It’s a bit of a “be careful what you wish for” situation over in Schitt’s Creek, and I mean that both for Alexis Rose and for us. Just last week, I was talking about how nice it would be to see Alexis get a win career-wise. Now here she is making her dreams come true, but it might be at the expense of her relationship with her Galapa-guy Ted. First Ted has to deal with the fire ants biting his ankles and lord knows what else, and now this?
Lest you think the Rose women let that little live crow massacre during the premiere of The Crows Have Eyes 3 ruin the party, we learn that Moira and Alexis Rose have committed to the lie that the whole disaster was planned as a PR stunt. I’m sorry, a “carefully orchestrated, entirely deliberate stunt.” The lie is working — the movie is trending on Interflix — so everyone buys it. Not only is Moira back on people’s radar, but everyone is so impressed with the Release of the Crows that Alexis is in hot demand. She is the talk of the PR world, which is cool and exciting, but it also means that her video chats with Ted are getting cut short. I mean, BuzzFeed needs info on Claire Mandrake’s goriest accidents, including the names of Moira’s co-stars, and she “can’t be expected to remember everyone [she] meet[s]” can she?
It’s not just that Alexis is busy fielding calls and trying to avoid having to explain how they pulled off the stunt. When she sees the copious amounts of flowers being sent to her at the motel, including a huge thanks from Interflix, it hits her: This is a breakthrough in her career and she’s like a week away from leaving it all behind to be with her boyfriend. It’s Moira who says what she can’t: that Alexis is “perched on the precipice of a dream come true” and for the first time in her life actually knows she “can succeed at anything” she puts her mind to. First, can I say how lovely it is to have Moira be the one to say this to her daughter? Just three seasons ago they both nearly had a panic attack at the thought of having lunch alone together — Moira has to bring notes — and here they are having a proper and heartfelt mother-daughter moment. Second, what a huge moment for Alexis! We’ve watched her go from spoiled brat to a woman determined to get her high-school diploma to an entrepreneur trying to make it work when literally no one believed it possible, and now here she is! Making her dream come true! Getting. It. Done. In the least sarcastic way possible, I really love that journey for her.
At least letting Ted down isn’t as rough as Alexis expects it to be when she hops on a video chat with the intention of telling him she needs to stay in Schitt’s Creek for her career. It’s actually Ted who first blurts out the suggestion that Alexis stay. He knows that she would hate it in the Galapagos, and he can see it would be wrong to ask her to give up everything she’s working for to hang out in his fire-ant-infested dorm for six months. As mutual as that decision is, there is still something a little off-putting with how Alexis and Ted end their video chat — Ted has to jump off before Alexis can even say “I love you.” Something tells me long distance isn’t going to be easy. And no one’s even mentioned Ted the Turtle’s well-being in a while, so I truly fear the worst.
There’s another couple in Schitt’s Creek dealing with an awkward conversation: David and Patrick, who suddenly contemplate if a threesome is right for them. I mean, it’s a discussion to be had before walking down the aisle, no?
I’ll give you one guess as to whose return sparks this conversation. Yeah, it’s Throuple Jake. Unbeknownst to Patrick, he bought a handmade coffee table from Jake, who arrives at his apartment one morning to hand-deliver it. He does some very Jake things, like kiss David hello on the lips, tell Patrick that his sweater “really brings out [his] lips,” and comment while staring directly at Patrick that “from the looks of it” David has “really great taste.” He invites the boys to his place for a whiskey later that night, if they’re into it. David, of course, knows immediately that a “whiskey” is not a “whiskey” when it comes to Jake. Patrick, however, is flattered and flustered. He was extremely onboard with being blatantly hit on. It’s adorable, and I continue to appreciate how well Patrick (and Noah Reid) is being used this season.
Although they both agree that they’re not the kind of couple who has whiskeys with another guy, David does put it out there that if they were ever going to consider having a whiskey with someone, Jake would be the guy to do it with because “he literally doesn’t care about anything.” In the end, they decide to go. Now, Patrick says they could go knowing that they literally could just have a whiskey, but then he shows up to Jake’s in the World’s Tightest Shirt, and makes sure it’s a short-sleeve one, to show off his arms. (David’s response upon seeing it: “It’s nice, does it come in an adult size?”) The guy is begging for a “whiskey,” if you’re still keeping track of which whiskey means what (that one in quotes meant sex).
And then Jake opens the door and David and Patrick quickly realize Jake’s invited a whole lot of people over for drinks that evening. By the time Jake’s informing them of the group massage that’s going to take place, David and Patrick are ready to make their exit. Thankfully, they don’t make it out of Jake’s apartment without first running into Miss Stevie Budd, who knows exactly what this evening is all about and opts not to leave with her friends. She’s going to finish her drink and then meet them out later, she tells them. “No, you won’t,” says David. David Rose, as always, is the best of us.
The Wig Wall
• Elsewhere, Johnny, Roland, and Ronnie try to cheer up Bob as he attempts to deal with Gwen leaving him (and getting the house!). He does this mainly through crying. Like, a lot of crying. They take him over to the Wobbly Elm and act as his wingmen, which goes about as disastrously as you’d imagine. Johnny’s out of touch with the dating scene, and Roland’s just there to make fun of Johnny. In the end, it’s Ronnie, the only person acting like a normal human being, who scores Bob a potential date. Justice for Bob!
• Ronnie’s dating advice is all we ever really need: “Be yourself, have a mint.”
• The visual of Bob breaking down against the closet because Roland’s attempt at role-playing to prep him for going to the bar that night consists mostly of Roland repeatedly reminding Bob of Gwen is a wonder to behold. Has John Hemphill ever been funnier?
• “I don’t mind a dirty room. I hope that doesn’t sound as sad as it feels.”
• I would take a solid half-hour of Moira Rose explaining streaming to people. Her big takeaway at the moment: “One can stop the movie any point, at any time they like.” Alexis’s giant cue cards telling her to not to talk about streaming be damned, Moira wants to enlighten the people!
• Thanks to the buzz the crow attack has created, The Crows Have Eyes 3: The Crowening becomes “Interflix’s No. 1 stream of the day, tied only with the four seasons of Caroline in the City.”
• Patrick, remarking on Jake’s wood-working skills: “He’s talented. He’s like a one-man operation.” David’s perfect response: “Not in my experience.”