The saga of Abbi being allergic to both the idea of work and the mere sight of physical labor comes to a swift and tearful close when she informs Simone, while undoing the ponytail that physically and symbolically constrains her, that she wants to quit. Brian comes downstairs and she tells him the same thing. In her confessional, she explains that this isn’t the job for her because of “the level of perfectionism and the level of professionalism that’s necessary.” Yeah, it’s terrible when a job comes with standards. How dare jobs!
Over in Guest Land, it’s the middle of the afternoon, yet one requests a round of Fireball shots, which results in an eruption of squeals and one, “I’m gonna throw up.”
Brian beelines to Ashton’s side where he reports that Abbi is crying and wants to quit. As he does this, the editors, obviously having fun with Abbi’s millennial-ness, cut to shots of her wearing sunglasses and walking around her bunk like she has Tanner’s virus. Ashton goes to see her and she cries again. Ashton claims that Abbi’s misery breaks his heart, which is ridiculous. I know she got a harsh edit but I do not feel bad for Abbi because she couldn’t handle this job. I feel only bad for her that she doesn’t know that getting proposed to over text message is a deeply bad sign.
Ashton worries about finding someone “qualified” to come to Thailand after this charter to replace Abbi, and asks to meet with Captain Lee to tell him the news. “Classic example of mouth writing a check that your ass can’t cash,” says Lee. I love Captain Lee but we’re seven seasons in — maybe the producers need to Thesaurus.com some new one-liners for him.
Ashton tells Tanner and Brian that Abbi is leaving. Tanner is so sick he can’t hydrate or keep any food down, but now he has to do extra work while Abbi is allowed to wear her sunglasses indoors and meander about the crew quarters to processes her emotions about quitting a job she held for eight days.
While the guests go to a water park, Kevin corners Kate to tell her the night’s menu. After a course of scallops with chorizo, he goes “the beef tongue is gonna be grilled.” Kate says, “Beef tongue. Wow.” Hey, these guests did Fireball in broad daylight — he could probably serve them a can of tuna and they wouldn’t care so long as there were also enough Stacy’s pita chips to line their stomachs for the next day’s binge drinking.
Kate pops into her bunk, which she shares with Abbi. She casually asks how Abbi’s day is, and Abbi says, “Good. I mean, I’m leaving.” Kate, stunned, reminds her that the job only lasts for another month and asks if she’s sure. Yes, Abbi says, she is a millennial work pansy and she just can’t be bothered to try.
The guests come back from the water park in spectacular style, falling between the dingy and the yacht, breasts maybe popping out of one-pieces. Meanwhile, Kevin unwraps his beef tongue, which looks phallic and slimy and like it really does need to be handled with the latex gloves he’s slipped on just for this occasion.
Simone sees Tanner getting ready for bed and goes, “You sound—” and Tanner says, “Like a bag of dicks?” Or a bag of beef tongues.
Tonight is the full-moon-themed dinner, which Kate has clearly Googled well enough to know that “mushroom tea” is typically enjoyed at such an event? (Command+F for “mushroom” on the Full-Moon Party Wikipedia page does not return a result.) Instead of attempting to make real mushroom tea, which probably wouldn’t exactly sit well after an afternoon of fireball, she ingeniously just plops some mushrooms into a strong vodka lemonade. She then serves it in giant neon goblets with about eight plastic straws per person, proving that Below Deck can always find ways to increase its carbon footprint.
Captain Lee and the guests love Kevin’s scallops. Kevin comes out to tell the guests that up next is a course of beef tongue. “I just really want you to try it because I don’t think you’re ever going to order it on a menu,” he says.
“I wanna know whose preference sheet said they wanted tongue!” one lady shouts.
Lee stares down the table like he’s going to throw Kevin on it and stab him with the decorative starfish. But then everyone tastes it and says it’s delicious and they all enjoy making terrible sexual jokes. (“I’ve never had such good tongue!”)
Speaking of sexual: Ashton and Brian, who are the last two somewhat functioning deckhands, have to break from squeegeeing to take their tops off and paint each other’s pectorals, so they can serve dessert as neon-painted “Full Moon Party” men. I will never get tired of this show’s willingness to exploit its hot male talent. Kate pulls Courtney aside after they appear tableside with little caramel blobs to gasp over Brian’s “penis ravine” which is so firm, “it’s like a bone.”
