Yes, I’m writing this recap while standing up, and no, it’s not because I suffered an unfortunate incident à la Lauren Heller, who decided to sit on an ice sculpture while not wearing any underwear. (Not unfortunate: Lauren and Maggie possibly “rekindling” their relationship — the only recycled storyline I’m on board with at the moment.) It’s because, um, let me check my notes here, oh yes: CHARLES PROPOSED TO LIZA.
There I was, still catching my breath from Charles inviting Liza on a vacation that included a HARRY POTTER TOUR, when he goes and requests “Take My Breath Away” at Diana’s wedding (you may recall that back in season three, Charles and Liza danced to that song in the Hamptons before promptly smashing their faces together), asks Liza to dance, tells her that he’s only fallen deeper in love with her and cannot live without her, and then gosh dang asks Liza Miller to take him, Charles Brooks, as her lawfully wedded husband. Of course I stood up! I was ready for Liza to break that nice, tall man’s heart right there in the middle of the dance floor. But in a fate possibly worse (for us) than an outright no, Liza’s unable to answer and we’re left to imagine how this romantic entanglement is going to shake out for a truly lengthy hiatus. Yes or no, Charles better go on that fucking Harry Potter tour and there better be photos.
There are three reasons Liza is unable to answer Charles right away. First, there’s a physical barrier created when everyone starts dancing to “We Are Family” and Liza is surrounded by wedding guests having the time of their lives. Has Liza ever been so thankful for cheesy wedding music? Let’s be honest, if she had really been into the proposal, she could’ve yelled “yes, yes, one thousand times yes” across that dance floor and that giant stud would’ve airlifted her out. But she does not say anything, and being saved by a vertically endowed dreamboat on a wedding dance floor will have to remain a mere fantasy.
Another thing getting in the way of this proposal is Kelsey. At the start of “Forever,” Kelsey is adamant about leaving Millennial. She leaves her letter of resignation on Charles’s desk and informs Liza of her decision. Liza’s done a lot of selfish things on this show, but running away from Kelsey to try and steal her letter before Charles sees it is a new low. I mean, let the woman make her own choices! When Liza wanted to leave Millennial, Kelsey was very upset about it, but she knew Liza had to do what was best for her and they had a good cry in the lobby of a Frankfurt hotel and that was that. Thankfully, Liza’s plan to thwart Kelsey’s resignation falls to pieces since apparently Liza, a woman mostly known for lying, is actually terrible at lying. Charles catches her in the act, and while she fumbles around for a cover story about what she’s doing in his office, Kelsey comes in and tells Charles in person: She’s leaving and there’s no offer he can make to get her to stay. Their hug is very cute!
Kelsey’s plan is to start her own company, but she’s finding that thanks to her meme and lack of funding, it might be impossible. She meets with Zane to get his business advice, which is “don’t do it,” and it ends up turning into a rehashing of their breakup. Zane’s heartbroken that Kelsey wouldn’t let him be there for her, that when things are going poorly career-wise, she refuses to be in a relationship. He tells her that when she decides she wants more out of life, she should tell him. I really hope these two dummies work it out because I honestly don’t want to see either of them with anyone else. Be in love, please!
Kelsey heads to Liza’s for advice, but runs into Maggie instead (yes, it’s weird). Maggie reminds Kelsey to believe in herself and also that sometimes to get what you want you have to “get in bed with the devil.” This piece of advice (Mags is always hit or miss on the advice front) leads Kelsey to the boardroom of none other than Quinn Tyler. As terrible as Quinn is, she apparently does not harbor grudges, and is into Kelsey’s resilience. This is happening (again), people!
Well, until Charles hears about it. He knows Kelsey wants to own something that’s hers and when he sits down next to her before Diana’s wedding, he makes her a pretty tempting offer: She built Millennial, and he’ll give her enough shares to make her ownership official — shares that come with a seat on the board. It’s a family-owned company, and Kelsey is family. He wants her to “come back home.” She’ll think about it, probably because Charles doesn’t once mention how fabulous her metallic dress and matching headband are. I mean, that’s why I would hesitate on an offer like that.
This wedding is supposed to be about celebrating Diana and Enzo, but it’s honestly a great day for Kelsey. Not only does she get that huge job offer, but when Zane arrives at her side during the ceremony, she grabs his hand—she wants more, she wants him — and just like that, those two are back on. He probably tells her her dress is perfect later. I’d assume.
But the celebrating isn’t over for Kelsey Peters! She has an answer for Charles, and she decides to let him know just as he’s asked Liza to marry him. “I do!” Kelsey yells, not realizing what she’s just interrupted. I WILL FORGIVE HER BUT ONLY BECAUSE OF THE DRESS. Okay, and the handholding with Zane. You guys, it was so cute and I’m really rooting for them.
Liza’s probably thankful for the interruption and that is because of the third and final reason she hesitates to give Charles an answer: Josh. You didn’t think Josh wouldn’t be playing a part in this whole proposal thing, did you? The love triangle looms! Josh is at Diana’s wedding as Lauren’s plus-one, but also to see Liza. He doesn’t like how they ended things — I mean, I’m still traumatized! — and he wants to ask her if she’s okay with Infinitely 21 licensing the hourglass tattoo Josh gave her when they were together for the Inkburg collaboration. After some thought, she decides she’s not okay with it. It belongs to them, to her.
Obviously, Josh is thrilled with this decision because he knows it means what we all know it means: She’s not over Josh. She’s clearly thinking about Josh as “Take My Breath Away” comes on and Charles takes her out on the dance floor. This is all extremely exhausting and I might not even care who she ends up with anymore because GET A GRIP, LADY. At least with a proposal on the table, Liza will have to make a real choice in season seven. I mean, unless we’re headed for Liza leaving Charles at the altar, which like, don’t put that past her.
It’s Trout Season
• Honestly, I wanted so much more for Queen Trout’s wedding — we didn’t even get vows to make me weep into a pillow? What kind of wedding is this?! — but Diana and Enzo both look so happy, it’s hard to be disappointed for too long. You guys, he bought her a giant statement necklace as a wedding gift. They are truly meant for each other!
• Okay, at least we got Uncle Joe and his “Trout Jumping Out of a Toilet” ice sculpture present. Enzo’s godfather (lowercase ‘g’) is a treasure and I do hope one day Maggie gets his frozen works in a gallery. All the good things for Uncle Joe!
• Diana and Liza meet with Redmond, our one, true (only) agent, who takes some pretty hard digs at Millennial now that Kelsey’s left and the imprint is being run by, well, not millennials. Although, he does stop short of insulting Diana. He knows she’s a queen to be treasured and calls her “ageless.” She still takes it as an insult, though: She think it sounds like he’s describing “a carpet for high-traffic areas.”
• Obviously, the star of the episode is Diana’s wedding gown (see also: her hair), but can we acknowledge her pink-and-purple suit situation? It deserves a moment.
• Yes, Diana’s eye does twitch every time someone calls her “Mrs. DeLuca” and it isn’t lost on Enzo. See? Meant for each other!
• No big deal, still tearing up thinking about Diana and Liza’s tearful scene in the car before Diana walks into the church. THOSE TWO ARE MY FAVORITE TWO.
• “How can you be so bad at this maid of honor stuff? You’re a thousand years old, this can’t be your first rodeo.” I will never tire of Diana making digs at Liza’s age. NEVER.