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The Bachelorette Recap: The Luke Ness Monster

The Bachelorette

Week Five
Season 15 Episode 5
Editor’s Rating *****

The Bachelorette

Week Five
Season 15 Episode 5
Editor’s Rating *****
Photo: Mark Bourdillon/ABC

We’ve got to establish a minimum age for The Bachelorette. Before you hit me with your hot takes, allow me to say back off. This is the time for my hot takes, and my spicy hot take is that Hannah is TOO YOUNG for this. Not only is Hannah too young — Luke P. is way too goddamn young. The idea that either of these people could be entering a lifelong and legally documented commitment is terrifying. Now, I’m not saying this because they’re young, but because they’re young. Hannah thinks that she can just explain to the guy she likes that he should learn to be a decent human being and then he will. She hasn’t been beaten down by the ravages of time to know that men are trash and cannot under any circumstances be trusted (unless they’re Chris Evans). She hasn’t hooked up with a guy whose bedroom is literally a pantry, looked around, and thought, “I have a degree in Agriculture and Natural Resources.”

And Luke P. Luke P. is sooooooooo young. He thinks that if he just makes enough shocked faces when a woman is repeating the lies he’s told then they’ll become true. He hasn’t been beaten down by life to become humble. He’s never been fired from his job at Coldstone Creamery during the Fourth of July ice-cream rush. I need these children to get some sort of life experience so they can attain the wisdom to know that neither of them is right for each other.

Because what I AM HAVING TO DEAL WITH is watching a repeat of the years 2012–2014 when I was a youth trying to convince dudes that it was a worthwhile endeavor to be kind and responsible and not generally sociopathic. I have gotten jobs for lazy-ass dudes that I’ve been dating because you should have a job, why don’t you realize that, Steve?! Everyone goes through a period when you’re clearly just dating guys who possess the worst qualities of your father figure and trying to fix them, but that time in your life should never be broadcast on national television. Let’s get to it.

UGH. We’re still dealing with the Lukes fiasco. Hannah has the bright idea to get both of the Lukes together and let them talk to each other with no mediation. This can only result in the two of them having a healthy dialogue where they reach a compromise that both men can respect. Luke S.’s tequila business isn’t even off the ground!

The camera just focuses on Hannah’s face as she stares into oblivion realizing that there is no God and no hope. She goes and stares into a fire, Monseigneur Claude Frollo style. Luke P. tells Luke S. that he didn’t knee him in the face, he was just stepping over him, man. Is that … better? Host Chris comes in and tells all the guys that the night is over. Hannah has fled the beautiful Gilded Age mansion because the walls are closing in. The Bachelorette is her gilded cage. The cocktail party is over and they’re heading straight into the rose ceremony.

Some dudes allegedly named Dustin and Devin and Kevin are frustrated that they haven’t gotten any time with Hannah. The fact that there are two guys with rhyming names and they haven’t been on a two-on-one date yet is a crime.

Luke S. takes Hannah aside before the start of the rose ceremony because he wants to explain his actions to her and allow production to edit this interaction in the most dramatic way possible. Luke S. takes on the role of being the Katie and the Sydney and the 200 other women who warned Colton about “the other girls in the house.” Luke S. tells Hannah to keep her eyes open and she knows what he’s talking about. You’re eliminating yourself and you need to get yourself more time at the reunion. NAME NAMES. Luke S. heads out and doesn’t even get an exit interview.

Host Chris takes one rose away and it’s finally time for the rose ceremony. Peter, Connor, Dylan, Dustin, Mike, Kevin, Devin, Grant, and Luke P. all get roses. Everyone is SHOCKED. The real shocker of the season is that JOHN PAUL JONES is going home so soon. We didn’t get nearly enough post-credit sequences of him shaking his hair in the wind.

Hannah explains that the guys might not understand because her heart wants him to be there even if her head doesn’t. She knows that there are red flags everywhere so she wants to explore the relationship further. Hannah would be the person in a horror movie to suggest going deeper into the haunted forest. Instead, Hannah says that they’re heading to Scotland. Luke takes this time to make a toast where he stares directly into Hannah’s soul with unflinching romantic terror.