Tableside, the following exchange occurs:
Guest: “His pants are so low I keep thinking he’s naked.”
Other guest: “That’s the second time today!”
After dinner, Lee stalks into the kitchen to make Kevin nervous. “About dinner,” he says, before telling him everything was perfect. But in order to continue their feud, which the producers desperately need since this season’s drama has so far amounted to a lazy millennial quitting and a stew doing lots of laundry and disliking it behind her boss’s back, Lee suggests Kevin won’t be able to keep it up. Kevin’s annoying, yes, but he does seem to actually care about doing a good job, so unlike Captain Lee I’m not getting my hopes up for a frozen tater tot coming out of his kitchen any time soon.
The next morning, the first guest is on deck ordering an iced coffee at 7:30. Abbi is sort of Swiffering something since she technically still works here, even though she clearly cares 90 percent less than she did when she first got on the boat. Courtney does laundry so Simone can break from it and complains, “Why isn’t Simone doing laundry?” while the editors cut to Simone spraying a toilet.
Tanner is still barely able to move, yet Kate is the only one who has the idea to check on him and tell Captain Lee he needs help. She walks into the wheelhouse and Lee says, “You know what I hate? Green-tea mouthwash.”
Abbi prepares to leave the boat and realizes she doesn’t know where to go or what to do when she’s off. Kate informs her that the shitty thing about quitting a yacht is that no matter where in the world you are, once you quit, you’re homeless. She suggests Abbi go to the airport. If Abbi can’t even wipe a boat and use her radio at the same time, it’s painful to think about how she’s going to handle getting herself home at the last minute from Thailand.
After the guests depart, Abbi is called to the wheelhouse. She tells Lee not to take her quitting personally. Lee’s like Oh, I don’t really care, here’s your passport and your money and don’t let Kevin slap your ass with a beef tongue on your way out. She leaves the boat in a neon dress that makes her look like a piñata to pursue her very specific life passion of “sailing in Greece with Patrick.”
Tanner learns he has “sweet belly,” which is a viral stomach infection, and decides he’s never eating a cheeseburger in Thailand ever again. That’s the perfect way to sum up Tanner — he’s the guy who goes to Thailand and orders a cheeseburger.
Brian asks Kate if he can steal Courtney and Kate says yes because “someone needs to bang Brian.” In what’s the best, hottest date in Below Deck history, Brian takes Courtney on the tender out to sea, where they flirt and splash in the water and drink beer but avoid getting drunk. “What would you do if you didn’t do yachting?” he asks Courtney, who replies, “I would be, like, a lady at the house.” This is what I admire about Courtney — she knows she wants to be lazy but she also knows she has to work until her world changes and she’s able to be lazy. Whereas Abbi expects the world to adapt to her laziness.
Brian also asks Courtney, who is 26, if she has a boyfriend or a kid and she’s like, “No,” and he goes, “But aren’t you 30 years old?”
When they get back, Ashton is jealous, even though he doesn’t actually like Courtney, he just wants to bang a sentient being. The six crew members share one taxi out into the night to find more stomach viruses. They go to a bar called the Library, which has stacks of books for décor and is probably the closest anyone on this show, guests and crew included, has come in physical proximity to an actual book in quite some time.
Brian gets Ashton to go for Kate because when he’s drunk he’s “such a cock block.” Ashton is so drunk that he does, and ends up kissing Kate, who later says, “I pulled away like it was my cousin and I was scared.”
Back at the boat, Ashton, Courtney, and Brian are sharing a snack. Then Brian goes to bed, and Ashton’s like, “That’s not cool.” Courtney says she doesn’t care. Ashton says, “You’re actually very sensible. You’re very grown up, even though you’re not as old as what you look. You are as mature as every one of your positive features make you out to look like.”
Courtney describes Ashton’s continued attempts to get her to have sex with him “astonishing” and goes to bed.
Next week, a new deckhand who Ashton knows joins the boat to replace Abbi. It can only be: Ross, Rhylee, or Tyler. My money’s on Tyler, which means Courtney is going to have to fend off yet another bro’s horrifying advances.