wonder if she’s actually happy that Stevie ditched and she can have her big moment on stage. And when Stevie shows up just as things are going to start, well, you don’t have to wonder anymore. You can see the disappointment on Moira’s face as she tries to cover up the awkwardness with some excuse about cosplay. Which, obviously, makes the entire thing all the more awkward.
As it so happens, Stevie did not run off because she was upset by David’s news, or too terrified to take the stage. She ran off because she knew Patrick was getting ready to propose (he asked for Stevie’s blessing, aw) and had a gift for David, she just didn’t know he was proposing the night before. She had to drive out to Elmdale to pick it up and got stuck in traffic without her phone. The perfect storm. Do you know what her gift for David is? Monogrammed towels, because when David gets married and moves out of the motel, she won’t be there to get him towels anymore. Stevie Budd is a sentimental queen, who knew.
With all the players in place and Moira and Jocelyn adorably excited over what they have accomplished, the show begins. We are treated to two full-length numbers this evening. The first, of course, is the opening number of the show “Willkommen,” which again, like, hello Patrick. But the big moment of the night is Stevie’s take on Sally’s gutting “Maybe This Time.” It comes right after a heartfelt chat between director and star. Moira is so proud of what Stevie’s done here. She couldn’t have asked for a better Sally, but her pride for Stevie reaches further than just this show. When Stevie explains that she wasn’t upset about David’s big news, but merely sad about watching all of these people make huge personal strides around her while she sits at the motel reception desk, Moira tells her that she’s always been in awe of Stevie — that even in a town like Schitt’s Creek, Stevie has never been afraid to be completely and utterly herself. And that won’t change regardless of if Stevie stays in town or decides to finally move on to something bigger. Throughout this show’s run, most people, including me, like to discuss how much Schitt’s Creek has changed the Rose family for the better, but in this episode, we are reminded that the Roses have changed Schitt’s Creek and its inhabitants too, none more than Stevie.
So Stevie goes on stage and sings the hell out of Sally’s song because it’s her song now too. Everyone goes crazy, especially David, who couldn’t be prouder of his best friend for doing something that terrified her. Their relationship is so special and I fear their good-bye when the series comes to a close may end me.
Cabaret is a rousing success and everyone heads back to the motel to celebrate the show and David’s engagement announcement, which has become the worst-kept secret in history. But the celebrations are cut dramatically short when Moira takes a call in the middle of David’s speech (she already knows, so why wouldn’t she take it?), and blood-curdling screaming can be heard from the other room. Moira is on the floor — The Crows Have Eyes III: The Crowening has been shelved. Just after Moira informed Stevie that the Crows movie was the only thing saving her from a full spiral of depression after living in this town for so long. And now that has been taken from her. She crawls into the closet to weep, where presumably she will stay until we catch up with her in season six. Moira has always been the holdout when it came to the Roses getting acclimated to their new life in Schitt’s Creek, so it’s an interesting position to put her in as we prepare for the series to wrap up. Will Moira Rose finally come to accept her new life?
The Wig Wall
• I’m still crying over Johnny trying to find any way to make Alexis stay in Schitt’s Creek instead of running off the Galapagos for six months. And he, Alexis, and Moira holding hands? I cannot.
• I love that as Ted leaves for the Galapagos (Alexis is staying an extra week for the show), Alexis sends him off with a true Ted Mullins joke: “It’s time for Ted to Galapa-go now.” They are truly made for each other.
• “Stop and embrace this precious moment, and I’m not just saying that because David’s at Patrick’s and the energy’s unusually light around here.”
• I laughed out loud at Roland’s description of Stevie to the police: “kind of looks like a vampire.” And again when Moira nodded in agreement.
• Moira to David re: Stevie: “Did you say anything that might have triggered her? You have that effect on people.”
• “That’s my friend.” Okay, BRB, crying.