For the past 150 years or so (but especially since the December 2019 release of Greta Gerwig’s Little Women), people have been asking us, “Vulture, Vulture! Which March sister am I? I simply must know!” After all, by the law of Louisa May Alcott, every group of women consists of some combination of the author’s four main characters, the Hippocratic temperaments incarnate: mature Meg, fearless Jo, sweet Beth, or bratty Amy. So we channeled our spiritual connection to Louisa’s ghost to bring you the answer, once and for all.
1. What’s your dream job?
2. In your friend group, are you:
a. The “smart one”
b. The “artsy one”
c. The “mom friend”
d. The dead one.
3. It’s a beautiful day! What are you doing?
a. Running through open fields with friends.
d. Catching scarlet fever
4. What’s your Hogwarts house?
c. Everyone says Gryffindor, but I’m actually Gryffindor.
5. Flower crowns: yea or nay?
a. Nay, far too girly for my liking!
b. Yea, for a Swedish death ritual.
c. Yea, for a wedding.
d. Yea, if mother insists.
6. How would you describe your feet?
b. Beautiful, the best in the family.
d. Objectively? Sharp.
7. Pick a song to perform on guitar:
a. “Crash Into Me”
c. “Belle (Bonjour!)”
d. Actually, I play piano.
8. When I say “Christopher Columbus,” you say:
b. Oo, European!
9. Are you kind of into dolls in a creepy way?
d. Big time.
10. Quick! Name your favorite treat!
a. Army-rationed chocolate
b. Pickled limes
c. Pumpkin pasties
D. Spoonful o’ poison
11. Your older sister has been seeing a guy and you’re kinda jealous. Do you:
a. Frame the boyfriend for a crime he didn’t commit.
b. Sing “Teardrops on My Guitar” on your vlog.
c. Go to the dance with Viktor Krum.
d. Make a perfect scale-model of our girlhood home out of loose teeth.
12. Your best friend’s name is drawn from the Goblet of Fire and now he must compete in the Triwizard Tournament. What do you do?
a. Wait, what?
b. I wish we could afford nice things, like goblets.
c. Goblet of huh?
d. Can you just tell me I’m not Beth?
How to Tally Your Score!
If you answered mostly B, you’re Flossie Rose.
Flossie Rose has long-been the most maligned March sister, but since Florence Pugh’s portrayal, people are really starting to come around.
If you answered mostly C, you’re Hermione.
Ah yes, a vert reliable little woman, who grew up right before our eyes! You’re clever, you always have your best friend’s back, and your Patronus is an otter.
If you answered mostly D, you’re Amma.
Hey, at least you’re not Beth!