The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Do you feel it? Do you feel the darkness closing in around us? There’s, of course, the actual literal darkness. The sun set at 4:41 today. And yes, I know that the sun setting earlier happens EVERY YEAR and it’s a function of the NORMAL ROTATION OF THE EARTH, but it still feels awful. And then … there is the emotional darkness. Dumb alt-right trolls are flooding the Dancing with the Stars phone lines to keep Sean Spicer on the show. This is a real thing that’s happening on our Earth. So, there is something sinister creeping in on all sides that makes it difficult to get out of bed. But just when you think you can’t go on, just when sitting in the bath eating Reese’s Cups doesn’t seem to work anymore — Kenya Moore Daly is motherfucking back.
I turned to my boyfriend and said out loud, “This is the best show on television” and I meant every single word of that sentence. This show just gets it. I want a “Premiere Party” for a 7-month-old baby held in a strip-mall event space. I want random clips of a vlogger screaming about rumors and cheating in her living room. I desperately want a montage of a fight breaking out in a hotel room with Porsha screaming “Where is security?” They’ve done this trick before, but it works every single time. Since Game of Thrones went off the air, we’ve been looking for the next prestige drama, and it is Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Let’s get to it.
Kenya’s delusional self is back. She’s lounging around in bed wearing a strapless maxi dress and full hair and makeup waiting for her baby to wake up. She says that her baby is “tailor made” for her because Brooklyn doesn’t cry or fuss and there can be only one “turn-up queen in this house.” Imagine saying you’re grateful to your baby for not stealing your spotlight. Even as a joke. This baby will have a looooooong journey ahead of her. What follows is a montage of Kenya’s worst moments. When I die, I hope someone cuts together a Real Housewives–style montage about my contributions to the shady arts.
Unfortunately for Kenya, she’s feeling a little down because her very real husband, Marc, has to spend time in New York for business. Even though he has a 7-month-old child. Ugh, to be a man.
Then it’s time to check in with Porsha, our dear, sweet Porsha. She is going through it. PJ is only 2 months old and Dennis has been kicked out. Porsha went on his phone and discovered that he’d been cheating on her while she was pregnant. Of course, Porsha delivers this in a talking-head interview, but the show also chooses to communicate this information to us by showing a slo-mo compilation of Porsha and Dennis’s relationship with ominous piano music. Dennis has sent Porsha 200 roses, which isn’t exactly the absolute correct thing to do when it’s been discovered that you’ve cheated on your pregnant fiancée, but it’s certainly a start. Porsha isn’t choosing to tell her mom and her sister everything, but considering there are vloggers screaming about Dennis’s behavior, they might not be in the dark.
This season seems very “baby” and “the father of my child is absent” focused. Everybody better be on high alert if their husband or boyfriend suddenly starts getting texts in the middle of the night.
Also: WHERE IS NENE? WHERE IS NINNETHIA LEAKES? Why is she not on my television screen? We’re in a season where Kenya is back and I didn’t get any commentary from NeNe Leakes about her and that weird-ass party? How can a season of Atlanta premiere and we get zero NeNe?
Kandi is having feelings about her surrogate carrying her and Todd’s child. Ace seems to think that they’re buying a baby sister in a store, so Kandi and Todd are preparing to take him to their next appointment with the surrogate. Eva is meeting with her husband and she’s pregnant with baby No. 3. She’s also looking for a house. On whose dollar, Eva?
Meanwhile, Cynthia is bringing Mike “Chill” Hill a glass of wine in bed. She drank half of it, sure, but she’s thirsty. Mike is trying to coordinate their summer schedule when Cynthia starts asking when he’s going to propose because she’s 52 and why can’t they just get engaged? She knows what kind of ring she wants and she’s been posting wedding dresses on Instagram but she’s not pressuring Mike. You also know she’s head over heels for this dude because she immediately takes her wig off when he asks her to.
Porsha is at home when her sister comes to check in on her and encourages her to get out and do something fun. Porsha says she’ll work up the nerve to go out, and then getting dressed takes longer and longer and she looks up and it’s 6 p.m. So she doesn’t get dressed because she’ll feel just as terrible outside the house, so what’s the point? She breaks down crying and, oh man, I want to run Dennis over with my car. I know it won’t help, but it would send a message.
It’s hard enough to have your fiancée cheat on you but she JUST HAD A BABY. She has one of those tiny babies that can’t even do anything yet. Going through all this bullshit on top of no sleep and dirty diapers is just too much. She says she hopes to wake up and it’s all a joke or a dream. As someone who has been cheated on and seen people close to me get cheated on, that’s absolutely 100 percent the most accurate way to describe how you feel in the first few weeks after it all comes to light. I just want the best for Porsha. She and I have come a long way, truly.
At an OLG across town, Eva, Cynthia, and Kandi have a completely unstaged run-in with a woman who allegedly had an affair with Dennis. She sends a drink over to Kandi and comes over to reassure them that she’s never even met Dennis. Her name is Sincerely and I simply cannot and will not process that. She says she doesn’t want to see the destruction of a beautiful Black family. Sincerely is both her name and how she sees the world.
Apparently Dennis was also using drugs and engaging in bestialitiy?!? I’M SORRY. WHAT? No. No. No. No no no no no. Nope. Nah. Nuh-uh. At one point in the episode, they show Dennis being into Porsha wearing a doggy onesie with a tail. WE SHALL NOT LIVE LIKE THIS. (Is it possible he’s just a furry but no one knows what that is so they got it mixed up? I hope so.)
It’s time for Brooklyn’s Barbie Bash, y’all. They put this baby who can barely sit up in a tiny car and roll her into the party BEHIND Kenya dancing in her Carrie Bradshaw season-6 dress. Everyone has to dress as their favorite Barbie. Cynthia shows up as “Thirsty Bride Barbie” with her niece in tow to be her flower girl. There is also no one at this party. They have to keep creatively editing to not show all the empty tables. There is also a child DJ. Kenya, no one knows what a baby coming-out party is.
Eva, Cynthia, and Kandi all decide not to tell Porsha at this party because that would be a terrible idea, but of course, Kenya doesn’t give a shit. Eva also says she didn’t bring her 15 kids because she didn’t know if Kenya was going to start some drama and Eva doesn’t trust her yet. Somehow, Eva, Cynthia, and Kandi end up telling Kenya about Sincerely and because Kenya is physically incapable of being discreet, Kenya tells Porsha.
Kenya acts like she doesn’t want to get the information wrong even though she has literally all of the information that exists, so she gets Kandi, Eva, and Cynthia to gather ’round and tell Porsha what happened. Kandi is not pleased. They reluctantly tell her the info and Porsha agrees that it’s minorly good news but it doesn’t make her feel completely better. She’s just … embarrassed.
Seeing how we’re going to get from this emotionally fragile crew to the explosion in that hotel room is going to be a treat. Also – WHERE IS NENE?!