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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Happy Endings

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Grilling Me Softly
Season 9 Episode 13
Editor’s Rating *****

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Grilling Me Softly
Season 9 Episode 13
Editor’s Rating *****
Photo: Bravo

I really, really, really enjoyed this episode of Rich Women Doing Things and the only thing the women do this week is go on an RV trip. Well, they overpack and then go on an RV trip. Kyle’s worried about what to bring and how she won’t be able to have her glam squad around, but somehow she finds room in her bag to pack every one of her precious fedoras, which have had so much screen time this season that next season they’re probably going to be in the opening credits holding a diamond and delivering a tagline like, “Some people are known for giving head, but I’m known for taking it.”

What I loved about this episode is that all of the women are really having fun together. That’s what the best Housewives franchises — namely New York and Atlanta — have in common, that the women seem to have their conflicts and petty squabbles but can put those aside enough to enjoy each other’s company. Just look at their trip to Von’s, where they spend $700 for one dinner and one breakfast. They’re all just running around the store going for their favorite comfort foods and having a blast with this idea that they’re all going camping.

My favorite exchange was when Lisar says, “Oh, let’s get doughnuts.” I know that a carb has not passed her enormous lips since sometime in the Carter administration, but even Lisa Rinna knows that those chocolate Entenmann’s doughnuts are the absolute best thing one can buy in any grocery store. Give me a box of those (refrigerated) and a bag of Bugles and it will absolutely make up for the fact that I will never be able to post a shirtless selfie from the top of Runyon Canyon. Anyway, Kyle says to her immediately, “Please, Rinna. Like you’re going to eat doughnuts.” That’s not even a read; it’s just a statement of fact. Lisa wants to seem like she’s fun enough to get doughnuts, but she’s also totally in on the joke of all the other women calling her out that she isn’t going to buy doughnuts, a giant bottle of cheese puffs, or anything insane like that.

Erika, on the other hand, totally buys Cheez Whiz and an entire pumpkin pie, which is just absolutely genius. I have missed Erika the past few episodes as she’s receded into the background, but she really showed up here. There’s nothing finer than her sitting in a periwinkle cashmere onesie and a pair of sunglasses that look like two Jet Ski windshields smashed together, eating pumpkin pie with whipped cream right out of the foil pie plate. Then she tops it off with that fake cheese spread on a cracker, and the smile that spreads across the face of that country girl is like the sun rising over the Georgia mountains and falling on the naked pedestals where the Confederate statues used to stand.

Erika really earns her keep this episode during the one time when things get serious and they talk about Lisa Vanderpump. She tells the women that she cares about those around the table, the ones who show up, not the ones who are moving pieces around the chessboard and trying to make themselves look amazing while other women look like crap. “I never bought it,” she says of Lisa Vanderpump. “And I never will buy it.” She then likens Lisa to the evil queen who shows you an apple. The whole speech really wraps up how she feels about Lisa in one neat little package, but what is really great about it is that it isn’t just anti-LVP — it is also pro the rest of the group, which I think is really getting forgotten in the “toxic wave” of Lisa Vanderpump.

As much as I love Erika, and I will always love Erika whether or not she pays me, I actually found myself falling for Dorit this episode too. First of all, she is one of the prettiest Housewives we have, and every episode where we see her mincing in a bikini in the opening credits I just want to murder her for having a body that good. When she has her hair nice and simple and a little bit wavy she looks like a natural beauty. Screw those blunt cuts, they’re doing nothing for her.

Even more than that, she just seems fun and easy this whole episode. Who knew that Dorit, snooty Dorit who talks about how she’s ridden horses all around the world, would be the only one who would actually kick some ass at beer pong? Who would have thought that Dorit would be with Kyle leaving fake rats and fake bugs in people’s bunks like they’re back at summer camp? Who thought it would be Dorit, of all people, who would take over at the grill and show St. Camille of Grammer and Denise that they have no idea what they’re doing? Then she puts those burgers not on Hermès china, but on Halloween paper plates with giant jack-o’-lanterns dressed as witches on them. (Note to self: Next time Dorit pisses me off, remember to call her a jack-o’-lantern dressed as a witch.)

The big takeaways from this episode, though, are most likely going to be about Denise and Camille. Denise continues to utterly delight me in so many ways. Not only is she legitimately worried about the women getting ticks, she is also there talking to them about how she wanted her husband, Aaron, to have a happy-ending massage. Not only that, but she has gotten a happy ending after a massage herself.

All of the ladies freak out about both of these revelations and we get a montage of the different women saying that if their husbands got a happy ending they would cut their balls off or something like that. Not our Denise. She is so secure in her relationship that she doesn’t mind if someone else touches her man’s wang after spending an hour rubbing all of his muscles. Wait. Does Aaron need another one of these massages? I will enroll at the Swedish Institute right now if it means getting my mitts on Aaron from stem to stern for the better part of an hour and getting paid for it.

But the bottom line of all of this is that Denise does not give a shit. She tells the women that every man she’s been with had such a massage, so she wanted Aaron to have that experience as well. Not only that, she actively helped him find one. That is a loving and giving partner. That is someone who cares so much she wants him to explore out in the world and come back and tell her all about it at 5:30 in the morning when they’re boning before the girls get up. I have found a new role model and her name is Denise Richards. Now, how do I get someone to buy me a happy-ending massage for my birthday?

Camille’s part in this episode is a little bit stickier. She also admits that she has used a strap-on and explored the back door on one of her past partners, and I think that it’s great that Camille is willing to do those things for love. (Fun fact: “I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That)” is about rimming.) Her relationship with Teddi, though, leaves a little bit to be desired with both women. Thanks to Camille I totally see what everyone is saying about Teddi sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong and always trying to be an accountability coach to all of the women.

However, I also understand what Teddi says about Camille talking shit about the women when they’re not around and then backing down when they confront her. That goes back to season-one Camille, who seems to be rearing her ugly head once again this season. I also commend Teddi for sticking up for herself when Camille talks down to her and says she’s “bright for her age.”

But I don’t want to dwell on any of that, because it was dispelled quite quickly when Erika quipped that Teddi is “drunk for her age,” and all of the women laughed and went off to their luxury KOA tents that cost $158 a night and I thought to myself, Don’t say glamping. No one say glamping. Please leave glamping out of it, but then they had to say glamping and I put a garrote around each of my ears and sawed them off and left them right there in the dust of that campsite so that the ashes of the fire and the crumbs from all the s’mores could coat them in a sticky fluid. They will rest there forever, my ears, hearing the laughs of the women no matter how far away they travel. And my ears, my severed, bloody ears, will be tickled by those giggles and will forever think, Those are my friends.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Happy Endings