Like Shakespeare’s finest works, every Bachelor date dutifully follows a five-act system: They flirt, they do an inoffensive activity, they share their biggest traumas in a tight 90-second anecdote, they push around prop food, and they play a li’l tonsil hockey at the end. Bachelor in Paradise contestant John Paul Jones does not know this. And John Paul Jones does not care. Because in perhaps the greatest date the franchise has ever aired, last night’s episode saw JPJ, basically a Crush the Turtle incarnate, happily (and then not so happily) chowing down on what appears to be … prop chicken? Fish? A salmonella delivery system? “This is real food!” he insists to his date, Tahzjuan, before a disturbingly long coughing spell. “I’m trying my best right now. I have a really sensitive stomach.” We dare not spoil the rest, but sadly, no chicken nuggets pop up. Maybe a flying bat does.