You know what? I’m totally and completely fine with this. I have never been more fine with anything that’s ever happened in the Bachelor franchise than Hannah Brown and Peter Weber sitting backstage at some random spoken-word event debating if they’re going to GET BACK TOGETHER. Inject this directly into my veins. I feel like Emperor Palpatine, and their “crying in the bathroom of Delta Psi” energy makes me stronger.
Yesssss, yesssss, invite your ex-girlfriend on a date with your 15 new girlfriends, it fills me with life!
Yesssss, yesssss, keep asking each other “what do you want to do,” it makes me more powerful!
Yesssssssssss, yessssssssssssssss, put your face very close to her face because you still feel “that spark”! That spark is the thing that keeps me thriving!
If the rest of this season was just a Marriage Story–style examination of Peter and Hannah’s relationship complete with dueling voice-overs about why they love each other, I would achieve a level of happiness I thought impossible. Just save Hannah’s “story” about how she fucked Peter four times in a windmill and use that for the opening montage. If the rest of the season was just Hannah and Peter trapped in that dressing room and they had to solve a series of puzzles to escape, I could die happy. Doesn’t The Bachelor want me to be happy for once in my pitiful, meaningless little life? Our planet is on fire, the president is informing Congress of military actions via Twitter, and Pete Davidson is still dating hot chicks. We’re six days into 2020 and it’s already unbearable. Can’t we just have this one thing?
Because apparently, there is no need to respect rules or decorum on this season at all. There’s a woman on this season who met (and if you ask me, banged) Peter at a wedding a month ago and it’s just not a problem. A woman told Peter during the limo entrances that she has a very wet vagina and it’s just not a problem. There have been no fewer than three references to what I can only assume is Top Gun. The only movie I’ve seen with people in flight suits is Captain Marvel, so this season is going to be difficult for me. Is Top Gun the boy version of Captain Marvel?
Let’s get to it.
OH. RIGHT. It’s a three-hour episode.
We start with Chris Harrison telling Peter on some arid hillside that there is something he should know and everyone else just found out, too. This causes Peter to collapse onto a hotel bed with a bunch of producers. The Bachelor gods will not be happy until every single proposal on earth is cursed.
The only thing we have to cover in Peter’s “Can you believe I’m the Bachelor, aw shucks!” montage is when he recites an impossibly long saying with his mom in Spanish: “Don’t despair! … Let the waters run … that which is for you will never get lost or die.” Peter, “My parents have been married for 31 years” and “Enjoys sex” are not personality traits. You gotta read a book or learn to knit or something. If these women are just looking for a white-skinned dude with parents named Peter and Barbara who enjoys sex, may I suggest the entire state of Iowa?
It’s time to meet some of the ladytestants. First up is Alexa, a salon owner who says that waxing is a lot like love because eventually, it’s just easier to pay a Russian woman to do it. Up next is Hannah Ann from Knoxville. Her personality is “from Tennessee” and “has a dad.” Tammy is a real-estate flipper from Syracuse whose package opens with her wrestling a man and deadlifting hundreds of pounds. She’s perfect and I worship her.
Victoria P. is a nurse and when she wears glasses, it’s like when they tried to convince us Denise Richards was a nuclear scientist. Victoria had to be her sister’s caretaker because her dad passed away when she was young and her mom struggled with addiction. Victoria’s life story also includes a traumatic ride on the Teacups when she was a kid and threw up. Now, that’s a personality.
Kelley is the woman who met Peter at a hotel before the season. And, like … they banged, right? That’s the only explanation for how invested they both are in this completely chance encounter. There’s Madison, who is basically Hannah Brown but with basketball instead of pageants. And there’s Maurissa, who was Miss Montana Teen and is African-American. I GOTTA know how she ended up there.
Are you ready for a whole bunch of plane puns because I’m ready to take off my bra and get into these entrances.
The first girl out the limo is Alayah and DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN. This bitch is STACKED. Peter’s eyes almost bulge out his head, and he has to hold it together when she gives him a letter written by her grandmother. The vibe during these entrances is the same vibe as when Taylor Swift sprinkled that catnip over all the cats in Cats and the cats got horny. Sara literally tells him “hubba-hubba” and Deandra is dressed as the windmill. So is she saying that she wants Peter to bang … inside her? Victoria F. tells him in so many words that she’s got a juicy undercarriage. The real sin of Victoria F.’s joke is that she tries to make sure later that Peter heard her and is forced to repeat it. “Ummm … I said, ‘That’s the only dry thing about me.’ Did you get it?” Savannah blindfolds him and makes out with him, getting the first kiss of the night and creating the genuinely horniest moment.
Then there are the plane puns and flight attendants. I had no idea there still were young flight attendants. Every flight I’ve ever been on has had a 55-year-old woman with a beehive hairdo in Dansko clogs rationing out Biscoff cookies.
Oh yeah, then SOME BITCH JUST GIVES HIM A COW AND THEN WALKS INSIDE THE HOUSE. Everyone in the house thinks it’s a pony. I screamed alone in my home.
