Is Patrick Brewer the World’s Best Boyfriend? There’s been evidence pointing toward this in the past — I mean, look no further than both the rings and cheese with which he proposed — but none so strong as his actions in “The Incident” when David wets the bed. That’s right: David Rose wets the bed. In the face of David’s near meltdown and seven — yes, seven — showers attempting to wash away the embarrassment and shame, Patrick is calm and comforting. He’s exactly what David needs in this situation, all “It’s not a big deal” and “I’ll just wash the sheets” and “Can we please take divorce off the table?” Never once does he say “Ew, David.” Although, in hindsight, that might have been hilarious. Because here’s the thing that’s always been true: Even if Patrick isn’t the official World’s Best Boyfriend, he is without a doubt the best boyfriend, fiancé, husband for David Rose.
But even as Patrick gets David to leave the apartment and continue on with his day and living in general, his job is not done. It never is for the Best Boyfriend. You see, there is the Moira Factor. Because while Patrick is trying to get a handle on David — reeling over the fact that his boyfriend put a plastic mattress protector down in case David should have issues again — over at the Rosebud Motel, Alexis has just informed her mother that with the premiere of the Crows movie approaching, Interflix has tasked Moira with doing a social media takeover. (“Takeover? That sounds hostile.”) You would think these two developments are unrelated but, oh, my bébé, you would be wrong.
Moira Rose on Instagram is everything you ever dreamed it would be, which is to say that after her insistence on the use of the word #frands to describe her fans/friends, her befriending a poor frand named WineCatGal74, and caw-cawing as a way to say good-bye (a truly inspired Crows integration right there), it becomes a nightmare. You see, Moira shows up at Rose Apothecary in the middle of a “living stream” (she’s livestreaming, guys — can you even imagine?), but when she puts her phone down to discuss the tension she’s sensing between David and Patrick, she doesn’t turn it off and thus broadcasts her entire conversation with Patrick about David’s history of having “nighttime oopsy-daisies.” At this point, David would probably hurl himself into the actual Schitt’s Creek if he found out, but on the bright side, we get one of my all-time favorite Schitt’s Creek lines, in which Moira explains to Patrick that David used to wet the bed anytime he was excited about an upcoming event: “Christmas, birthdays, the Ides of March.” This show is a gift, frands. A true gift.
It’s Alexis who sees that Moira is accidentally spreading the news of David’s incident all over the internet and alerts her mother. I mean, neither of them seems particularly concerned with actually taking the video down, but they do call an emergency meeting with Patrick, and honestly, that all tracks. As much glee as I take in watching Moira and Alexis feign surprise when Patrick walks into the café for a meeting they asked him to join, I still feel for the guy because you know he’ll be dealing with Rose family disasters for the rest of his life. He is the most patient! He also knows the Roses extremely well, which is why he sits there and waits until he can confirm that Alexis really did take the oopsy-daisy discussion video down. It is a real struggle for her.
With the video gone and Patrick’s legitimate fears for his boyfriend’s health assuaged, the three decide it’s best to never tell David — David apparently isn’t on social media, although I find it hard to believe he doesn’t at least have a Google alert for his name — knowing it’ll all blow over in 24 hours when something else tragic goes viral, or as Alexis says, “when a celebrity says something wrong, which could be any minute.”
Even with most of the crisis averted (David will have to find out eventually, right?), Patrick is still working to make David feel less embarrassed. All of the Roses have issues with vulnerability, but David’s is surely the most debilitating and Patrick knows this, so he reveals something embarrassing about himself: In bed that night, he puts in his mouth guard and nasal vent. It’s sweet and silly, and who among us will not be reduced to a puddle when these two walk down the aisle?
Speaking of heartwarming pairings, the rest of the episode deals with the next step in Stevie Budd’s Self-Discovery Journey: She has to tell Johnny that she might not want to be involved with the motel for the rest of her life. Over the course of the series, Stevie and Johnny have developed a lovely little father-daughter relationship. Remember when he comforted her after her heartbreak at the Hospies? Or how upset she was during Johnny’s heart attack/extreme heartburn scare? It’s been pretty clear that one of the biggest hurdles Stevie would have to face while trying to figure out what her life could look like outside of Schitt’s Creek would be telling Johnny about her dreams of something bigger. But she reaches a point where that conversation becomes impossible to avoid: Johnny wants to expand the Rosebud Motel by buying a second property. Stevie knows she can’t commit to that.
All of this goes down while Johnny, Stevie, and Roland head over to the potential property only to discover that Roland hasn’t set up a property viewing, but has instead brought them all to a funeral for the previous owner. Roland’s gonna Roland, I guess. Why Johnny, of all people, would still give this man any type of responsibility is beyond me. Still, Johnny perseveres, and with the expansion of the Rosebud Motel looking possible, Stevie has to come clean.
Surprising none of us, when Stevie tells Johnny that she needs to see if there’s something more out there for her, Johnny is a complete gentleman. “I won’t say I don’t hope you’ll come back, either way I hope you find what you’re looking for,” he tells her. Of course any emotional conversation between two characters on this show at this point is tinged with just a tiny bit of sadness, knowing it could be the last, but this one, between such an unlikely pairing, is a special sort of tug at the heartstrings.
The Wig Wall
• David Rose at his most David Rose: His response to Patrick when Patrick tells him he most certainly doesn’t want to divorce David over some bed-wetting, said while wearing a giant polka-dotted sweater and a hair towel: “If the tables were turned, I can’t say I’d be as generous.”
• Moira Rose at her most Moira Rose: Running in late to Jazzagals practice, getting them all to take a picture for her takeover by yelling, “Say havarti, girls!” and then cackling at how bad the photo is.
• A new and remarkable credit to add to Moira Rose’s illustrious film and TV career: You Go Girl, a TV show in which she and Ashley Tisdale played suffragettes. SHOW US THE VIDEO.
• Of course Moira would describe social media as both “an amusement park for clinical narcissists” and “a cauldron of self-absorption” and then proceed to become obsessed with it. She’s really going to thrive there.
• Still laughing at this exchange after David discovers the mattress protector:
Patrick: It’s an expensive mattress.
David: More expensive than my dignity?
Patrick: Comparable, at least.