Since 2015, the podcast My Dad Wrote a Porno has followed the saga of Belinda Blinked, a series of hackneyed, profoundly misguided, yet oddly lovable sex novels self-published by retired Northern Irish builder “Rocky Flintstone.” Weekly, the show’s hosts — Flintstone’s TV-director son, Jamie Morton, and fellow London creatives James Cooper and Alice Levine — bring listeners, facetiously dubbed “Belinkers,” into the world of Belinda Blumenthal, nymphomaniac sales director for the world’s kinkiest cookware company, Steele’s Pots and Pans, cringing their way through such phrases as “Her tits hung freely, like pomegranates.”
Since their podcast became a runaway hit — it’s racked up over 160 million downloads across four seasons — the trio have taken Belinda on the road, reading a “lost” chapter from the Flintstone oeuvre at such prestigious venues as Royal Albert Hall and the Sydney Opera House. A two-night stand at London’s Roundhouse Theatre was taped in March for the crew’s first TV special, also titled My Dad Wrote a Porno, premiering Saturday on HBO at 10 p.m.
When I first heard My Dad Wrote a Porno, it struck a deep chord. My dad didn’t write porn, but his dad — my late Grandpa Jimmy — was Seamus Cullen, a New York-born, Ireland-based author whose lurid spin on the fantasy genre has long been a source of bewildered amusement within my own family. With My Dad Wrote a Porno arriving on HBO smack in the middle of Game of Thrones’ final season, I couldn’t resist the opportunity to connect some very twisted dots between these two seemingly disparate worlds of the premium cable network’s universe — clearly, Grandpa was onto something when he merged kinky sex and Tolkien-esque lore all those years ago. I sat down with Morton, who was in town for a pair of dad-porn readings, over morning coffee earlier this week at Soho Grand to compare notes on life with a smut-penning elder in the family.
You’ve got the whole gang from My Dad Wrote a Porno here with you doing press, but I wanted to speak to you one-to-one because we have something in common. Sort of.
This is crazy. I can’t wait to talk to you about this.
So you know. My Irish granddad wrote porn. Well, more like a hybrid of fantasy and erotica. Penguin, which published his book Astra and Flondrix in the ‘70s, described it as “erotic Tolkien.” Essentially, he wrote about sex between elves, fairies, and the like.
Interesting. Did he use Tolkien’s universe?
No, he created his own. One which I really struggle to explain. There’s a sort of elf prince who thinks he’s a eunuch. He’s going along, thinking “I don’t have one of those.” Until he discovers no, he actually has two dicks. Two hidden dicks. And he finds a female who also has a double input, as it were. The future of the world depends on their union. Quite a bizarre story.
Have you read it all?
You know, I’ve never been able to finish it. That’s why I’m impressed with your resolve in reading your dad’s work. I suppose my experience was a bit different than yours, where your father’s writing came out of nowhere.
You knew it was in the ether.
I grew up knowing that my grandfather was this expatriate author living in Ireland, writing novels.
There’s something in the water over there. [Laughs.]
It wasn’t until I was older that I realized what kind of books he had written. Here’s Astra and Flondrix. [The book jacket depicts a Bosch-like forest of phallic, ejaculating trees].
Oh my God. You know exactly what you’re getting from the front cover. Was that his real name, Seamus Cullen?
No, that’s a pen name.
Everyone hides behind their porn. Own it, guys.
You know, I get it. With Seamus, he’d been using the name already, before writing anything too porn-y. But let’s talk Rocky. Did you have any inkling, any clues, growing up that he had this sort of thing in him?
Honestly, no. I could imagine he might write something or be creative in some way. But I never thought this would happen. You look at your parents as asexual in a way, don’t you? “They don’t have sex.” It came out of complete left field. I’m impressed he actually sat down and did it. That takes dedication.
It didn’t fit your idea of who your father was.
No. That’s what’s crazy — that he had the discipline to actually do it and write so many volumes. This is clearly something he really enjoyed. I mean, my God, he’s still writing loads all the time. I’m like, “Dad. Slow down.”
Do you think the success of My Dad Wrote a Porno has encouraged him to write more, or would he be doing this anyway?
I think he’d be doing it anyway. He never thought anyone would read his books. When you put something on Amazon that’s self-published, you know the odds of anyone finding it are slim. It’s like Belinda Blinked and The Martian [that have sold], that’s it. And 50 Shades, I guess. He had heard about 50 Shades — not read it, mind you — and said, “I think I’ll have a crack at that. I can do that.” And he can’t, clearly. But he had a crack, anyway.
It’s interesting to hear some of the interpretations of his work that the guests on your “Footnotes” bonus episodes have offered. Like the guy from Silicon Valley.
