Come right this way, students. The first portrait captures a moment in history that will live on in infamy, when the Vicomtesse Hánnàh-Ann du Knoxville ignited the fracas that rocked the social sphere. The young and coquettish vicomtesse was trying to snag the attention of the dashing and virile Commander Peter and stole his attention away. The two shared a kiss and un verre de Champagne beneath the stars. Surely, you’re saying, who could have been harmed in this fanciful act of courtship? The Baronesse Kélsêy des Moines. For that bottle of Champagne that the vicomtesse and the commander sipped was in actuality from the cellars of Baronesse Kélsêy des Moines! How could Baronesse Kélsêy des Moines suffer such indignity! How could Vicomtesse Hánnàh-Ann du Knoxville deal a blow of such ignominy! The gathered noble ladytestants chose sides, and after an unsatisfying response from Vicomtesse Hánnàh-Ann du Knoxville, the noble ladytestants marched upon the bathrooms of the manor and wept. No one wanted to see the commander, and he was really bummed. And lo! The story of “The Champagne Scandal” rang out across the Kingdom of Southern California.
Let’s get to it.
Oh, Peter. You dear, sweet li’l dum-dum. Oh, Hannah Brown. You dear, sweet li’l dum-dum. Did anyone else want them to run off together into the basic-bitch sunset? Did anyone else think they were going to totally make out and then bang in that greenroom at that theater-slash-nightclub-slash-improv rehearsal space? There was more sexual tension and chemistry in that moment than some weddings I’ve been to. When Hannah climbed into Peter’s lap so he could just hold her, I was completely bereft of the ability to can. You might say I could not.
The episode STARTS with Peter telling Hannah, “You said no to me. I never said no to you.” I’m sorry. Is this the Academy Award–nominated screenplay for Marriage Story? It wasn’t that you said no to someone else, Hannah. It was the fact that you had a laugh with them!
Hannah isn’t coming back to the house, and Peter is not coming back to this date. It’s been what I can only assume is hours, and Peter is nowhere to be found. Natasha with her roly-poly neck is very upset that Peter has not returned. Peter tells Hannah that he wants someone to want him as bad as he wants them. Uh … sir, there’s a room of 20-somethings who are writing stories about their sex lives to read to you. You’ll find someone. Peter finally gets up, and he’s covered in glitter from Hannah’s dress. Hannah tells him that this wasn’t supposed to happen this way. NO! You were supposed to sneak out the back leaving only a note and a single white rose, freeing you both from The Bachelor’s curse.
Peter heads back to tell the women that he’s just not in the right headspace to listen to them talk about getting fingered in the back seat of a PT Cruiser. He wants to regroup at the cocktail party and try to close the night out with some fun. Natasha is not pleased, and she points out that every time she’s seen Peter, she’s also seen Hannah, and it sucks. What a way to start out your relationship with the Bachelor! But doesn’t Peter know that they all came to be here for Peter? There’s no other reason that anyone would ever appear on a huge reality show!
At the evening (and only) portion of the group date, Peter starts the night off by apologizing again. Natasha starts out by telling Peter, again, that she’s pissed. I need this woman and her six-day-old silk press to get outta here. Peter sits down with Sydney, and she tells him that she’s not the typical southern girl because her father is black and Dominican and her mother is white. Also, whenever Peter mentions a quality he likes or notices in her, she just quietly repeats him. “You have a lot of strength about you.” “Yeah, I’m extremely strong.” Peter does his dorky li’l dancing with Mykenna, and it works? He lifts Mykenna up on a table and makes out with her. That’s his move, and he’s doing it all over the season. Sydney gets the group-date rose. “Yeah, I got the group-date rose.”
It’s time for the cocktail party and Peter starts off by, that’s right, apologizing again for Hannah completely derailing the group date. Lexi steals him away first, and he has no idea who she is. Oh, she has absolutely no idea how to handle the fact that it took him 18 too many seconds to figure out who the fuck she is. She says “Red hair. Red Car?,” and he does the thing that literally every single white man with a beard does: “Oh, I have red hair in my beard.” They make out.
