There are plenty of differences between Game of Thrones and Lord of the Rings, but one specific difference does a good job of representing the whole of them: In Lord of the Rings, we had no idea which characters had boned, and in Game of Thrones, we do. J.R.R. Tolkien preferred to keep his action almost entirely above the belt, while George R.R. Martin has no qualms about delving into the details of his characters’ various earthly appetites. Combine that with a bevy of eunuchs and monastic knightly orders, and somehow, without ever really asking for it, we’ve obtained fairly comprehensive knowledge of who has banged and who hasn’t.
With Brienne of Tarth taking a never-have-I-ever inspired tumble into the sheets on Sunday night’s episode, let’s take a moment to do a rundown of the last remaining V-cards in Westeros.
At an age when many people start to explore their sexuality, Bran instead explored the history of the entire universe and was left without fleshly desires. Now his only turn-on is sustained, uncomfortable eye contact.
Joined the Night’s Watch at age 15. Life before then is a mystery, but it seems to have been pretty miserable up until his untimely death at the Battle of Winterfell. Gave off a slight incel vibe.
Winterfell’s maester has apparently been on the show since season five, but you’d be forgiven for forgetting him, since he spends the majority of his screentime handing scrolls to more important characters. Maesters don’t have to swear a vow of chastity, but come on.
Lyanna Mormont and Alys Karstark
They were children.
I am currently unclear on how dragons have sex.
No woman will ever live up to his mother.
The Night King
Was an ice-demon.
Sandor ‘The Hound’ Clegane
The Hound is the rare character to never get a sex scene, and through all these years he’s shown no serious interest in sex or romance. I’d say his childhood trauma has left him unable to have a functioning adult relationship with a woman. As he told Sansa in “The Last of the Starks,” there’s only one type of flesh he hungers for: his brother’s.
Beric had a fiancée in his old life, but repeated resurrections have left him unable to remember her face. Does this make it more or less likely they had sex before marriage? Consult your friends.
I don’t think Qyburn is interested in anything that you or I would recognize as sex.
No Longer Virgins
On what she thought would be her last night alive, Arya threw herself a Gendry reveal party, ambushing her crush in the halls of Winterfell for a steamy pre-battle session. Defying decades of horror-film convention, the pair managed to avoid being violently murdered in the following episode; defying social mores in many parts of Westeros, Arya also seems in no hurry to marry him.
Brienne of Tarth
Despite the hometown date from hell in season four — the family wedding they attended ended in the death of the groom — Jaime L. made it to the fantasy suites in Brienne’s season of The Bach-Ser-Ette. (Finalist Tormund, who didn’t think Jaime L. was there for the right reasons, quit the show in protest.) But as happened so many times before, Brienne’s journey ultimately ended in heartbreak when the man she’d chosen revealed he wasn’t 100 percent over his ex. Oh well. There’s always Paradise.
You’d Think So, But No
For a man who talks so much about his sex life, we’ve seen a distinct lack of actual girlfriends. But a reader points out we met his daughters at Hardhome.
Thrones’ most famous eunuch revealed in season three that he performed sex work to survive after his castration.
Did you see his hookup with Missandei in season seven? It counts.
*This post originally included Edmure Tully. A reader helpfully reminded us that, upon his reappearance in season six, Edmure mentioned having a son.