The Real Housewives of Atlanta
I’m sitting here struggling to figure out where to start with this episode, which feels like it doesn’t have enough meat on its bones. Do I start with Kandi blithely moving past the idea that Todd might be incapable of relating to female children, or do I start with Cynthia going on an extended monologue about Kenya’s “tiddies”? Where is Eva and does she have anything going on? CAN WE TALK ABOUT NENE’S LIFE COACH? There’s stuff to talk about but I don’t think I care about any of this? Seven episodes into the season, things should be taking shape, but we’re still getting invites to the Tanya-sponsored trip happening in black-and-white flashbacks. We’re watching an extended sequence of a VERY STRANGE game that combines football and bowling. How is this all supposed to come together? I guess the best way to tackle this is to go from most important to least important, so let’s get to it.
First up, Porsha. Porsha starts the episode by meeting Marlo, of all people, for a trip around Atlanta on one of those pedal trolleys. I was not aware you could rent those for just two people for a non-bachelorette-party situation. Marlo is working on Porsha. She’s needling her about how she feels about NeNe. Porsha says that NeNe crossed a line when she called her fat while she was breastfeeding. Then Marlo goes down a positively bonkers line of thought when she says that we’re willing to accept name-calling and abuse from our boyfriends but we don’t accept it from our girlfriends.
Wait … how does that work in your mind, Marlo? Are you advocating for taking more abuse from our friends or taking less abuse from our boyfriends? Trying to find meaning or a coherent system of logic in Marlo’s opinions is a fool’s errand. Marlo also says that they should all be more like Michelle Obama and when they go low … blah blah blah. Do you think Michelle Obama watches Real Housewives of Atlanta? Do you think she has an opinion on the NeNe-Cynthia feud? I like to imagine that she does and she’s VEHEMENTLY #TeamCynthia. I hope that every Sunday all Michelle’s friends come over and they watch every episode together, and tonight, they all squealed when Michelle got TWO mentions! Maybe getting mentioned on Real Housewives of Atlanta is to Michelle Obama what being retweeted by Chrissy Teigen is to the rest of us peasants.
But Marlo isn’t just working on Porsha about NeNe. She’s also started working on Porsha about Dennis.
Can I just say one thing? Fuck Marlo. It’s one thing to ask your friend about their breakup and maybe whine a little about not getting to hang out with their fun boyfriend, but Marlo GOES OVER THE LINE. She whines to Porsha, tells her she hopes they can work it out, drags Porsha to Dennis’s restaurant, and then makes her FACETIME him and begs her to tell him that she still loves him. Ohhhhhhhhh, fuck you, Marlo. If there are rumors flying around that your friend’s ex liked to watch dogs have sex and cheated on her while she was pregnant, maybe don’t pressure her to tell him she loves him just so you can keep eating the hot dogs. There must be other hot dogs in Atlanta.
So, at the end of the episode, Porsha heads to another therapy session with Dennis. Whew. Chile. The Dennis. What does Dennis have to say for himself? It was a mistake. That their sex changed with Porsha was pregnant. That Porsha … gained weight? Am I hearing that right?! What’s breaking my heart is that Porsha seems bound to this idea that kicking Dennis to the curb would mean tearing her family apart. There are plenty of people who raise their children on their own because their former partner is trash. Porsha has a family who wants to support and help her and the means to hire some help. Unfortunately, what she also has is a whole community of people who have been telling her that what Dennis did isn’t that bad and can’t she just say she loves him? Can’t she just admit it?
Plus, Dennis’s dumb ass is sitting there saying stuff like, “We’re still technically engaged” and asking for a hug. Porsha agrees to not run him over with her car and they ride off into the distance.
Up next in the emotional torture hierarchy is Kenya. Ohhhhhhhhhhh Kenya. First, Kenya drops the other Shelly O reference of the episode when she visits Cynthia and tells her that Michelle Obama would say to have a partner who is a great teammate. According to Kenya, Marc is more like an opponent during an argument. So, later, to deal with this, Kenya heads to an estate planner to figure out what to do with her sizable assets. She wants to make sure that her house and money would all go to Brooklyn … and not Marc. The estate attorney says that she should appoint someone she trusts to manage the trust or the estate. Kenya bursts into flames and tears. Marc wouldn’t have a problem running the trust if he was able to make any decisions. Kenya’s attempts to hide how unhappy she is with Marc are going to come to a head soon, because next episode, we’re getting a couples’ dinner and Marc looks unhinged.
We finally get to meet NeNe’s life coach, and who is this Fashion to Figure–wearing dilettante? She rolls up to NeNe’s house and sits down with a cocktail. This doesn’t seem professional. I don’t know if this woman is actually challenging NeNe in any real way or just teaching NeNe how to be passive-aggressive with a better vocabulary. Tamara, the life coach, speaks in vague sentences like, “Y’know, people say time heals all wounds, but our choices heal.” Umm … okay. NeNe talks about how she left Marlo’s wig party when Kenya showed up as if it was a huge accomplishment, and Tamara tells NeNe that she left because she’s working on herself and everyone else has to deal. Sometimes the healing process is ugly but that’s just how choices and feelings heal. NeNe is still deciding if she’s going to join the girls’ trip to Toronto. NeNe, if you’re not going to be on the group trips, GET OFF THE SEASON. You can and will be replaced. Andy Cohen will stay up all night Googling “Atlanta Celebrities” until he finds someone who can fill your wig.
So that just leaves Cynthia and Kandi. Kandi is still dealing with the fact that her husband is completely incapable of talking to a female child. Kaela, Todd’s daughter, is heading to the airport to move to New York. Todd and Kaela spent the last month not talking to each other, and Kandi doesn’t know what to do. She says that when it’s her child with someone else or Todd’s kid with someone else, they tend to leave each other alone when it comes to parenting decisions, so she’s nervous what will happen with their new daughter. Umm … are you wondering what it will be like to parent with Todd, someone with whom you have a 3-year-old child? Oh. Oh no.
Cynthia is just hoping that Mike Hill proposes to her and she hopes it happens NOW. She’s trying to make some room in her closet for his stuff. It is a true surprise that Cynthia doesn’t have those skinny velvet hangers that everyone loves so much. It’s also a real shock that she’s turned a bedroom into a closet but it’s just a pile of Louis Vuitton purses in the middle of the floor. She tells Eva and her Mike about the recording and Mike Hill gets VERY intense. He says that he WILL PROTECT his woman and ANYONE who records someone is A PIECE OF SHIT. Cynthia beams at her beautiful man who won’t give her a timeline on when he’s moving to Atlanta. But I guess next episode might change that …