And now we reach the Champagne Scandal, which is also the name of Cardi B’s Vegas residency. Kelsey’s mistake is letting Mykenna get to Peter first, instead of stealing him away and taking advantage of her Champagne setup. Kelsey takes it out on Mykenna and says that Mykenna really disrespected her. Oh, so Kelsey has never watched this show before. She calls Mykenna a snake and says she’s really “Snakey.” Has everyone been watching The Real Housewives of Atlanta?
Finally, Hannah Ann sits down with Peter at Kelsey’s Champagne setup and pops the bottle. It’s even more insulting because Peter celebrates the bottle with a very loud “woo!” Kelsey immediately starts scream-crying and walks over to Peter and Hannah Ann to shout, “EXCUSE ME.” Then, Kelsey retreats to the bathroom with a bunch of other ladytestants, and suddenly this is a seventh-grade dance.
Kelsey decides her best course of action is to accuse Hannah Ann of doing it deliberately. Peter tries to defuse the situation by giving Kelsey another bottle of Champagne, which explodes all over Kelsey’s face in the most humiliating Champagne-related moment of 2020. Hannah Ann tries to patch things up with Kelsey by telling her that her feelings are being acknowledged and that these words shall legally count as an apology. Listen, I’m not on anyone’s side in this thing, but telling someone, “I acknowledge your feelings. They are being acknowledged,” is some fake shit.
Time for the rose ceremony. Kelsey says, to no one in particular, “I didn’t do anything wrong.” Mykenna, Victoria P., Natasha, Jasmine, Sarah, Lexi, Hannah Ann, Alexa, Tammy, Alayah, Deandra, Victoria F., Shiann, Kiarra, Savannah, and Kelsey all get roses. Peter asks if Kelsey wants to make a toast, and she refuses. Oooooooooooooooooooooh. Kay. Hannah Ann jumps at the opportunity, because that’s what a hot bitch does.
The next day for the group date, Alexa, Mykenna, Natasha, Deandra, Lexi, Victoria F., Kelsey, Hannah Ann are all heading out on what seems less a date and more an advertisement for Revolve. This is the perfect synergy between these aspiring content creators and the e-commerce site. Also, Janice Dickinson and Carson Kressley are there. Somehow, we’ve stepped into an episode of America’s Next Top Model, and judging by Hannah Ann’s hat, it’s from 2004. (Is 2004 back? Are those li’l hats back? Why are they all dressed like Bratz dolls?) The goal for the date is to compete in a fashion show and win everything they sell at Revolve. Kressley says a boyfriend is good, but cashmere is forever. Bless him for thinking they sell cashmere at Revolve.
This is Victoria F.’s worst nightmare. She’s a hot 25-year-old who cannot fathom putting herself out there, so she wears a trench coat with nothing but lingerie underneath and kisses Peter in front of an audience. Hannah Ann has decided that the best course of action is to wear a full-on wedding dress on the runway. This bitch is BOLD. In the end, it comes down to Hannah Ann and Victoria F. because … story. They stomp down the runway in matching dresses, and Hannah Ann slaps Victoria F. with her dress and it’s all over. Hannah Ann wins 40 bags of clothes delivered by some very confused male models in suits.
For the evening portion of the date, Victoria F. continues to melt down over being shy and meek. Remember when she said that thing about her vagina’s dampness levels the first week? Yeah, me neither. Peter takes her aside to a dark corner to tell her that he really likes her and she doesn’t have to worry. He says it’s very endearing that she’s freaking out. Oh, Peter. Don’t do that. Don’t say that a woman’s insecurity is her most endearing quality. That’s creepy.
He then sits down with Hannah Ann, and she tells him that Kelsey bullied her for treating her poorly for stealing something from her. It was traumatic for her, and she just wants to be open and honest about something she totally made up. Kelsey is feeling really great because she had a day where she didn’t break down in tears. Then Peter does this all wrong, at least if he cares about anyone’s emotional well-being: He heads back to the group, gives Victoria F. the group-date rose, then takes Kelsey aside to ask her about the bullying. “Hey, y’know that woman who is accusing you of bullying her? I’d love for you to explain your side of the story.”
Peter doesn’t know what to do because Kelsey says, “No, I didn’t,” and there’s no way for Peter to get to the bottom of this. Even though he’s already given the rose and is under no real pressure to decide anything about Kelsey’s fate right now.
Correction: An earlier version of this recap incorrectly stated that Peter gave Hannah Ann the rose instead of Victoria F. Vulture regrets the error.