It’s not hard to start to see each Bachelorette as one of your friends. It’s entirely delusional and not based in any reality, but it’s very easy to find yourself talking about the Bachelorette in conversation. You may be spilling over mimosas about how Hannah’s need to present herself as a perfect person might be making her hesitant to admit when she’s put her faith in the wrong people, and your boyfriend has to stop you and say, “Wait. Who’s Hannah? Is she the one at your work that hacked into your email?” And you’re forced to go, “No, she’s on the TV and she’s a stranger BUT MY POINT STILL STANDS, HONEY.” Hannah needs a girlfriend, a real girlfriend, and fortunately for her, I’m here.
So, Hannah, girl. Girl. Gurl. “What on earth do you see in Luke P.?” As your friend, I want to discourage you from dating anyone who uses his last initial after age 10, but that’s just where you’re at. But all that aside, “What do you see in him?” I’m guessing it has something to do with his bulging calves. You know what they say, a man with a big calf knows how to use his long staff.
Girlfriend, you’re waking up every other day weeping about him and you’re completely unable to enjoy your Rhode Island lobster dates, the traditional courtship ritual of the Northeast. No one should be weeping over a guy who manages to have rage-filled eyes and a slack jaw. No one should be weeping over a guy who looks like he should be the racist equipment manager in the movie about the first black hockey team. No one should be weeping over someone whose talent in a talent show was “human speech.” How are you dickmatized already?
And let me now talk to The Bachelorette, the television program. Girl. Girl. GURL. Do not leave us on a “To Be Continued” when we know what the outcome is going to be. Hannah is going to keep Luke P. and get rid of Luke S. because Luke P. has teen-movie hot-villain energy and Luke S. looks like Nick Viall got over-fluffed in the dryer. Is there somewhere The Bachelorette is getting all these Kirkland Signature Nick Vialls? What mix of white genetics gets us to this exact type of sentient Henley shirt?
Let’s get to it.
The contesticles are sitting around in the mansion when host Chris comes in to tell them that Hannah is in charge and handles her business and then goes and cries in the fetal position for two hours. She’s got this. (Note: She does not got this.) But that doesn’t matter right now because they’re heading to America’s sexiest state: Rhode Island. And then they’re going to head promptly to America’s freakiest city, Boston, an hour and a half away.
They don’t waste any time, with the guys heading out to the balcony overlooking the marina and shouting, “HANNAH! WE’RE IN RHODE ISLAND!” It’s time for the first date card of the week. Jed! Get on a commuter rail and meet me in a couple hours in a completely different state!
Hannah is bringing a real “Kid Hanging Out With Their Very Cool and Slightly Distant Dad” vibe to the day portion of the date. She’s smiling with an intensity that would chip a lesser person’s tooth and straining to fill every moment of silence with fake fun facts about Boston — including that Thomas Jefferson built a hotel in 1692, y’know, 51 years before he was born. After a stop at the Cheers bar, a walk through Harvard Square, and a commercial for Halo Top in the park, it’s time for another Boston-themed surprise: a two-on-two game with two Boston Celtics.
Hannah sits down with 22-year-old Jaylen Brown to get some relationship advice and tells him that Jed is gentle and a baller. Jaylen tells her to look for someone who makes her laugh, who is there for the rough times, and will accept her flaws. Okay, Jaylen! That’s some good-ass advice. Jed and Hannah kiss on the court, and in a genuinely cool move, he throws the ball into the hoop while he’s locked in an embrace with her.
On the night portion of the date, Jed decides to spill his tragic backstory: He signed up for the show for the wrong reasons. This is what’s passing for an emotional reveal now, Jed? This would be the time to reveal that your father suffered a massive foot sprain when you were a kid and you watched his marriage fall apart, or that your last girlfriend was that lady astronaut who drove across the country in a diaper, not that your SoundCloud link is below. Jed, if you’re going to do this, you better fucking come correct. I expect to hear about how you were trapped inside a yearbook by a wizard in high school and that taught you a lot about love. Nonetheless, Jed gets the rose.
