overnights

Southern Charm Recap: Pillow Party

Southern Charm

In Sew Deep
Season 6 Episode 5
Editor’s Rating *****

Southern Charm

In Sew Deep
Season 6 Episode 5
Editor’s Rating *****
Photo: Bravo

If Kathryn Dennis is our Selina Meyer (bossy!), then Danni is her Gary. Poor Danni. After last episode’s tense dinner, and after downing a s’more for courage, Danni finds it in herself to tell her supposed BFF that sometimes she is not a very good F at all. “There are times when I’m scared to tell you that you hurt my feelings,” Danni says.

Kathryn is unremorseful, exhibiting the communication skills of a sullen, drowsy 12-year-old. “I got you, I got you,” is all she says, but get her she does not. In a confessional, Kathryn will say she feels “betrayed” by Danni — the kind of irredeemable monster who, for example, makes sure to pack Kathryn’s phone for her because she knew she’d forget it otherwise.

Back in the city, it is 12:47 p.m. You know what that means. Craig is still very much asleep, perhaps dreaming of the bone-shaped “Bethany” ID tag that once dangled from his formerly furry neck. He may not be a “good waker-upper,” but at least Craig respects the viewers of Southern Charm enough to remove his shirt before he conks out for half a day at a time.

Despite the best efforts of assistant Anna-Heyward, who is not only choosing the fabrics but doing the sewing herself (and who, I suspect, has by this point developed a passable vocal impression of Craig to deploy in case anyone calls his cell before lunch), Charleston’s foremost pillow mogul remains woefully behind on fulfilling his orders.

And so Craig decides to trick his friends into forming a cushion assembly line. He invites them to a “pillow party,” words he uses as if they were a phrase any other sensible person would recognize and not furrow their brow at while they try to puzzle out exactly how sexual said event is going to be. (As it turns out, significantly less sexual than it sounds.)

But before you pillow party, you must pillow pregame. Kathryn meets Craig at a fabric store, where she wastes no time in bursting into tears and plopping onto the carpet. She’s feeling overwhelmed as He Whose Instagram Handle Must Not Be Shown Unblurred’s court date looms. If TRav goes to jail, she’ll be a single mom. And how is she supposed to explain to her children that their father has been charged with sexual assault?

I certainly don’t have the answer. But I will say that, as places to cry go — I’m something of a connoisseur — Kathryn could have chosen a lot worse than this fabric store, swaddled in coastal chic prints, zebra stripes, and baby-blue florals. Here, the world is soft and full of possibilities and conveniently available for purchase by the yard.

Craig, living his own personal adaptation of My Year of Rest and Relaxation, wakes just in time to apply eyeliner before the pillow party. Why? “Girls like it,” for one thing. To be clear, Craig’s personal style of eyeliner application is less I watched five YouTube makeup tutorials in a row to pull this off and more I woke up with the spins after getting my money’s worth out of the $5 cover charge for Emo Night — and all the more disconcerting in that he’s chosen to pair it with a crisp blue Oxford with white contrast collars and cuffs.

File this, too, under Things Craig Believes That Girls Like: Our hero has mounted on his kitchen wall a series of small plastic shelves containing more than half a dozen pairs of women’s sunglasses, for the taking of any ladies who might spend the night at his home. Let us proclaim the mystery of Craig.

Lo and behold, his friends aren’t keen on being used as “free labor,” and so he immediately throws in the towel. Or throws in the pillow, I guess. It’s just as well, because Chelsea is glad to have this opportunity to confront Austen, who we learned this week moves through the world burdened with the knowledge that his parents are among the many, many (many) people who have watched the video recorded after his ostensible sexual encounter with not one but two non-girlfriend women. But that’s not what this is about.

In the latest installment of CSI: Cyber: Charleston, Madison sent Chelsea screenshots of their mutual ex bad-mouthing her and her new man (specifically, about how tall her boyfriend is? Feel free to go ahead and leak me these texts at csicybercharleston@mollyfitz.net). Austen offers a genuine apology, which she accepts. I have to admit that I’m not entirely unsympathetic to Austen here. If I were Chelsea, I don’t doubt I’d be pissed, but it is also my belief that the No. 3 purpose of a romantic relationship is to function as a Cone of Silence in which you are free to speak as hideously as you like of the rest of mankind (No. 2 is health insurance, No. 1 is someone to make you coffee). That said: Talk shit with your mouth, not with your fingers. Paper trails!

It should come as no surprise that Danni and Kathryn’s conflict is anything but resolved. “I’m actually not upset,” says Kathryn, which is interesting, given that the primary scientific indicator of an upset person is their saying, aloud, “I’m actually not upset.”

“I’ve actually been a really good friend to her,” Danni insists to the entire group, who are watching this fight like it’s dinner theater. “I’ve been a great fucking friend to you, too,” Kathryn protests, and promptly demonstrates, by advising Danni to “fuck off.”

Outside, Danni cries to Chelsea: “I’ve been such a good friend to her and for her to act like she’s been such a good friend to me — are you fucking kidding me?”

Across the Bravo-verse, this kind of moment would usually be ripe for a passive-aggressively edited flashback undercutting whatever bullshit just emitted from a person’s mouth. But in this case, we’re treated to a package of Danni being very loyal indeed, standing up for Kathryn to Thomas, to Ashley, to the entire cast. No good deed goes unrecorded.

Southern Charm Recap: Pillow Party