If you’re in your 30s, Italian, go by a name that’s short for Joseph, own a small business, and live within the metropolitan area of Illinois’s largest city, please read: Do not audition for The Bachelorette. Take the money you were going to spend on suits, fine musks, whatever, and put it in your Roth IRA. Because the show’s leading ladies don’t care about you goofy dudes the way Vulture does! Joe, 30, the Box King, learned that the hard way during the premiere of Hannah Brown’s Bachelorette season on Monday evening, as it mirrored exactly what befell Joe, 31, Grocery Store Owner, during Becca Kufrin’s Bachelorette outing last year.
We should note Box King Joe likely sealed his fate when he jumped out of a massive cardboard box full of packing peanuts to introduce himself to Brown — a move that got a surprising “son of a bitch” from Chris Harrison as the credits rolled — unlike Grocery Store Joe’s previous eco-friendly walk to the mansion. Still, this deep dish coincidence was just too uncanny for us to remain silent. And if history were to repeat itself, Box King Joe will finish Bachelor in Paradise with a lovely new girlfriend by the end of the summer, and proceed to be recruited to yet another cushy reality franchise.