The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Kenya Moore Daly is a woman who does not live on our plane of reality. She’s a plane-walker who slips effortlessly between her reality and our own. She brings with her shreds of a reality we can’t see. You could strain your eyes for days, weeks, and never see the shroud of ephemera that surrounds her like so many puffs of La Dame fragrance. This bitch is truly not of our world and y’know what, I’d love to see what her world looks like. A world where it’s perfectly okay to show up to someone else’s wig party with the saddest marching band in human existence to promote your own hair-care line.
Because even in the Real Housewives Cinematic Universe, this is a bit much. I fully understand if Kenya wanted to show up to a brunch with the gals with some sort of feather boa and her own fainting couch. I fully understand if Kenya wanted to throw a Marlo-piñata party where she made piñatas of Marlo and had her guests hit them with big sticks. BUT TO SHOW UP AT MARLO’S HAUTE, ELEGANT, RADICAL HAIR INSTALLATION WITH A TWO-MAN BAND?!?! That’s unreasonable even for a fundamentally unreasonable woman.
But let’s all be honest — we need it. We craaaaaaaaaave exactly what Kenya brings to the table: unstable, unmitigated gall. We need Kenya because — yes, I’m going to say it, because it’s absolutely true — we definitely don’t need NeNe anymore.
The mark of a great Housewife is that she’s able to support a bare minimum of two story lines at a time. She’s gotta have something with the other Housewives and something on her own. She’s gotta be feuding with someone because they wore the same outfit to an event and starting her own schnapps line. She’s got to push someone into the seafood tower and be renovating yoga studios in the Hamptons with her estranged, much older husband. But NeNe? She’s got her feud with Cynthia … and that’s it. And worst of all, her feud with Cynthia happened offscreen between seasons. What are we supposed to do with that? So many of these women had the sense to have a baby, a broke-ass husband, and a vague business venture all in one season. I’m gonna need NeNe to reveal that she’s Banksy if she expects to keep that peach.
Let’s get to it.
Honestly, this episode doesn’t have a ton of narrative meat on its bones, but one thing you can always count on with the Atlanta ladies is that it’s fun as hell. Just some of the scene setups alone gave me a giggle. Porsha and Tanya going for electro-sculpting. Cynthia shopping for an ax. Yovanna attempting to be relevant.
Porsha and Tanya are hanging out so Porsha can accelerate her post-baby recovery. Not because she’s doing it for a man, but because she had a C-section, which is major fucking surgery. They cut all the way through her muscles and shit to get a baby out of her! Porsha’s weird screams while she’s getting this done are very hilarious. She just wants to make sure her wig looks right.
The social event of the episode is Marlo’s wig launch, and she’s sent a group text to everyone inviting them. Kenya might not go because … well, she’s Kenya. Tanya also has the great idea that they should take a trip together, so she runs off to get the props. She runs back in wearing half Carnival gear! They’re going to Toronto! Porsha says if she can’t get to the Caribbean with Rihanna, she’ll take Tanya. They both twerk in this faux doctor’s office. There are two weeks till the trip!
Up next are Kandi and Todd. OH LORD. TODD. WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING? Between them, they’ve got not a small number of kids and this fool is sitting up here being like, “I don’t need to give my kids positive encouragement.” Can he just NOT? Also, there’s a video clip of Todd circulating on Twitter where he’s been out at the club with a days-old baby at home. Todd.
His daughter Kaela comes over because she’s getting ready to move to New York to work in the fashion industry. Is everyone in their household a mumble talker? Riley barely moves her teeth when she talks, and Kaela looks like she might slip into REM sleep during their conversation. Apparently, Todd and Kaela haven’t been talking for the last month, and Kaela thinks Todd needs to get better at expressing affection. Todd says he’s just trying to make her tough and he was raised the same way. Ugh. I’m over this. I’m over men trying to disguise their complete inability to emotionally relate to another human being as a deliberate choice. Just admit that you’re out of touch with your own feelings and go. Kandi is worried that Todd is only like this with his male children and they’re about to have a baby. Kandi. He’s about to be popping bottles on a Tuesday and Wednesday while you’re at home with a 2-day-old baby. You have no idea.
Kandi takes a break from her husband’s inability to speak to a young lady and goes to have lunch with NeNe. NeNe is so out of the loop that she doesn’t know anything that’s going on in Kandi’s life and she’s trying to feign being interested and supportive. But she’s mostly trying to drum up support for her anti-Cynthia campaign, and she’s got evidence. Someone (YOVANNA, CLEARLY YOVANNA) recorded Cynthia talking shit about NeNe. What more evidence does anyone need? Cynthia has been doing radio interviews calling NeNe toxic. Does Cynthia admit to being the Ukraine whistle-blower on the tapes? NeNe says that she’s got a life coach now and she’s trying to be above it, but she would like to play the tapes for everyone, though.
Kandi lets Cynthia and Kenya know that NeNe’s got receipts and no one seems that concerned. Cynthia pegs Marlo and YOVANNA as the two best suspects and just laughs it off. This is not looking good for NeNe.
It’s time for the wig event. Look at this unorganized weird-ass event. There’s a flower wall with heads sticking out of it. Marlo is wearing one bejeweled slide and she’s literally leaning on her niece and nephew for support. She also refuses to put down the microphone when she’s haranguing Kenya. She’s saying everything into the microphone and she’s still yelling. There is a very boring wig-styling contest. So when Kenya comes marching in, she’s really knocking down a house of cards.
Marlo attempts to be the bigger person, but after about eight minutes, she’s ready to kick Kenya’s ass to the curb. NeNe decides that she’s not sticking around for when things get ugly. Yovanna chases after NeNe in the most hopeless attempt for screen time. She runs out after NeNe’s car and nearly jumps through the window to get her to stay.
Kenya says that her intrusion is just a stroke of marketing genius. Synergy. OF COURSE. Kenya is delusional and a monster and she’s perfect. Porsha laughs so hard it’s just screams and then falls on the floor. In this moment, I am Porsha. Porsha is me. While the ladies recover from Kenya’s removal, Cynthia tries to say that she was excited to see Kenya, and Porsha shuts that all the way down.
As Kenya drives away with her cousin, we hear her say, “I’m a businesswoman. I’m a business, woman.” She’s a terrorist and I love it.