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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Pants on Fire

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

The Show Must Go On
Season 9 Episode 14
Editor’s Rating *****

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

The Show Must Go On
Season 9 Episode 14
Editor’s Rating *****
Photo: Bravo

This week on our favorite program, Rich Women Doing Things, the rich women did things. They visited their teen daughters getting made up by glam squads to go to just any old school dance and then cried on the doorstep. They showed off their second wedding dresses to their friend Kimber, inexplicably named after Jerrica Benton’s annoying little sister. They talked about closing down their retail empires to focus on the online sales, which is the new “pivot to video,” and they also discussed how hard it is to run a business texting people to exercise while also raising children. Oh, and one of the rich women took a polygraph test.

[Record scratch] Say what now? Yes, just 24 hours after St. Camille of Grammer showed up at her house to beg her to come to her wedding, Lisa Vanderpump takes John Sessa, a WeHo PSA walking around with free will, to get a lie-detector test to determine whether she planted a story about Dorit with Pollzitzer Prize–winning investigative-journalism website RadarOnline.

This is weird for a number of reasons. First of all, it shows the desperation of either Lisa, the producers, or both to keep her on the show despite her insistence that she won’t film with the rest of the cast. This episode, she reveals her kitchen renovation not with one of the ladies but with John Sessa again, grinning ear-to-ear like he just went to Santa Monica Boulevard to pick up some tinctures at Med Men and some new anal beads at Chi Chi LaRue’s. The kitchen is bright but still full of terrors.

What is also bizarre about this polygraph is that it is totally unprompted. When Lisa is talking to Camille, she asks, “What do these women want? Me to take a lie-detector test?” The next day, she has one up and running, like she sat around for hours thinking about it, did some quick internet research, and found the nearest available polygraph operator who could see her immediately. It’s just all so sudden and seems like a stunt. It’s sort of like someone showing up with the results of a paternity test when you know for certain he never shagged your mom. (He’s probably the only one. ZING!)

The women don’t care about this test. Lisa is going to show up with receipts that no one asked her to produce and that no one has any good reason to believe. What Lisa seems to misunderstand about this whole Puppygate (RIP) nonsense is that even if she didn’t plant this particular story, the way she’s behaved over the past decade on the show leads the women to believe that she would absolutely do something like this. Everyone being upset with her is less about a specific event and more about a pattern of behavior. There is no way that one test being administered by someone she paid is going to exonerate her from everything.

That’s the other thing that really struck me about Lisa’s conversation with Camille, which goes back to the fundamental truth that Kyle delivered from underneath the too-wide brim of a burgundy fedora: Lisa cares more about her image than she does about her friendships. She seems to have no remorse and no sadness whatsoever that her friendship with Kyle is done. There is no, “I’m sorry it had to end this way.” There is only this feeling that if Kyle won’t agree with her, she doesn’t need Kyle anyway.

It seems that Lisa feels people are disposable, even her closest friends. She doesn’t see this as a disagreement, but as Kyle deciding to end a friendship. But Kyle didn’t want to end it, and she still doesn’t. Lisa set the terms of termination and then blames Kyle for enacting them. This reminds me of Cedric, her live-in best friend and part of the family, who suddenly disappeared between seasons one and two of the show. It reminds me of Brandi Glanville (say her name three times and she shall appear), who was also described as another member of the family until she was entirely cut off.

Anyway, it’s going to be a weird rest of the season with Lisa not talking to anyone. What is she even going to do with the polygraph results? Call up the women and let them know how it played out? Or is she just going to show up with a printout at the reunion, waving it around like a giant printout of her texts with John Blizzard? Do you think Andy Cohen will put his readers on to look at them? I bet he’ll bat them away with a flick of the hand like he does when another top tries to show up at his Sag Harbor pool parties.

The other big event this episode is Erika Jayne’s concert in L.A., which was absolutely amazing. Yeah, I know what you’re going to say, “Erika Jayne could shoot someone in the middle of Fifth Avenue and Brian would find a way of defending her because he’s on her payroll.” Know what? Who cares? I’ve always loved her and I will always love her, just like my love knows no bounds for Sonja Morgan, Kandi Burruss, and LeeAnne Locken. Need I remind you, this is a Real Housewives recap. There is no purity in it. There is no code of ethics. There are no stringent requirements to do this job nor should their be, because, while it is dreadfully important, it is not vital.

So, yeah, I was at that concert and it was absolutely amazing. As Mikey promised there were videos, pyrotechnics, multiple costume changes, backflips, cover songs, sold-out merch, and a crowd that couldn’t have been more excited to see her. It was like a Stefan skit but somehow even gayer than Bill Hader. Even Tom Girardi loved it, and he is one cool customer. Yes, the sound cut out at one point, but Erika recovered well and, in the course of the 45-minute show, it barely registered as a blip. I didn’t know that something went wrong, I thought they needed some silent pickup shots for the show, which was clearly being filmed while the audience danced and cheered. It makes me a little sad that Erika put on this great concert and all that we get to see is the one mess-up.

There had to be at least one camera operator who loves the male form on staff that night because the lenses were absolutely drooling over Erika’s dancers while they pranced around the stage in their boxer briefs after the performance. God, if I looked like that, you wouldn’t be able to get me to wear anything more substantial than a jockstrap, so I don’t blame those guys at all. Teddi’s husband, Edwin, even wants to be one of them, but it doesn’t seem like he has the range. Sure, he humped the ground a few times in front of Erika, but that’s not going to cut it. Also not cutting it: his Skyline-branded hat at the concert. (If you didn’t figure it out by the RV they drove last episode, that is the name of his security business.) It will never be as iconic as the The Agency hat, and even Mauricio had the tact not to put that on while going out to a concert.

Speaking of Edwin, this season is getting really sexually graphic. When Kyle mounts Mauricio on a couch and starts making out with him (see the effects just one Erika Jayne performance can have on people?), Edwin wants to know where his straddle is. Teddi says she straddled him the day before and he couldn’t even make it through the whole song of “Party in the USA.” I feel ya, brother. Some times you just need to scratch that itch and get back to your life.

But it’s not just that. We have Kyle telling everyone about Camille milking a prostate, complete with a series of hand gestures that looked like she was trying to turn back time in Doctor Strange. There is Denise talking about how Aaron can’t go four days without sex while she’s filming but he can jerk off while they have phone sex. Personally, I’m for all of it. I won’t be happy until we have at least one sex tape called Rich Women Doing Things and the things are, you know, like, dongs.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Pants on Fire