The last woman out of the limo is Hela, the Goddess of Death. Oh, I’m sorry. It’s Hannah. She gives him back the wing pin he gave her on the first night and wishes him well. She then crawls into a vent to lie in wait for her moment.
Peter makes his opening toast and says that he can’t wait to start the greatest love story we’ve ever seen. Yes, The Bachelor has all the elements of the greatest love story ever told: a house that might legally be considered a brothel, stamina-based elimination challenges, and Chris Harrison.
Hannah Ann sits down with Peter and she had an expiring Groupon for a Wine & Paint night, so here’s his gift or whatever. Peter straight up makes out with her and this emboldens Hannah Ann to interrupt two separate women after that moment, and y’know what, FINE. FUCK IT. If you’re complaining during season 24 that you didn’t get enough time with the Bachelor on a show where your survival is dependent on getting a sentient Howdy Doody doll to like you, you haven’t prepared and your eyeliner is crooked. Tammy handcuffed him to get what she wanted, what the fuck are you doing, Shiann and Victoria F.?
There’s always the strategy that Natasha and Mykenna take to get time with Peter. Mykenna throws paper planes to interrupt him and Natasha. Natasha, whose head is never not swiveling around on her neck to ensure she’s always giving side eye, throws a GIANT PAPER PLANE AT THEM and says, “Payback is a bitch. Fly away on it.” I think that’s the name of the Rihanna album we will never get. When Mykenna still doesn’t give up her time, Natasha lurks in the shadows, drinks a giant cup of tea that says “My Coffee My House My Rules” and shouts “TICKTOCK.”
When it’s time for the rose ceremony, the sun is up and knives are out! Victoria P., Madison, Kelley, Lexi, Savannah, Lauren, Tammy, Alayah, Jasmine, Sydney, Natasha, Mykenna, Deandra, Sara, Alexa, Kelsey, Peyton, Kiara, Courtney, Shiann, and Victoria F. all get roses. After Peter gives his toast full of pilot puns, Hannah Ann also makes a li’l toast, and I love her.
It’s time for the first dates of the season! We’ve got three hours to fill! It’s the first of what I can only assume are many, many plane-themed dates. Peter washes a little plane with his shirt off and sprays the hose into his mouth. I know Peter is legally considered attractive, but are women fantasizing about a man drinking out of a hose? The first date card of the season arrives and Kelley, Hannah Ann, Deandra, Tammy, Courtney, Shiann, Victoria P., Jasmine, and Victoria F. are told to “look up.” They all head outside and, oh God, it’s Peter upon Drogon and he’s laying waste to the city!
The ladytestants are being put through “flight school” by the first female Blue Angel and a pilot for the Marines. This is a great time to remember that Peter is a pilot for Delta Airlines, the least glamorous airline. I’m not saying that it’s not impressive to be an airline pilot. I’m saying it’s not impressive to be an airline pilot next to two fucking legit badass pilots. The ladytestants do a little quiz on airplane terms and Hannah Ann is the only one that knows how many feet are in a mile.
They have to go into a gyroscope to test what turbulence is like. I have never been on a flight where the plane spun in multiple directions. Is that what flying Delta is like? Boom. Roasted. Victoria P. has a flashback to puking on the Teacups when she was a kid and rushes to the bathroom to throw up. Peter brings her a bottle of water and tells her to swish it around in her mouth and she says that’s the greatest human kindness ever shown to her.
It’s time for the final obstacle course and it comes down to Kelley and Tammy on li’l tricycles. Kelley decides she’s not even going to try to deal with the route and drives straight to the finish line. Tammy keeps yelling, “You’re cheating!” She’s not cheating; you’re losing. This is The Bachelor! Dracarys!
The group-date cocktail party is at the same hotel where Kelley met Peter and they make out on top of the bar. Tammy and Shiann try to confront Kelley about her abhorrent behavior, but she gets the first-date rose, so she has no incentive to change.
Madison gets the first one-on-one date and it’s heading to Peter’s parents’ house for their vow-renewal ceremony. Oh. My. God. Going to a wedding with your boyfriend’s family is hard enough, so let’s make your boyfriend a stranger and his family strangers and put the whole thing on television. Later in the date, Peter’s family crashes their romantic dance provided by Tenille Arts, and Madison has to act really excited to see Aunt Denise! Go ‘head, Denise! She gets the rose.
It’s time for the second group date where Hannah will completely upend the process, to my delight. Lauren, Sydney, Peyton, Natasha, Alexa, Kelsey, Mykenna, Alayah, and Savannah wake up in an undisclosed location chained to a giant windmill and are told they must humiliate themselves to escape. A voice crackles out from the rusted-out speaker taunting them: “The Beast is back, bitches.”
Okay, not exactly. But you see, Hannah did not realize that when she signed that contract obligating her to future appearances as a former Bachelorette that she’d have to be around her ex and that she’d be single. That makes a lot come into perspective real quick. The most painful part of the conversation between Hannah and Peter is that Peter says he watched the live finale episode and saw Hannah ask out Tyler. Why didn’t she ask him out? Does she regret breaking up with him? Does she want to join the house? Hannah’s mascara has run down her entire face and Peter just wants to kiss her.
TO BE CONTINUED …