It’s time for the first date of the week in Scotland. Hannah is ready to put all the drama behind her and have a good time.

The problem with this show is that when there are good, fun dates, it’s very hard to talk about it. All the guys are in a bar drinking when Hannah strolls in and plucks up Mike for her date. This date functions as Mike’s Bachelor audition reel, and he’s won my cynical ass over. #MikeForBachelor.

While they’re having a delightful time, Luke’s mouth has morphed into a completely straight line. When the other contesticles call him out, Luke just says that they’re all trying to be their best selves and he’s just trying to be the best self that his self can be and that’s all he can try to do. One thing he literally says is “Be my best self to be myself.” Bitch, I’m tired.

All the guys warn him to keep their names out of his mouth because when Luke starts repeating other dudes’ names, he always winds up telling Hannah that they’re not there for the right reasons. THEN EVERYONE STARTS SAYING “THE LUKE NESS MONSTER.” Everyone is really proud of themselves, and whoever started this nickname is really doing the Lord’s work.

Anyway, Mike and Hannah’s date is adorable because Mike is a lil’ sweetie pie. Hannah smells a book and puts a goose egg up to her ear. Y’all. I’m worried about her. She also says that southern women are whiskey in a teacup and she has to scramble to explain the metaphor: They’re “strong” on the inside and “ornate” on the outside.

On the evening portion of their date, Mike explains that he has trouble talking about love and it’s been almost half a decade since he’s been in love but he’s ready, he’s really ready. This is WAY better than someone trying to decipher the “I’m starting to fall in love with you” timeline. It feels really honest and acknowledges how difficult and nerve-racking love can be, but is still hopeful and sweet. #MikeForBachelor. He gets the rose.

Devin, Tyler, Jed, Dylan, Grant, Connor, Dustin, Peter, Kevin, and Garrett are off for the next group date and Luke grows stronger knowing he’s getting the one-on-one date. Everyone is excited to have a fun day without Luke. It’s just your standard, strange group-activity date, except for the fact that Hannah gets to see all their dicks. They all have to put on kilts and roll around on the ground. She gets butts. BUTTS.

Also, Hannah keeps getting these “roll around and fight dates.” Can we not equate violence with manliness? You just know the big Scottish guy who is our guide for this date loves exploring all parts of his gender identity.

Jed pours milk on himself and he gets the group date rose after Hannah straddles him in a hallway.

It’s time for Luke’s one-on-one date. My god, Hannah, DUMP HIM. He makes you feel terrible and like a crazy person. The phrase you’ve used the most with him is “red flags.” That in and of itself is a red flag. Luke meets Hannah on top of a cliff because we need some visual metaphors on this show. My problem with Hannah’s problem is that she doesn’t actually want to deal with the fact that all the guys in the house don’t like Luke, or the fact that he’s possessive when she’s known him for one week. Her problem is that he isn’t real enough. He’s not honest enough when it comes to admitting his myriad flaws. Wait … what? At one point, she begs him to talk about if he likes mac and cheese or spaghetti more. Okay, ma’am, if you describe your relationship with a guy as full of red flags, maybe his pasta choice isn’t the most pressing issue. I understand what she means — she wishes that she could move into the “regular relationship” phase of their relationship — but this is a guy with violent tendencies who insists on blaming others for his mistakes. Do not ask him about pasta.

She also makes the mistake of accepting when he strangely tries to assign some blame to her? In a weird way? She says, “Sure! Blame me! Because I can be on my knees in church crying and praying and a devilish bitch the next.” Oh. Ma’am. This performative humanity on your end is tiring. Please stop screaming “I WANT FEELINGS” at a man who has demonstrated he has no interest in them.

The episode ends with Hannah being utterly conflicted about giving him the rose because she has clearly laid out what she wants from him and she can see a road where he’s her future husband and one where that won’t happen. The future-husband road is still on the table?

Oh, Hannah.

To be continued …

The Bachelorette Recap: The Luke Ness Monster