The Real Housewives of Atlanta
We’re in the middle of NeNe’s Toronto Apology Tour, at the same time that Tanya is taking everyone on a high-stakes ropes course on the top of the CN Tower. And Dennis is going to propose again? What are we doing? Because what we could be doing is watching the Housewives try on their Carnival outfits while they throw Jamaican-Asian fusion wok-fried jerk lobster at each other. Everyone trying to be the bigger person and facilitate coming together is not it, friends. I need someone to toss some Rasta Pasta at someone’s wig or throw some fucking hands. Watching a bunch of adults try to be on their best behavior is boring. What’s worse, their best behavior isn’t covering up palpable rage; their best behavior is covering up apathy.
So many of these women are content to just go about their lives without letting themselves be affected by one another ever again. They would be totally fine to float through life without interacting. But there are a couple problems with this. First and foremost, that’s the entire premise of the show. The other is that there’s nothing to heighten or explore with apathy. It just is.
Listen, we all have people in our lives who mean absolutely nothing to us. Some of these people we see every day, but they could disappear off the face of the Earth tomorrow and our biggest concern would be if there’s a parking ban for street cleaning. It would not be great television to watch everyone interact with the door person at their therapist’s office for an hour each week. So I need these women to have some deeper interactions. Someone needs to cry, scream, throw someone off the CN Tower. We’ve been setting the table for what feels like half the season. SIT DOWN AT THE TABLE AND FLIP IT.
Let’s get to it.
We’re still in Toronto on the rooftop, having drinks as NeNe arrives. Oh, could this be the moment for upheaval? Drama? Nope, NeNe does her best impression of an unsalty bitch who gets along with everyone when she’s only getting along with Kandi! Up is down, black is white, wigs are unglued. Everyone heads back to their rooms except for Kandi, Marlo, and Yovanna, who head to NeNe’s room for some more late-night gossip. NeNe claims she didn’t join in on the conversations upstairs because she didn’t know what everyone was talking about.
Kandi is playing nice with NeNe to figure out what’s going on with this recording scandal, mainly because it’s the only narrative thrust for the season. The other question is how NeNe’s card ended up on “the blogs” and Nene chomps her chips as opposed to answering. NeNe says she NEVER talks to the blogs, darling, and you might want to look at who you least suspect — Knives Out logic — and in NeNe’s mind, that means Kenya.
It’s the next morning and it’s time to try on the handmade matching outfits for Carnival. Cynthia says she’s a size 6 but her ass is a size 12. Kandi tries hers on first and looks amazing. Also, everyone is going to wear gym shoes and other flats, and this sounds like the ideal celebration. Your titties are out and sensible footwear? Yovanna says she needs Nair, and it’s the first relatable thing Yovanna has said or done.
NeNe pulls Eva aside to offer an apology-esque statement. She’s going to own what she’s done because she wants to move on. NeNe is just frustrated being on the outside of the group, and her path toward being head bitch again involves a lot of contrition. She’s trying to apologize but keeps correcting Eva that she unfollowed her not blocked her. It’s also really important for NeNe to stress that Eva needs to understand where NeNe is coming from; that’s not usually the intention of an apology but what do I know?
They’re heading out that afternoon to walk on the edge of the CN Tower and Tanya is hyping them up by shouting, “Death becomes us!” Marlo has not secured her wig. This is not the day. Tanya manages to convince everyone to just head up to the 116th floor and if they don’t like it, they can turn back.
The entire sequence is shot POV style from the perspective of the Edge Guide, who keeps shouting inspiring messages to each woman individually in the … whitest way possible. There’s just no other way to say it. Their guide was a Becky and she was really excited for Porsha to give her a high five! Cynthia imitates her by going “WHO’S READY TO DIE!!!!!!!!” in an interview.
Meanwhile, NeNe and Eva share a seafood tower in the rotating restaurant in the Skypod. NeNe is trying to set Eva up to see her side in NeNe’s feud with Porsha. NeNe says that Porsha sharing her cruel texts on social media is the same as revenge porn and that Porsha was fat before she got pregnant. Can this bitch just not? NeNe doesn’t see a path to reconciliation with Kenya and I don’t think Kenya does either.
That evening, everyone is getting ready for Tanya’s friends and family rooftop party and a bouquet of flowers shows up from Dennis. Porsha talks to her sister and she’s tickled by the flowers but thinks the card is entirely too cheeky. Dennis wrote “Dog-gone, I’m sorry. I love you.” She’s upset because he was just in the doghouse, but she should be more concerned that he was allegedly into bestiality and this wordplay might be Dennis giving himself some subtle titillation. Lauren is just upset that Porsha is talking to Dennis outside of therapy, and Porsha fakes the connection being bad to hang up on her sister.
Lauren won’t be happy, because guess who decides to pull up at the function? It’s Dennis with Tanya’s fiancé. Dennis is ready to re-propose with the ring he took back from her. Y’know, because their engagement ended because he cheated on her while she was pregnant and basically blamed her weight gain and postpartum emotions. ROMANCE! Also, Tanya is excited for their re-engagement because they’re couple friends and she’s rooting for Dennis. This is just a note for all my friends: Never let me catch you saying you’re rooting for my cheating ex. Root for me!
It’s time for the friends and family party and Kenya takes over the bus ride over by doing a … kinda mean impression of Tanya, the woman who is arranging this fun weekend for them. Porsha does an impression of Soft BB Cynthia talking to Mike, and Kandi does an impression of NeNe that’s just her repeating “THESE LEGS HONEY! THESE LEEEEEEEEEEGGGGGGGGGSSSSSS.” Whenever there’s these impression games, one person fucks it up and it’s Yovanna. Her impression of Porsha is that she likes to eat a lot.
Porsha says she’s not asking everybody about deviled eggs because not everybody’s deviled eggs ain’t good. It’s grammatically complicated, but intrinsically true.
Time for the rooftop party! Kenya, Kandi, and Porsha corner Yovanna and play Good Cop/Bad Cop/Drunk Cop to get her to confess. Porsha’s strategy is to just pester Yovanna into confessing she knows who the snake is. Yovanna is stonewalling them. She knows who recorded Cynthia but she also doesn’t know anything about it. In addition, she’ll never tell them anything. So it’s either Yovanna or Marlo. Obviously. Kenya just slithers her tongue at Yovanna to get her to confess and randomly screams questions at her.
After Tanya does a sweet toast to introduce her family to the Housewives crowd, she says the evening is all about love and a shadowy figure emerges from the crowd.
TO BE CONTINUED …