Well friends, here we are. The moment we have all been waiting for. Slowly flip over the pages in Alexis’s giant presentation notepad because tonight is the
Okay, as Alexis explains to her mother/client, it’s not a real premiere, but our intrepid PR master, er, “master,” wants to throw together an immersive premiere experience to gin up some press for the release of The Crows Have Eyes 3: The Crowening. And by “immersive” she mainly means that Roland has a guy who can get them some real crows. Naturally, Moira’s against this idea: A dinky little premiere in the town of Schitt’s Creek is basically like “hosting the Met Gala at David’s store.” David rightly takes offense to that. And anyway, Moira would rather not draw any attention to the film until they know the reviews are positive. So a disheartened Alexis is left to plan a town viewing party as Moira awaits word from critics.
That word arrives in the form of a review from Ornithology Today, a bird magazine that praises the film for showcasing a nuanced portrayal of “our oft-maligned friend the crow.” You guys: Obviously, there are and will be so many things to applaud Schitt’s Creek for, but for me, toward the top of that list is definitely the show’s ability to leech as much humor as possible from the little idea that “Moira does a movie called The Crows Have Eyes.” It is truly the gift that keeps on giving. Just when you think there can be no more jokes there left to mine, you get a review from Ornithology Today. I stand here before you humbled and in awe.
And friends, that’s not the only crow-related humor we get in this episode, because we still have a real Crows premiere to get to. Once Moira reads that review — which also refers to her performance as “delightfully unhinged” — she’s all in on a premiere. Of course that only gives poor Alexis four hours to upgrade her viewing party back to a premiere, which means she’ll have to make do with Ronnie’s 20-foot merlot carpet and pray that Roland’s crow hookup comes through. But while Alexis has a near-meltdown trying to keep her first big movie premiere afloat — that’s a lot of people crammed onto 20 feet of carpet — Moira is resplendent. “Mommy’s home,” she tells Alexis as she arrives to walk the merlot carpet in her premiere dress — the one that she definitely did not return, although she did return a dress, but it was one of Alexis’s. She’s also adorned herself with a headpiece that gives her a halo effect, and honestly, how have we not been calling her Saint Moira all this time? But the most lovely moment on the carpet happens when Moira and Johnny step out of their car — Moira has forced Stevie to dress like a limo driver, which is just perfect — and Johnny prepares to assume his normal carpet position ten feet behind Moira, but she grabs his hand because she wants her “hand candy” by her side this evening. These two lovebirds!
Hold on to that treasured moment, friends, because minutes later the entire premiere is flung into chaos. After Moira makes a welcome speech, the live crows are released, and they immediately proceed to attack everyone. It’s a massacre. Real crows and painted seagulls alike completely upend Moira’s big moment. Footage from the event — which, as Johnny points out, makes it look like people are running away from Moira’s movie — hits the news waves and the old “all press is good press” adage is proved wrong. This is extremely bad press. Moira blames her daughter for the fiasco, which, fingers crossed, sets up a nice little redemption arc for Alexis in the final season. If David’s journey throughout the series has been about learning to be vulnerable and let love in, Alexis’s is surely about learning to take care of herself. Anyway, I can’t wait until she gets her big win. Until then, I will be laughing to myself about the moment when, with skies full of circling crows, David stated simply and accurately, “This is fucked.”
Speaking of David, this is a little wrench in the fairy-tale love story of David and Patrick, huh? I mean, nothing will topple these two, but it’s fun to pretend right? It’s especially fun when that hiccup is due to Patrick being hopped up on drugs after getting his wisdom teeth out. I know Patrick is a supporting player in all this madness, but after revealing that all he wants after having teeth pulled out of his head is a lasagna, he now has my whole heart. A lasagna! Patrick is the perfect man.
David, however, is more concerned with that other thing Patrick reveals while still high on pain meds: that he wants to have a baby. He holds David close and tells him to envision their lives with a little baby. You see, they could “love it and hold it and bounce it.” The true dream! Sure, Patrick is saying all of this while not in his right mind, but that confession paired with the passing statement he made earlier in the episode about how just two years ago he thought he’d have a wife and kids by now causes David to panic. Okay, a lot of things cause David to panic, but this is a biggie since it’s been clearly established that David does not like kids and doesn’t intend to have any. Sure, David is flattered that Patrick has called him “the Jewish Channing Tatum” and remarked on his lovely skin (“it’s a nine-step regimen I do twice a day, it’s not a big deal”), but once Patrick comes out of his pain-med-induced haze, they need to have a chat.
Once Patrick wakes up and David fills him in, Patrick knows how scary that must have been for his fiancé (“triggering, traumatizing”), but he assures him he didn’t mean it. David’s worried that Patrick might be repressing what he really wants for David, but Patrick says that isn’t the case at all. People change and he’s happy with his life, he’s happy with David. That’s what he wants now. It seems like this little drama is resolved by the time the boys pop tandem pain meds and head out to the Crows premiere, and we’re sure to get a David and Patrick wedding by the end of the season, but it seems like this could be a bigger conversation, no? Then again, we did get an entire episode about David wetting the bed and it going viral without his knowledge and haven’t heard a peep about it since. So one never knows!
The Wig Wall
• Dang, all three of the story lines in “Crows Premiere” are so well done, and that includes Stevie realizing that the job that would make her truly happy is working alongside Johnny at the Rosebud Motel. Do I wish Stevie had taken a little bit more time to explore what’s out there? Sure. There must be much better opportunities than Larry Air. But the heart wants what the heart wants, and good on Stevie for recognizing that her heart wants in on the Rosebud Motel expansion. Also, it was all totally worth it to see how happy Johnny is to have her back.
• Like the Crows movie, Larry Air has provided more jokes than you might think possible, including this one, when Johnny tells Stevie that they called him for a reference: “Larry Air called for a reference and to see if I had any interest in becoming a pilot.”
• The main reason Moira doesn’t want to move forward with Alexis’s Crows premiere plan before reviews come out is because of the disaster that was the Waterworld 2 premiere: “The last place anyone wanted to be when those reviews came in was a glass-bottom pirate ship in the middle of the ocean.”
• The running gag about the first third of the Crows movie being densely packed with exposition will be making me laugh for days.
• The entire sequence when the crows are released and wreak havoc on Schitt’s Creek is hilarious, but it’s once Moira thinks she can contain them because she speaks a little bit of their language that things really get kicked up a notch.
• David’s perfect response when Patrick mentions he saw himself with a wife and kids: “Well, one out of two isn’t bad, I’ve been told I’m very young at heart.”
• First we had “eat glass” and now we have “lick rust.” Bless you, Rose siblings.
• Patrick: “You never pictured yourself doing something that didn’t end up happening?” David: “Of course, I’m not married to Christina Aguilera, am I?”