The Real Housewives of Atlanta
The first episode of a Housewives reunion can be a bit of a drag. There are montages about people’s dog-catering businesses or their bathroom-tile selection processes, but the real meat typically doesn’t arrive until midway through episode two. But not with these women of Atlanta. WE ARE GETTING INTO IT. From the makeup chair, NeNe is already trying to put the phone further into her own face to talk shit to Marlo. Kandi is pulling Andy aside to set the record straight. And the koi are already jumping. Oh! That feels like that could be some new phrase to signify when the conversation is getting heated. The koi are jumping! Let’s get into it.
Okay, so the biggest thing that’s going to be happening on this reunion is the distantness of NeNe Leakes. Oh my God. This woman. Listen, I fully understand that NeNe is going through a lot. She is objectively going through a difficult time. It is completely understandable for someone to be sensitive, emotional, or not like themselves during a difficult time. Buuuuuuuuuuuut, NeNe seems a little too much like herself. NeNe has decided that everyone needs to be “supportive” and it’s becoming increasingly clear that NeNe is looking for the kind of support that Cersei Lannister gets from that creepy necromancer. NeNe doesn’t want people to be supportive. She wants people to be blindly loyal to her — it’s just like the kind of loyalty Cersei demands. NeNe Leakes is the Cersei Lannister of the Real Housewives of Atlanta. I have not interrogated this comparison to the fullest but I stand by it.
Before we get to the meat of the episode, why don’t we run down some of these reunion looks. Cynthia and Kandi are both wearing pretty similar gold dresses and everyone is making a big deal out of Kandi’s ponytail. Eva is wearing something giant and green that is ostentatious considering her station. Shamari’s dress is green and sparkly and after seeing no fewer than four women this WrestleMania Weekend wearing formal green sequined gowns, I kept thinking that Shamari just ran over from the WWE Hall of Fame ceremony. Porsha and NeNe are wearing dueling black gowns. While Porsha hasn’t opted for the pregnancy cut-outs that are commonplace for reunions, there is some rhinestoned mesh, and I’m pro-rhinestoned mesh. NeNe’s black dress is a little more funereal, which bolsters the Cersei Lannister comparison. If NeNe were wearing a pewter crown and flanked by a seven-foot giant, I wouldn’t have blinked an eye. NeNe was exceedingly severe this episode, is what I’m saying.
The first sign that this reunion is going to be about NeNe and her behavior is when Andy is doing his little check-ins and asks Porsha about her baby shower. Did everyone send a gift? NeNe did not send a gift because she was either, lemme just check my notes here, in Canada or at Floyd Mayweather’s birthday party. Who is going to Floyd Mayweather’s birthday party? NeNe asks Cynthia to confirm that she was in Canada working because this Floyd Mayweather party excuse doesn’t look good for her for several reasons.
Porsha’s first montage is about her relationship with Dennis. It’s beautiful and sweet and seeing their love moved me to tears. Please help. I care too much about these people. The happy couple was planning their pre-nup and that conversation got too heated so they just … decided to stop. Also, his mom is a bit much. Porsha is planning to have a C-section because she just can’t do vaginal birth. Listen, I’m not a mother and I don’t know, but I’ve never seen someone so optimistic and excited about a C-section before. Andy asks if Porsha can learn anything from Kandi as a working mother. Kandi tells her to never lose herself.
My biggest laugh of the episode was when Andy was asking what names Porsha had picked out and offered up the name Phaedra! Do not bring that kind of evil spirit unto this reunion, Andy!
But before we can have too much fun thinking about baby names and Eva screaming into Porsha’s future cavernous vagina, it’s time to deal with NeNe and her sour attitude again. Apparently NeNe hasn’t been to any events to check up on Porsha or “support” her. NeNe claims that Porsha doesn’t support her. Is this one of those things like, “Respect can mean treating you like a person or treating you like an authority figure, and I’ll only treat you like a person if you treat me like an authority figure.” We’ve all seen that poorly worded meme on Tumblr, right? NeNe wants people to “support” her (read: change your life around to meet her every need) and then NeNe will “support” you (read: remember you exist).
The real problem here is that NeNe isn’t owning any of her bullshit. It would be so easy for her to say, “I need you all to be patient with me.” SHE DOESN’T DO ANY OF THAT SHIT. When you ask her to be even the tiniest bit responsible for her behavior, she just says, “TOO BAD.” NUH-UH, NENE. Screw that. If you don’t care about anyone or their feelings or what’s going on in their lives, leave. Just leave. Refuse to show up to the reunion and issue a statement or something. Please, NeNe. Your presence is making the koi upset.
Almost every single topic on this reunion comes back to NeNe and her complete and total lack of fucks to give. Eva’s shadiness and her wedding? NeNe made the bachelorette party and wedding about her issues, but she apologizes in the most condescending way possible. A montage about their social media starts with everyone lightly clowning on Shamari’s shoulder bounce, but turns into NeNe calling Porsha a blimp under her breath and basically saying Cynthia isn’t her friend anymore.
Goddamn. Go home. You’re happily being a bad friend and stressing everyone out who is trying to stay friends with you. What is Cynthia or anyone for that matter getting back from this woman? NeNe is subtweeting Cynthia and Mike’s relationship and saying that creating a couple’s hashtag is insecure. Listen, it might be but you don’t say that. You just let your friend be happy with their corny and horny boyfriend and mind your business.
Cynthia and NeNe end up doing the most passive-aggressive shouts over each other about who is allowed to have an opinion. They’re all allowed to have opinions but NeNe keeps putting a whole lot of funk on the words “opinion” and “friends.”
“Oh, of course. I’m just saying that as your ~*~*~friend~*~*~, I gave you my ~*~*~opinion~*~*~*.”
I’m really looking forward to anyone, literally anyone, calling NeNe out on her behavior. Someone please tell NeNe that she’s being a bad friend and throw her into that koi pond.