I’ve already seen Cats twice and lived to tell the tale — tail? Sorry! — but both times, I’ve thought, Oh God, this would be better with a drink in my hand. In fact, they were handing out “meow-mosas” at the screening I attended, and I still regret my choice not to grab one. Learn from my mistakes with Vulture’s very official Cats drinking game. [Editor’s note: We here at Vulture would never encourage you to sneak a bottle of wine into a movie theater. Absolutely not. Nope.]
Drink whenever a cat makes you feel horny. Drink again to make yourself feel less weird about being horned up for a cat.
Drink anytime you spot a pair of toes and feel a deep sense of horror. (You can also drink whenever you spot a cat in shoes and are extremely grateful.)
Drink when you realize you actually know none of the words to “Jellicle Cats.” Like “practical cats, dramatical cats, pragmatical cats, fanatical cats, oratorical cats, delphic-oracle cats, skeptical cats, dispeptical cats,” and so forth.
Drink anytime there is a scene on a barge on the Thames. This drink is purely to pass the time because these scenes are boring and unnecessary. The iconic stage musical didn’t need a plot, and neither did this movie. If it was good enough for Betty Buckley, it’s good enough for us!!!!
Drink whenever the CGI fur disturbs you.
Drink whenever Jason Derulo forgets his British accent. Also drink for the two words when Taylor Swift remembers hers.
Drink if and when you experience any real joy. (Possible sippable moments include when Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat is tap-dancing and Gus the Theater Cat is monologuing.)
Drink whenever you think a cat is about to make out with another cat but then just nuzzles them hypersexually instead.
Drink anytime a shot is framed exactly like Anne Hathaway singing “I Dreamed a Dream” in Les Misérables. Tom Hooper, please, I beg you, learn to shoot another shot.
Drink anytime a one-liner from Rebel Wilson makes you yearn for death.
Drink anytime you find yourself wondering exactly how big a cat in Cats actually is because none of the human objects seem at all proportional. (Extra sip when you spot the world’s largest bowl of peas.)
Drink when you start wondering why Idris Elba is the only cat with abs.
Drink when you realize Cat Judi Dench and Cat Ian McKellen have definitely fucked.
Drink anytime Macavity teleports (?) another cat (??) using magic (???) that turns it into dust (????).
Drink at Jennifer Hudson’s exquisite growl during “Memory” when she sings, “It’s so EASY to LEAVE me.”
Drink if you don’t think cats belong in balloons.
Drink when Judi Dench breaks the fourth wall and you realize the cats knew you were watching them all along.
Finish your drink when you realize you still don’t really know what constitutes a Jellicle Cat.
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