Lori Loughlin is closer than ever to facing a legitimate, long jail sentence for her alleged involvement in the college admissions bribery scandal. But who cares! She definitely doesn’t! If this future reenactment tells us anything, it’s that Loughlin is going to be a jailhouse queen thanks to some, uh, minor bribery, and her fellow inmates are going to really fear everything about her.
“You think that’s insane? I paid $500,000 to get my daughter into USC,” she offers as an intro. “You heard me, I paid $500,000 to a women’s crew coach to say my daughter was good at rowing. I’m loco. You know what her job is now? She’s an influencer on Instagram.” Good luck trying to get protection if you get on her bad side, too. “I own the guards in here. I helped their kids get into a really competitive pre-K,” she adds, shiv in hand. “You think prison is hard? I’ve done 68 Hallmark movies. I’ve seen hell, man. And in half of those movies I marry Santa’s son, so I’ve lost all sense of reality. I’m gonna take your heart and cut, it, out.” You know what? We believe her.