The Real Housewives of Atlanta
All right, all right. Siiiiiiiiiiigh. All right. ALL RIGHT. I can’t even believe I’m saying this, but it has to be said: What do we have to do to set up Cynthia as the Grand Dame of Atlanta and just quietly and slowly phase NeNe out? I always need NeNe to be bringing it, and NeNe is just not bringing it right now. She’s sending, ugh, Yovanna to the wine cellar for recon about Cynthia, and they’re still replaying that damn interview where NeNe calls Cynthia “desperate” and “weak.” NeNe isn’t getting invited to the Bailey-Que and she’s so gotdamm pressed about it. Unless NeNe can get over herself, apologize, and start getting invited to group events, I’m going to have to call it: Cynthia will now be the primary peach holder. Listen, I just respond to the environment.
And why is Cynthia the one to carry that responsibility? I don’t know if she’s fully ready, but the reintroduction of Kenya has really lit a fire under her butt. The tension between both Kenya and Cynthia’s deep need for approval and their deep, deep need to never feel slighted is exactly the recipe for constant drama. You’re probably saying, “Why can’t Kenya be the Grand Dame?” We all know she can’t. We … just all know that. So it falls to Cynthia and her ability to set up a party with the purpose of everyone reading each other. I’m ready for a new era with Cynthia as our shady overlord. Let’s get to it.
Cynthia starts the episode off by inviting all the gals to her Red or Get Read Party. It can’t rival NeNe’s All White Girls & Gays Seafood Soiree Never Forget Fun Run Race 4 the Cure, but it’s a pretty great party name and idea. The invite list gets even more exclusive, and not just because Cynthia is not inviting babies, because babies should not be present for a party where the primary activity is reading the shit out of your friends. But Cynthia has invited everyone else except NeNe, and that’s the way it has to be.
Later, Porsha heads to a dance class with a bunch of confused white moms. They clearly set up this class just for the episode, and it’s very apparent this isn’t real when Kenya shows up in skinny jeans and six-inch heels. Porsha judges Kenya for showing up in heels, and Kenya judges Porsha for twerking (a.k.a. dancing) at a baby dance class. The two of them sit down and talk about how their children look like their fathers and how that’s an insult to the very concept of motherhood.
Also, the editors this season are not holding back with those confessional interviews. They leave in an extended moment of Porsha searching for the word “boundaries.”
“Guidelines? No, what is it? Borders? What is it?” They didn’t have to do that to her.
Kenya slowly opens up to Porsha about her issues with Marc. Kenya has this habit of saying incredibly painful things as if they are things we all know and accept. “Being a new mom, right? Not having sex with your husband because he refuses to sleep alone in a bed with you, am I right? Feeling like you’re in constant competition for your husband’s love and affection with a baby that’s barely sentient? Mondays, huh?” Porsha lacks Kandi’s “tact” and just looks Kenya in the eyes and says, “Nooooooooooo Kenya. That must feel like a bad sign.” Kenya just shrugs and says, “It’s 5 o’clock somewhere!”
Okay. Then, Kandi moves her 16-year-old daughter into a $5,500 a month apartment in NYC for her internship. Two bedrooms, one bath, one completely entitled teen. Apparently Riley wants to be a lawyer, so Kandi set her up with an internship with her entertainment lawyer. Oh, Riley also HAS A PORSCHE. What. When I was 16, I did a summer program in New York City and I stayed in a Parsons college dorm, and once a week, the elevator would break down and we would have to climb up 13 floors. Riley talks through her teeth and doesn’t know that refrigerators don’t all come with ice machines. Kandi laughs that her daughter is like the kids from Blackish: entitled, privileged, and out of touch. Kandi, do you realize that you gave your daughter a two-bedroom apartment in NYC and a Porsche? She didn’t get them on her own. You could end this.
There are a few little interludes where NeNe sits down with Marlo and Yovanna and they enable her to not apologize, and Porsha can’t find a nanny, but then it’s time for the Bailey-Que! Kenya has made a full tray of lobster tails and Eva made bean dip, which really illustrates the difference between them. Kenya decides that she cannot accept a gift from Eva because of the bad-energy implications so she’s going to regift it to Porsha … in front of Eva. Dear God, someone stop this mess. (Please don’t stop this mess.) Cynthia also budged on her no-baby policy because Porsha doesn’t trust her nanny well enough to be a nanny, so now there’s babies at the party.
Everyone shows up in their red finest and everyone’s titties are out and ready to play. For some reason, Yovanna is introducing the drama at the Bailey-Que and accusing Cynthia of showing more loyalty to Kenya and acting out of anger. Who the fuck are you, Yovanna? Cynthia tells her if she’s coming in here to bring tea back to NeNe, Cynthia is NOT interested and she told Yovanna how she was feeling. In the Housewives Cinematic Universe, if you tell someone how you’re feeling, you can’t receive any feedback or criticism on those feelings.
It’s time for Kenya to give Porsha her regifted gift. Instead of just letting Porsha be happy about the cute gift, Kenya smiles like a damn weirdo and tells her that the doll had another home. Did the doll leave the other home willingly? Porsha stomps outside and tells Eva exactly what went down. Eva starts to get riled up and it only gets worse when Marlo arrives. Take away NeNe’s peach, give it to Marlo, make NeNe friend of the show, and generate a fake and complicated home life for Marlo that Bravo would be willing to air.
Kenya tells Eva that her feelings aren’t hurt because she would have to care about Eva for her feelings to be hurt. Then why are you doing any of this, Kenya? Then Cynthia tries to jump in and Kenya jumps down her throat to tell her to stop. I GASPED. I GASPED. Then Marlo jumps in to go after Eva to tell her there’s obviously a difference between what Eva wants to say and what she says. She says that Eva isn’t living the life she wants to live. Then Eva gets up and shouts as she leaves, “I’m pregnant. She has no idea what that’s like!” I screamed, DEAR READERS, I SCREAMED.
So what happens now? The target of a lot of shade has left. Marlo and Yovanna decide to jump on Cynthia and Kenya for being too submissive in their relationships. That delicious tension. Kenya is too submissive in her marriage and that’s somehow Marlo’s business. Cynthia lets her more aggressive friends run all over her. Kandi and Cynthia’s sister Mal are also raising that point, and fortunately, they seem to have some positive influence on Cynthia’s life. Porsha heads inside to check on her baby, and Cynthia thinks it’s time to get some heat off herself and issue the Shady Awards.
Shamea wins Best Twerker after a Twerk-Off. Marlo wins Shadiest Person since Eva left and can’t win on a technicality. Kenya wins Best Read since Eva left and can’t win on a technicality. Then it’s time for Thirstiest Person, the Thirst Trap Award. Those are … two different things but okay. Marlo tries to nominate Kenya but Tanya suggests that Yovanna is NeNe’s puppet and that turns the tide.
Then it’s time for the Most Insecure Award, and for some reason they all go around the circle and list their insecurities. Marlo, Kandi, and Shamea all name acceptable sources of female insecurity: big feet, dark circles, and C-section scars. Then it’s Kenya’s time to share and she takes it in a different direction. “Never finding love that’s unconditional and I don’t want to talk about that right now.” Ohhhhhhhhh ………. okay. Kenya, we would all like to help but we just had a Twerk-Off. Marlo gets the last word when she tells Kenya, “You have to believe in yourself.”