Before you keep reading this article, we have to verify: are you Tom Holland? Don’t lie to us, Tom Holland. If you are Tom Holland, please would you kindly close this tab and go back to preparing for your role as “Village Boy” in the film adaptation of Untitled Goose Game, or whatever it is you’re up to.
… Is he gone? Good. We couldn’t bear to break the poor boy’s heart again. Last night on Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Gwyneth Paltrow, who played Pepper Potts in seven Marvel films, still hasn’t seen either of the Spiders-Man in which she’s appeared. Has she learned nothing from the Jon Favreau incident? Or the Great Sebastian Stan Who-ing of 2019? Or the time she didn’t know why Samuel L. Jackson was at a Marvel photo shoot? When Jimmy Kimmel asked “was Spider-Man himself offended” by her not knowing that these films in which she acted even existed, all she could say was “I never actually saw the movie.” The Goop CE-OOP simply cannot be bothered.
Speaking of Goop and not knowing things, Kimmel then asked Paltrow to talk about some of her wellness brand’s products, which caused her to basically reenact her Weekend Update confused Goop employee character in real time. Regarding the glass water bottle with a giant amethyst crystal inside ($84): “This is an amethyst … and they say that amethyst, I think it’s supposed to be a heart opening or something?” When Kimmel basically won an investigative journalism Peabody by countering “who says this?” Gwyneth said “I don’t know, but it’s so pretty!” She had also never tried the camel milk they promote (subscriptions run for $205 monthly), about which she raves, “I think they purport … to have put … it’s more vitamins?” and, glowingly, “apparently it’s really from camel!”
Paltrow also spoke about coupling extremely consciously with her husband, The Politician creator Brad Falchuk, explaining that they only moved in together a month ago, around a year after getting married. He wrote her Politician character explicitly for her, which pulled her away from her day job of not drinking camel milk out of an amethyst bottle. The Kimmel episode also feature a cooking segment, in which no Spider-Men were who’d or harmed.