Thomas Middleditch. His interpretation was mental. I never thought dad’s writing would offer up so many ideas. Rachel Bloom was another. She thinks it’s set in the future, and it’s this parallel universe. I’m like, “You’re giving him way too much credit.” He just sat drunk at his keyboard and started writing.
But, yet, he created this universe.
He has created a world people are genuinely invested in. [The podcast] started out as this joke: These books are about nothing, and who cares. And, suddenly, everyone was really invested. They sincerely want to know what happens to these characters. People love them. They come [to live readings] dressed up as them, and do fan art.
It’s been interesting to see who’s caught on to it. Like Emma Thompson, who was one of your last guests on season four.
Her daughter got in touch with us on Facebook. She left this message: “Loved your show. By the way, Emma Thompson would love to play The Dutchess, as long as she can bring her own whip.” They came to our show at Royal Albert Hall. She met my dad, which was amazing. When she invited us around for dinner to chat about all things dad porn, it was a surreal moment. Nicest person. I love her.
Is your dad at all of the shows?
He comes to big ones like Royal Albert Hall.
You’ve managed to keep his identity secret. Or as secret as it can be, considering he’s your father. You have so many tabloids in Britain. And the “Belinkers” are so dedicated. Has no one tried unmasking him?
Everyone’s been really respectful. When we decided to do the podcast, [his response] was: “That’s cool, you can do that, but I want to keep under the radar.” Which we all respected. There’s so much affection for dad. That’s been the nicest thing. They don’t want to ruin the enigma of Rocky. There’s something about him being anonymous that adds to it. If he came out of the woodwork, a bit of the magic might go. Though he does live up to every expectation.
No one’s figured out where you grew up and put the last name together with a resemblance to you?
It wouldn’t take a genius, would it? But no. He lives in Brazil part of the year.
Of course he does!
My parents are great adventurers, always traveling. They went to Brazil on holiday, fell in love with it, and got a little place out there.
Seems like a good place to be if you’re trying to write erotica.
Very inspiring, yeah.
Yet it hasn’t come into play in any of the books yet.
He’s managed to avoid any sexiness at all costs, which is extraordinary. That is an achievement in itself. I’m sure this is kind of sexy [taps Astra and Flondrix].
Oh, no. The audience for this was probably teen boys who’d read Lord of the Rings. It was a chip off that block that gave them a little something extra, and that something extra was really graphic fairy sex. I think it was popular with college students. In the reviews on Amazon, people will go “Oh, I read this in college in the late ‘70s, and I’ve been looking for it ever since.”
Is it still in print?
No. It’s kind of a dusty, thrift store find. Or was. The Game of Thrones thing has brought more interest to this sort of thing, so it’s popping back up. At the time Grandpa put sex into fantasy, I don’t know if anyone else had done that before. So in a sense, Astra and Flondrix anticipated that mix you see on Game of Thrones.
He is the forefather to this whole phenomenon.
Well that would be going entirely too far. It’s not a very pleasurable read. There’s a podcast, Read It and Weep, where some comedians read really bad books or watch bad movies and compare notes. They did an episode.
They read this? Amazing.
They said something like, “The book jacket describes it as sexual Tolkien, which is an insult to both Tolkien and the idea of sex.” He was a writer by trade, so he had a technical command of writing your father didn’t. But I don’t think Astra and Flondrix comes off as lovable as Belinda Blinked.
That’s the paradox. He’s writing these terrible books, but the charm is they’re so bad. He genuinely thinks they are good. There’s something really endearing about that: A builder from Northern Ireland turning 60, retiring, and saying: “You know what? I’m gonna take a crack at erotica and be awful at it.” But yet kind of be brilliant at the same time.
How much of the stuff that we laugh at do you think is intentionally funny?
That’s a good question, because he’s a very cheeky guy.
There’s a character named Hank Skank. And it’s not a nickname. He’s gotta be taking the piss, right?
Yes, but some things he’s deadly serious about, which are the bits I find funnier. Things like comparing [nipples] to the rivets on the Titanic. That’s something I know dad thinks is a great metaphor. He was a builder so he’s got a weird view of rivets. Those are things I love because I feel that’s borne out of him genuinely trying.
There’s a line near the end of the HBO special — and I have to be careful how loud I say this in public — to the effect of “Belinda Blumenthal plopped Des Martin’s floppy phallus from her jaws.” He can’t be serious with that, can he?
I think that’s serious. The point of erotica is to get people off. And that’s where he just misses constantly, which is hilarious. My mother said to me: “Now I know he couldn’t possibly have had an affair. The man writing this couldn’t possibly.”
On the podcast, you make it a point not to read the chapters in advance, to keep the reactions more authentic. What did you do differently for the special? Obviously there had to be some pre-production.