The next date of the week is designed to make Luke P. fly into a psychosexual rage. Dylan, Matteo, JOHN PAUL JONES, Connor, Garrett, Dustin, Devin, Grant, Peter, Kevin, Mike, and Luke S. will all be subject to Luke P.’s blood, sweat, and tears. Also, Dylan straight up laughs when JOHN PAUL JONES reads his own name. JPJ seems like the type of guy who wanted to be Spicoli, but he was born in Connecticut to two Longchamp bags.
They all head to Fort Allen to play rugby. Two bagpipers and Revolutionary War reenactors walk the men onto the field to ensure that this is the whitest sporting event in history. JOHN PAUL JONES is just screaming and laughing with black paint on his face. Luke P. warms everyone up in the locker room by screaming, “TODAY WE FIGHT. TODAY THEY DIE.” The crowd is chanting, “KILL HIM!” Hannah wants the guys to attack each other and draw blood and prove that they’re manly men. But don’t hurt each other. Let’s have a fun game, gang.
Some guy named Kevin that no one has met before instantly gets hurt and heads off to the hospital. Luke P. takes this as the opportunity to absolutely demolish every single dude on the green team. In a moment that was captured in the background, Luke S. charges at Luke P., and Luke P. picks Luke S. up and slams him into the ground.
Bitch, what? The entire crowd turns on Luke P. and he doesn’t know what he did wrong. It was self-defense. Against the political consultant that weighs like 50 pounds less than he does. Luke P. also knows he fucked up because he tries to chase after Luke S. as they’re leaving the field to “talk to him.” As they get ready for the cocktail party, the story keeps growing. Luke kneed him in the face. Luke S. was swinging at Luke P. Luke P. pulled out a rocket launcher and sent Luke S. flying.
At the cocktail party, Hannah takes Luke P. aside right away to tell him that he’s doing too much, he’s not listening to her, and she needs time to think about how she will absolutely not hold him accountable for his actions or enforce a meaningful boundary with him! Luke P. tells her that Luke S. is only there to promote his tequila brand and for some reason, that’s unacceptable. The entire cocktail party becomes about the Lukes and their drama. Luke P. says that he doesn’t remember but what happened … but this is what happened. Most of the other contesticles tell Hannah that they also have a problem with Luke P., but again, Hannah is going to take this really seriously and do relatively nothing about it. The other contesticles get up and walk away from Luke P. like that moment in 12 Angry Men when the one juror goes on a racist rant. Luke P. is actually 12 angry men.
Garrett and Peter try to make Hannah feel better to distract her from the Luke drama, and Garrett gets the first date rose.
The last date of the week is Tyler C.’s one-on-one. When he finds Hannah on the pier, staring out into the sea, she’s full on weeping in her fisherman’s sweater. Is this healthy for her? Should she be out at sea? Tyler decides to comfort her and it’s actually pretty sweet. I’m coming around on this very chiseled man. They head out on a lobster boat and catch, like, 45 lobsters.
Hannah clearly believes that she has to be chipper and happy all the time, and that’s what most of the guys are telling her they love the most about her, so to see Tyler let her be shaken up and calm her down is very attractive. Tyler talks about how he almost didn’t come on the show because his dad got sick, but his dad got better and he decided to go and is feeling things for Hannah he’s never felt before. He gets the rose.
It’s time for the rose ceremony cocktail party and Luke S. starts the night off by telling Luke P. he has to tell Hannah that he made up the thing about his tequila business. So Luke P. goes and tells Hannah that Luke S. was threatening him to tell her that Luke S. is a god among men and that he has no flaws. Luke P., you’re on TV. We can all see you.
Mike calls Luke P. a psychopath and some sort of “fucking millennial” and Luke P. Googles the definition of psychopath and tells the camera that that’s nothing like him. He also tells Mike that he had to defend himself, and Mike turns into Soulja Boy and screams, “LUUUUKE?! LUUUKE S.?!?” Mike tells Luke P. to come after him if he wants to defend himself. Mike for Bachelor.
Then Tyler C. says my favorite line of the episode: “I never knew you had a tequila business.”
Hannah is tired of all the running around and decides to take both of the Lukes aside to get to the bottom of Luke P.’s lies.
To be continued …