This chapter is what we [read] on our live tour. So we’d done it a few times by the time we did it on tape. We took it to a small theater in London and did three nights, and just riffed and experimented. Alice’s presentation came out of that. And getting people up on stage happened there as well — to bring it alive a little. When HBO got in touch, we thought since we never put that chapter out as a podcast, it would be nice to have it as part of the canon for everyone to enjoy.
Have you done different “lost” chapters live?
No, just this one. Every time dad travels abroad, or on a plane actually, he emails me everything he’s ever written. And says: “In case the plane goes down, here is all my work.” So I’ve got a bank of stuff he’s sent over the years. I haven’t looked at it. But there’s a worrying amount of material. And he’s still writing now.
Will MDWAP continue to follow his literary journey?
We’re starting season five soon. At the end of each season, we have dinner, talk about where we’re at with it, how we’ve enjoyed that season, and if we want to do another. We decide then and there. Are we still having fun? I really enjoy it. It’s come to mean quite a lot to people, which has been lovely. I’m sure we’ll keep doing it in some form. I think it’s gonna be in our lives forever. I’m waiting for that day where we go “Oh, we can’t do it anymore, he’s too good.”
I love how he just throws in these rote “business and leadership” chapters in the middle of all this sex.
Someone said to us, even if he gets really good at plot, he’ll never lose his weird way of writing.
Emma Thompson compared his style to the plot from the movie The Fly. If you took pure smut, and a sales manual …
And just merged the two together! You don’t need to know what chapter goes where. You could just put the whole book on shuffle and it would make as much sense as reading it in order.
Where is the conversation about the Belinda movie right now? You’ve been postulating about the cast since the first season. Elijah Wood and Emma Thompson are itching to do it.
We’ve had really interesting conversations about it. There’s a great cast there already. I know everyone’s joking, but I really think some of them would genuinely do it.
I think so, too. But I think the challenge, as demonstrated in this special, is: Physically, are these acts your father describes even possible?
[Laughs.] Exactly. The thing is: What would it be? Nothing yet has felt like the right way to do it. We think the podcast sort of tells this story in the best way you can. [With a movie] you’d have to confront that this is actually porn, and kind of weird. Whereas when you’re just listening, it feels more innocent.
You’ve been able to share some interesting stories that have come out of the podcast. There was a young couple who worked up the confidence to lose their virginity from listening, and a woman who used it as a birthing tool. Have you met many other people who shared similar experiences to you?
Last time we were in New York, there was this kid, about 22, at the stagedoor who’d been inspired by dad to write erotica. He gave me a copy of his book, and said “This has given me the confidence.” This show has been great for people to go, “If he can do it, then so can I.” And it gives people an outlet to share it. I’ve also met someone whose dad wrote an erotic novel. He wasn’t handling it as well as I was.
What advice do you have for someone with a family member who is, secretly or openly, writing smut?
Engage with it. I was telling him: You’ve got to own it. Suppression is more unhealthy than reading it to the world. I’ve learned so much more about my dad. And not just in a sexual way. I’ve learned he’s a creative person. I never knew he had those urges — to tell stories. There’s something great about trying to understand who your parents are beyond just being parents. You’d be surprised what conversations it opens up.
You grew up thinking he was just a builder.
You realize how many sacrifices your parents make. I’m one of four kids. He had so many obligations that maybe stopped him from pursuing a creative life. That’s been really interesting to talk about. Being on this journey with him, and him being as involved as he has been, we get to travel the world. He’s got this whole new life, and career, and people love him. There’s so much affection for him. We always wanted the show to be a friendly ribbing, never mean or shaming. It’s lovely that the people who listen come with that perspective as well.
So it’s been all positive?
I have to say, it might change with the HBO show. It’s gonna have a bigger audience, I guess. I don’t know what it’s like in this country but, in Britain, there is such a silence in our culture about sexuality. Doing it in a funny way and being able to access it through humor is a great way to open up the debate. We have people come up to us and be really open about their sex lives. We never thought we’d be having these conversations.
I noticed proceeds from your shows go to a mental health fund.
That was dad’s idea. A lot of people get in touch with us on Twitter about how the podcast has helped with their mental health. People have been so honest and open about talking about it to us that dad thought we should give back to that community. He was researching charities. I thought it was a wonderful idea. It’s hard to talk about. We feel proud that we’ve created a community, particularly online — and on Twitter, which can be so nasty and horrible — where people are sharing stories. And everyone jumps in the mentions and says things like, “Belinkers stick together, you can get through it.” It’s a lovely corner of the internet where everyone has each other’s back. I’m proud of our listeners for that. That’s not us, it’s them.
This interview has been edited and condensed.
